Tear my SOP apart, please

[George]

Hello fellow grad applicants,

I'll be frank with all of you: I'm quite terrible at getting my point across, so I hope to show this text to as many people as I can. What I want to convey with my SOP is that my passion for math was acquired over the course of my undergrad studies, that I am serious about my work and that I am capable of graduate level work, having done a bit of it already. I will also eventually include a paragraph or two that will be school-specific but this draft doesn't have that yet.

Please, have no mercy! I am sure I need to do a lot before this draft becomes final. Thank you for taking the time to read my SOP!

Without further ado:

When I enrolled at undergrad College I had intended to study computer science. The computer science department participated in the RoboCup competition which fosters research in artificial intelligence, automation and control. The competition consists of a set of standard problems which universities are meant to solve. undergrad participated in the Standard Platform League which is a soccer tournament between teams of three to five autonomous robots. Each team uses the same robot, manufactured by a third party, in order to promote research in algorithms rather than engineering. Since I joined the team in my second semester, I saw a gradual shift in my interests as I witnessed the kinds of mathematical problems which arise in robotics. My first steps as a member of the team were mostly restricted to programming, but as I broadened my understanding of robotics, I inevitably became a mathematician.

I joined undergrad’s team when it was taking its first steps.As a result, I have studied or developed nearly all aspects of the software system. As I expanded my knowledge of the field, I witnessed the central role which mathematics plays in robotics. Self-localization relied heavily on probabilistic modeling and filtering. Locomotion required the use of dynamical systems, optimization and control theory in order to maintain balance. Even the simplest tasks a robot needed to perform required the use of linear algebra in order to transform data from one space to another. My goal to improve our team’s performance taught me the usefulness of mathematics; my witnessing the robots play soccer as though they had a mind of their own exposed me to the beauty of research.

RoboCup was a driving force during my time at undergrad and shaped my academic goals. I opted to enroll in a number of independent studies in order to continue learning from the experiences. Even during the semesters when I chose not to do an independent study, I devoted at least as much work to the project as for an extra class. My adviser encouraged me to explore the field on my own and provided me with supervision only when I specifically requested it. As a result, I have learned to be independent and to shape my own curriculum.

RoboCup has exposed me to graduate level work. One of the tenets of RoboCup is to promote education and research among students. Faculty play a secondary role in a team’s development. Most of the work is done by graduate or postdoctoral students who are mentored by a small collection of faculty from each institution. undergrad College was among a minority of entirely undergraduate institutions. Regardless of that fact, we were able to compete with the largest and most prestigious universities from around the world. We placed 1^st, 2^nd and 3^rd in the years 2007,2008 and 2009 respectively.

My aim is to specialize in the field of dynamical systems and mathematical physics. I developed my interest in my senior year. In the summer of 2008, the Standard Platform League radically changed the robot platform by transitioning from a four-legged robot to a humanoid biped. Our team had to design a new locomotion system from scratch in order to cope with the added complexity of maintaining balance while walking. A fellow student and I explored the current research into the efficient generation of dynamically balanced walking patterns. We successfully implemented software, which allowed a programmer to issue high-level motion commands (e.g.  “walk forward at six centimeters per second while turning 20 degrees per second”), bypassing the need for detailed instructions. The walk engine computed the movements for all 22 joints of the robot in order to perform the command. The need for the robot to remain balanced when completing these movements presented an additional constraint. Thus, the engine takes into account the dynamics of the robot to ensure that it remains balanced at all times. Finally, the engine had to respond to unplanned external disturbances like rough terrain or bumping into obstacles.  We published our research and results in the RoboCup symposium.

(here I'll talk about my reasons to apply to this school in particular)

I hope to make a career in academia with the help of a PhD.I have made this choice because of the prospect of staying on the forefront of mathematics coupled with the continued interaction with brilliant young minds developing their own new ideas. I want to make my own discoveries and be present when others make their own.

 

Edited November 23, 2009 by George

[George]

 I sincerely apologize for the missing spaces. I don't know why that happened.

[fuzzylogician]

I suggest you remove any identifying details from this post (your name+details of your publication, school names). I'm not sure you want people to be able to find this post when they google you.

[UnlikelyGrad]

Honestly, the missing spaces make it hard to read. But I can suggest at least this change:

My aim is to specialize in the field of dynamical systems andmathematical physics. I developed my interest in my senior year.

Substitute:

I developed a strong interest in the field of dynamical systems and mathematical physics during my senior year.

[George]

You're right. I removed them all. Thanks!

[George]

 Won't anyone else give me some criticism? I'd be very grateful!

[Nytusse]

 Won't anyone else give me some criticism? I'd be very grateful!

Your first paragraph seems too abrupt, like the reader interrupted in the middle of some conversation.

Start with a focused statement of your interests in general, and maybe then start talking about how they evolved. The admissions folks will read the statements so quickly initially that you want to have your main area right in that first paragraph (as awkward as that makes the rest of the essay!)

That first paragraph is really the weakest, so try to make it more precise instead of immediately launching into a history. I'm totally from a different sort of field than you, but maybe start with an interesting sentence or question but not a GIMICKY sentence or question. Something like, "When my robot was able to compete against those of the top universities in the world, and I had been responsible for the programming, I knew for sure that I belonged in robotics. I would like to study the ways in which ------ is applicable to -------- and how the mathematical framework of ------- influences the ------- of robotics." Since I am utterly ignorant of any math and science stuff, I imagine I have given you pretty silly sentences, but you get the idea. Just start with a short, focused paragraph explaining your interests in a few sentences, then go into your academic development.

[George]

Your first paragraph seems too abrupt, like the reader interrupted in the middle of some conversation.

Start with a focused statement of your interests in general, and maybe then start talking about how they evolved.  The admissions folks will read the statements so quickly initially that you want to have your main area right in that first paragraph (as awkward as that makes the rest of the essay!)

That first paragraph is really the weakest, so try to make it more precise instead of immediately launching into a history.  I'm totally from a different sort of field than you, but maybe start with an interesting sentence or question but not a GIMICKY sentence or question.  Something like, "When my robot was able to compete against those of the top universities in the world, and I had been responsible for the programming, I knew for sure that I belonged in robotics.  I would like to study the ways in which ------ is applicable to -------- and how the mathematical framework of ------- influences the ------- of robotics."  Since I am utterly ignorant of any math and science stuff, I imagine I have given you pretty silly sentences, but you get the idea.  Just start with a short, focused paragraph explaining your interests in a few sentences, then go into your academic development.

I took your advice to heart and wrote a new opening paragraph that goes something like this:

Six humanoid robots are playing a game of soccer. Most spectators expect the game itself to provide amusement – they focus on the whole rather than the pieces which comprise it. In contrast, I derive joy from the arrangement of the pieces. I cannot help but think what a robot perceives. Walking seems simple to people – we each know how to place one foot in front of the other. The robot, however, only knows how to set the positions of its joints at desired angles. A substantial number of layers fill this awareness gap, each giving the robot additional skill and understanding, so that it can accomplish the simple task of walking. Each layer is built on the foundation of lower layers using mathematics as the adhesive, but at the very bottom, there are simply addition, multiplication and division. The power of mathematics to encode meaning is a continuing source of inspiration to me.

I like it much better than the old thing. Thanks!

Edited November 30, 2009 by George

[Nytusse]

I LOVE that new paragraph. Really interesting and engaging.