Tear this thing apart! SoP for IR programs

[thombo]

Below is copied the first draft of my SoP for various International Relations masters programs. As you can tell it's well over the length recommendations of 500-700 words, so among everything else, I need your help cutting this thing down to size.

Please don't hold back. I'm not sensitive and recognize the value of candid criticism. Thanks in advance!

______

I wish I could say that applying to the [program] is something I've always dreamed of. It is not. Rather, my interest in [the field] graduate programs and pursuing a career in [x] has grown and evolved substantially over time. Three experiences in particular have shaped my immediate and long term aspirations. While each is listed in my resumé, to truly understand their influence it is imperative to understand how each has complemented the others, offering me varied perspectives and unique insights, all of which, in aggregate, will allow me to contribute to and benefit from the [program]

The three experiences to which I refer are: conducting my honors-thesis research on [subject of paper]; working in [in a foreign country]; and working in my [current job]. Researching and writing my undergraduate honors thesis provided an introduction to the concepts and issues at play for a developing country looking to attract investment from multi-national corporations. I analyzed the determining factors in a company’s decision to invest in a foreign market, and most importantly, I examined the [other important areas relevant to my graduate studies]. My research left me with a desire to explore these issues further via first-hand experience working [abroad].

Working [abroad] served a dual purpose. On the one hand, I gained direct, practical experience [living and working abroad] and using my [skill set] in a professional setting. More importantly, however, my time [abroad] provided real life verification of the issues I explored in my thesis. I had written in largely conceptual terms [about my subject]. Now I was witnessing for myself the real positive consequences [of what I'd written about]. I was personally instructing students in advanced English communication skills and placing them in well paying high-tech jobs at major multi-national corporations. I heard directly from these students, who were pursuing extra-curricular education at their own cost, of how they hoped to build their communicative and technical skill-sets, work for companies such as [ACME, inc and Widgets-R-Us], and use the training, experience and credibility garnered from working at these companies to branch out on their own and start their own companies. It was this experience, seeing first-hand [what I had researched], that invigorated my interest in the topics I addressed in my research and convinced me to pursue a job working [at what I want to do post-grad shcool].

Over the past two years [in my current job] I have gained exposure to the variety of issues facing a global corporation; I have confronted the [x] and engaged [y]. I worked with the [public] officials to bring attention to a [a business problem]. I conducted outreach to [various orgs] to help [a business opportunity]. And for the past several months I have directed [a really cool initiative relevant to my grad school studies]. But for all the excellent opportunities this job has given me, it has also introduced me to the frustrations and limitations of [my current position]. The reality is that [there are certain things that have made me want to change chourse]. I have realized over the last two years that my true interests lie in [doing what I would hope I could do after getting my degree].

The global economic system is dynamic and complex, and the roles of public and private stakeholders in this system are becoming increasingly more interrelated. It is precisely at this nexus of government and industry that I intend to build my career. I have benefited from a diverse set of experiences that have introduced me to the concepts, complexities, and major actors inherent to this system. I realize, however, that to play a key role [doing what I want to do] will require at once a deeper and more comprehensive understanding of the variables and forces impacting this system.

With courses that address both [A] topics such as [x y and z] as well as topics such as [P and Q], the [master's program] represents a recognition that a successful practitioner in [my field of interest] requires a breadth of understanding that spans the public and private sectors. It is evident that [the program] appeals to my career goals, and I am confident that the program is an exacting complement to my professional and academic experiences. I look forward to the opportunity to contribute to the program’s dialogue and discourse.

[modernity]

Scrap your entire first paragraph. It doesn't really add anything to the essay, and a short intro sentence before your second paragraph will get things going just fine. Don't worry about introductions, just get into the meat of what you want to talk about. Adcomms know that with limited word space you don't have time for the formality of an introduction.

In your third paragraph - show, don't tell - instead of saying costa rica served a dual purpose show how it did... say "i used my spanish language skills, while instructing" or something of that nature...

Don't say I was personally instructing or I heard directly from these students - this is redundant and wordy. Say I instructed or I learned from my students instead.

Your second to last paragraph seems to be stating things that people in your field are already well aware of, and seems like another good place to cut your word count down. I think you could probably summarize it in a sentence and find a way to attach it to your previous paragraph.

Your last paragraph is starting to sound a little like an advertisement for the program you're applying to. You have to show more specifically how you're interested in the program. Perhaps go back and elaborate on how this degree is going to take you from the narrowness in your current situation to the breadth you're hoping for, or a particular professor or research project at the school that you're interested in or something of that nature.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh in any way, because I certainly don't intend for it to - but I always feel like I should add that disclaimer at the end when I am commenting on another person's work. I think over all it's a good SOP, there is just a little bit of extraneous packaging around it.

[thombo]

Not harsh. I appreciate the input.

[Tam]

As modernity suggested, I think the first paragraph can completely go. You could replace it with a rewrite of this sentence:

While each is listed on my resumé, to truly understand their influence it is imperative to understand how each has complemented the others, offering me varied perspectives and unique insights, all of which, in aggregate, will allow me to contribute to and benefit from the [The Program's] [Y] concentration.

There are a lot of extra words here. "Truly" and "imperative" and "in aggregate" strike me as unnecessary and generally redundant. There are other places like that in the SOP, like the one modernity noted with "directly" and "personally."

A pithy opening sentence might say something like "Three experiences have led me to want to do research in [X] - my honors thesis in XYZ, the year I spent in Costa Rica, and my professional experiences as manager of international government relations at a global corporation." That's a little awkward, but you can probably unawkwardize it.

About your thesis, you write

Researching and writing my undergraduate honors thesis provided an introduction to the concepts and issues at play for a developing country looking to attract investment from multi-national corporations.

The way this sentence starts with "researching and writing" makes it a bit dead, to me. Every thesis involves researching and writing, so the sentence starts off boring. "Concepts and issues at play" is generic as well -- almost any topic in your field would involve concepts and issues. You don't get to the bit about developing countries trying to get private investment until the very end. I would be more interested if the sentence said something more like, "For my honors thesis, I studied developing countries' efforts to attract private corporate investments."

This paragraph:

Working [abroad] served a dual purpose. On the one hand, I gained direct, practical experience living in a developing nation and using my Spanish language abilities in a professional setting. More importantly, however, my time in Costa Rica provided real life verification of the issues I explored in my thesis. I had written in largely conceptual terms of the benefits of high-impact investment. Now I was witnessing for myself the real positive consequences investment can have on economic development. I was personally instructing students in advanced English communication skills and placing them in well paying high-tech jobs at major multi-national corporations. I heard directly from these students, who were pursuing extra-curricular education at their own cost, of how they hoped to build their communicative and technical skill-sets, work for companies such as [...], and use the training, experience, and credibility garnered from working at these companies to branch out on their own and start their own companies. It was this experience, seeing first-hand the impact of the private and public sector working together toward mutually beneficial goals, that invigorated my interest in the topics I addressed in my research and convinced me to pursue a job working at the intersection of industry and government for a corporation that itself invests directly in emerging markets.

Try to make it more vivid, punchier, less wordy. Maybe something like

My year [...] sharpened not only my Spanish language skills, but my interest in developing countries' engagement with private corporate investment. I taught students advanced English language skills for high-tech jobs at major multi-national corporations. These students told me how they hoped these classes, which they were paying for out of their own pockets, would lead to jobs at companies like [ACME, inc and Widgets-R-Us], and eventually allow them to start their own companies. Watching the private and public sector work together to bring positive economic changes to [...] inspired me to pursue a job working at the intersection of industry and government, and I now work for a corporation that invests in emerging markets.

I'm just a math person, so take what I write with a grain of salt if you want. (I certainly don't know anything about your field.) But what I see when I skim this SOP is a lot of kind of generic words, and not enough content words that catch my eye and make me want to delve in. The good thing is that you really have a lot of excellent content here, so you should be able to cut it down to a reasonable length and have it be much more impactful.

Good luck!

(Writing my SOP was very scary and even the bad rewriting I did of parts of yours was kind of stressful, so don't feel like I'm picking on you. This stuff is hard!)

Edited December 3, 2009 by bgk
Some anonymization