really need an opinion on the first paragraph of my SOP

[Tatiana]

When I decided to apply to a graduate program in International Affairs, I never thought that writing my SOP will be the hardest part of the process. I've been working on it for the past 2 weeks and it is driving me absolustely crazy. I would really appreciate if a couple of people could take a look at my 1st paragragh and give their opinion.

My fascination with international affairs started as a rather casual interest in foreign languages, which appeared at an early age and was spurred by my natural curiosity and desire to make sense of that abundant flow of information from abroad (primarily in English) that flooded Russia after the fall of the Iron Curtain. The more I learned, the more enthralled I became with foreign cultures, that knowledge of languages opens the door to. Soon I realized that I would like to turn this interest into a career, that’s why getting a degree in Interpreting and Translation seemed like a natural choice to me. My undergraduate study at N.Novgorod State Linguistic University did not only provide me with a profound knowledge of English and French languages, literatures and cultures, it gave me a fuller understanding of the importance and complexity of intercultural communication, made me aware of many existing international issues, developed my ability to research and analyze information from a variety of sources, in different languages. I got an opportunity to travel to England, Scotland and the USA, which was a life changing experience as it led to my decision to move to the United States after graduation and explore my opportunities here.

[peppermint.beatnik]

When I decided to apply to a graduate program in International Affairs, I never thought that writing my SOP will be the hardest part of the process. I've been working on it for the past 2 weeks and it is driving me absolustely crazy. I would really appreciate if a couple of people could take a look at my 1st paragragh and give their opinion.

My fascination with international affairs started as a rather casual interest in foreign languages, which appeared at an early age and was spurred by my natural curiosity and desire to make sense of that abundant flow of information from abroad (primarily in English) that flooded Russia after the fall of the Iron Curtain. The more I learned, the more enthralled I became with foreign cultures, that knowledge of languages opens the door to. Soon I realized that I would like to turn this interest into a career, that’s why getting a degree in Interpreting and Translation seemed like a natural choice to me. My undergraduate study at N.Novgorod State Linguistic University did not only provide me with a profound knowledge of English and French languages, literatures and cultures, it gave me a fuller understanding of the importance and complexity of intercultural communication, made me aware of many existing international issues, developed my ability to research and analyze information from a variety of sources, in different languages. I got an opportunity to travel to England, Scotland and the USA, which was a life changing experience as it led to my decision to move to the United States after graduation and explore my opportunities here.

First thing: your ideas are good.

Second thing: lack of clarity in your writing buries these good ideas.

Third thing: After reading the paragraph, I'm confused as to exactly what it is you want to study, and why, because it's so jumbled.

Here are a few things:

WAY too many ideas in the first sentence. One idea per sentence. All of your sentences have too many ideas. It confounds, more than complements your ideas.

The second sentence ends with a dangling preposition [OK for informal writing, not formal writing]

Don't use contractions: that is, not "that's"

Don't use words like "seemed," makes you appear unsure. Write with conviction.

You should start a new paragraph at "My undergraduate . . . "

"English and French language" not "language." All of the words you pluralize should be singular.

[JustChill]

I agree with the above comments, but should add that your ideas really are very good, and that you should simply elaborate a bit and not bunch them together. To me it seems like there is a lot going on in that paragraph, and it'd be better to dilute some of those ideas with personal evidence or background -- more stuff like your undergrad university and growing up and being educated in Russia. You should definitely stress somewhere in your SoP the fact that you have an intimate understanding of two (or more) cultures -- the American and Russian -- as you have lived there and here for a number of years (if that is true). I was also born in the former Soviet Union, and lived in one of the satellite countries until I was 13, and I definitely used that to my advantage in my SoP.

[Tatiana]

Thank you so much for your comments and advice. Lack of clarity IS my huge problem. And trying to cram the description of all my outstanding qualifications and experiences ( ) into an essay of 500 words makes it even worse. Actually, for that particular school you are asked to "state your purpose in undertaking graduate study" and " describe your academic and research interests, career objectives, and how a degree from the *** School will enable you to achieve your goals". I wonder if I should skip the first paragraph altogether.

[jacib]

Thank you so much for your comments and advice. Lack of clarity IS my huge problem. And trying to cram the description of all my outstanding qualifications and experiences ( ) into an essay of 500 words makes it even worse. Actually, for that particular school you are asked to "state your purpose in undertaking graduate study" and " describe your academic and research interests, career objectives, and how a degree from the *** School will enable you to achieve your goals". I wonder if I should skip the first paragraph altogether.

What if your first sentence, instead of reading:

My fascination with international affairs started as a rather casual interest in foreign languages, which appeared at an early age and was spurred by my natural curiosity and desire to make sense of that abundant flow of information from abroad (primarily in English) that flooded Russia after the fall of the Iron Curtain.

read a little more like this:

My interest in foreign affairs started young: when the Iron Curtain fell, formerly censored information suddenly flooded into Russia. Though all this information flowed freely into Russia, it really wasn't freely available to me because only those who spoke foreign languages could access this exciting new knowledge that was hidden in plain sight. I wanted to be able to make sense of this (blah blah blah)

Don't skip the first paragraph, but make it count. Give it a hook, make it catchy. You've got a really cool, unique story. Put it up front, because you want the adcomms to remember you and say "Oh, yeah, what about that girl from Russia who learned English after the fall of the Iron curtain? She sounds interesting."

Edited December 20, 2009 by jacib

[Tatiana]

Does this sound any better?

My interest in international affairs started as mere curiosity about foreign languages and cultures. I was growing up in a time of dramatic political, economic and social changes in Russia. The fall of the Iron Curtain opened the way to a massive flow of information from abroad, created possibilities for international travel and business. At an early age I started to realize that if for my parents foreign language skills did not have much practical use outside the classroom, for my generation they meant a pass to a world of new opportunities. English soon became my favorite subject, which led to decision to pursue a degree in Interpreting and Translation.

My undergraduate study at Nizhniy Novgorod State Linguistic did not only provide me with a profound knowledge of English and French language, literature and culture, it gave me an understanding of the importance and complexity of intercultural communication. Through discussions in class and course work, I became aware of many existing international issues, developed my ability to research and analyze information from a variety of sources, in different languages.

And then I go on to say how I moved to the states and how my experience here made me wanna get a degree in IA etc, etc.. All opinions are greatly appreciated!!.

[peppermint.beatnik]

Does this sound any better?

My interest in international affairs began as a mere curiosity about foreign language and culture. In Russia, I grew up in a time of dramatic political, economic and social change. In 1989, the fall of the Iron Curtain instigated a massive flow of information from abroad. As a result, new possibilities for international travel and business developed. At an early age, I realized that if my parents foreign language skills did not have much practical use outside the classroom, for my generation, foreign language skills created new opportunities.{I think you need a transition sentence] English became my favourite subject. This influenced my decision to pursue a degree in Interpreting and Translation.

Undergraduate study, at Nizhniy Novgorod State Linguistic, provided a profound knowledge of English and French language, literature and culture. This knowledge gave me an understanding of the importance and complexity of intercultural communication. [Expand on "intercultural communication"] Through discussions in class and course work, I learned of many existing international issues[, such as, . . . give example]Knowledge of these issues developed my ability to research and analyze information from a variety of sources in different languages.

And then I go on to say how I moved to the states and how my experience here made me wanna get a degree in IA etc, etc.. All opinions are greatly appreciated!!.

This draft is 100% better.

I edited your paragraph in the quote. The sentences in bold need further clarification; I wasn't sure what you were getting at.

Just choose whatever edits you like. In some places, I added a bit so as to make the flow more logical.

Edited December 22, 2009 by peppermint.beatnik

[peppermint.beatnik]

I can look at your whole sop when you're ready, if you want. I worked in the writing centre at my old school.

Edited December 22, 2009 by peppermint.beatnik

[coyabean]

Dude(ette)!!! You've got a killer opening statement buried in there.

Your research interests are informed by your experiences in Russia during the fall of the Iron Curtain...PERIOD! Right there I get that you are a global citizen, can bring something unique to the department, and probably have some languages under your belt.

That second draft is better but I think your opening should begin and end with the above idea.

[jacib]

This draft is 100% better.

I edited your paragraph in the quote. The sentences in bold need further clarification; I wasn't sure what you were getting at.

Just choose whatever edits you like. In some places, I added a bit so as to make the flow more logical.

I agree with everything coyabean said, to put it bluntly, you really ought to say right up front, "Yo I survived the post-communist transition to a market-economy... bitch. Any of the other fools applying for this shits do that? Naah, thought not. You gotsta let me in." But you know, academically. This can be done simply by chopping your first sentence off, or alternatively, moving it after the first three sentences (before "At an early age").

Also it's my "parents' language skills." I agree with all of Peppermint beatnik's changes, they're really good even if she can't properly spelled "centre" or "favourite" for an American application*. I might add an adverb or an adjective in a place or two, but especially "{I think you need a transition sentence] English [quickly] became my favourite subject". Also I might add which languages you worked with at the end of the second paragraph: again this is something that sets you apart and you should be quite explicit about it.

*I'm kidding to both of you... I think Commonwealth spelling is perfectly fine for these things. I felt I needed to add this disclaimer so you didn't panic and/or I didn't look like a prick.

Edited December 22, 2009 by jacib

[Tatiana]

Thanks a lot to everybody. I've been working on it all day today, but it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. I feel so frustrated! Does everybody go through the same pain working on their SOP or is it only me?

[Tatiana]

Hey guys, does this make any sense, or does it feel like I'm just rambling on?

Growing up in Russia in the 90’s I got to experience a period of dramatic political, economic and social change. The fall of the Iron Curtain instigated a massive flow of information from abroad, which sparked my interest in foreign languages. I remember that my first English teacher tried hard to imbue into our minds the idea of the importance of foreign language skills in our new, open society. I realized that if my parents foreign languages did not have much practical use outside the classroom, for my generation, that knowledge created new opportunities for business and travel. That and also the genuine pleasure I got form learning foreign languages influenced my decision to pursue a degree in Interpreting and Translation.

Undergraduate study, at Nizhniy Novgorod State Linguistic, provided a profound knowledge of English and French language, literature and culture. Translating articles from “Economist”, “Newsweek”, and “Figaro” as a part of my coursework I learned about existing international political and economic issues, like the controversy with NATO expansion, intricacies of Kyoto protocol, economic policy of European Union. Rendering those texts from English or French into Russian besides language skills required deep understanding of the subject matter. Therefore, I would often spend hours researching this or that issue in order to produce an adequate and accurate translation. My professors would always say that the best way to understand a text is to translate it. This experience developed my ability to research and analyze information from a variety of sources in different languages. At the same time, I became aware of the difference in presentation of certain facts and events in Russian and foreign media.

[Tatiana]

I can look at your whole sop when you're ready, if you want. I worked in the writing centre at my old school.

Yes, that would be wonderful!

[Tatiana]

Here is another paragraph from my "masterpiece". Again, all opinions are welcome and greatly, greatly appreciated.

The two years I’ve spent in the US changed my outlook on the world, gave me a better idea of my own capabilities, true interests and goals in life. Trough my interpreting work at the ***** I came in contact with organizations like *****, ****** and ****** engaged in various aspects of international development. Working with groups of professionals from Russia and Kirgizstan I gained a new insight into many political, economic and social issues that my own country and other post communist states are dealing with. For Kirgizstan – it was HIV/AIDS prevention, drug control, family planning and sex education. For a small Russian republic of Adygea – it was public finance management on the local and municipal level, promoting private-public partnerships and community development. That experience helped me realize that I would like to work in the field of international development, and that I was no longer satisfied with the role of an interpreter. As challenging and rewarding as the interpreting profession may be, it appears to me somewhat limiting. At this point I am ready to take my academic knowledge and career to a different level. I seek to broaden my knowledge in political economy, political science and sociology, especially with regards to developing and transition economies like Russia and the countries of the former Soviet Union.

[coyabean]

I agree with everything coyabean said, to put it bluntly, you really ought to say right up front, "Yo I survived the post-communist transition to a market-economy... bitch. Any of the other fools applying for this shits do that? Naah, thought not. You gotsta let me in." But you know, academically. This can be done simply by chopping your first sentence off, or alternatively, moving it after the first three sentences (before "At an early age").

Also it's my "parents' language skills." I agree with all of Peppermint beatnik's changes, they're really good even if she can't properly spelled "centre" or "favourite" for an American application*. I might add an adverb or an adjective in a place or two, but especially "{I think you need a transition sentence] English [quickly] became my favourite subject". Also I might add which languages you worked with at the end of the second paragraph: again this is something that sets you apart and you should be quite explicit about it.

*I'm kidding to both of you... I think Commonwealth spelling is perfectly fine for these things. I felt I needed to add this disclaimer so you didn't panic and/or I didn't look like a prick.

OMG ROFLMAO!!! Someone else with my sense of humor! LOL Yes! That's exactly what I meant. Just drop that shit, homie and then back away like "what?! what?!!" but, you know, academically.

[coyabean]

Hey guys, does this make any sense, or does it feel like I'm just rambling on?

Growing up in Russia in the 90’s1990s I got to experienced a period of dramatic political, economic and social change. The fall of the Iron Curtain instigated initiated? a massive flow of information from abroad, which that sparked my interest in foreign languages. I remember that my first English teacher tried hard to imbue into our minds instill in us the idea of the importance of foreign language skills in our new, open society. I realized that if my parents' foreign languages did not have much practical use outside the classroom, for my generation that knowledge created new opportunities for business and travel. That and also the derive genuine pleasure I got form learning foreign languages combined with these new opportunities to influence my decision to pursue a degree in Interpreting and Translation.

Undergraduate study at Nizhniy Novgorod State Linguistic provided a profound knowledge of English and French language, literature and culture. Translating articles from “Economist”, “Newsweek”, and “Figaro” as a part of my coursework I learned about existing international political and economic issues, like the controversy with NATO expansion, intricacies of Kyoto protocol, economic policy of European Union. Rendering those texts from English or French into Russian besides language skills required both language skills and a deep understanding of the subject matter. Therefore, I would often spend hours researching this or that issue in order to produce an adequate and accurate translation. My professors would always say that the best way to understand a text is to translate it. This experience developed my ability to research and analyze information from a variety of sources in different languages. At the same time, I became aware of the difference in presentation of certain facts and events in Russian and foreign media.

[melusine]

Yo I survived the post-communist transition to a market-economy... bitch. Any of the other fools applying for this shits do that? Naah, thought not. You gotsta let me in."

awwww.. i did too! but the program i'm applying to probably doesn't give a damn..

i've found many people in my field (me included) firmly believe the world ended with their favorite author(s). one of my profs in undergrad (medievalist) couldn't even tell me what/where Kosovo was, but could recite "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" eyes closed.

*sigh*

[jacib]

awwww.. i did too! but the program i'm applying to probably doesn't give a damn..

i've found many people in my field (me included) firmly believe the world ended with their favorite author(s). one of my profs in undergrad (medievalist) couldn't even tell me what/where Kosovo was, but could recite "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" eyes closed.

*sigh*

(Apologies to the original poster for being off topic, your thing is so much improved!)

One of my favorite stories I ever heard during undergrad was about Mircea Eliade, the imminent scholar of religion, who was a Romanian escapee who got all of his news from a small Romanian emigree press in Argentina, shipped at the cheapest rate, so literally all of his news was at least 6 weeks behind.

And Coyabean, one of my favorite professor in college (actually just an ABD grad student) once explained everything in these proper anthropological terms, but none of us were anthropologists, so no one really knew what he was talking about. Finally this girl in the back of the class said, "Okay, but like what's that all mean?" And then he paused for literally two seconds, and then seemlessly busted into an intricate, comprehensive and totally elucidating analogy to about bringing friends to "da club". I wish I could remember all the details, but it was about the different things Boaz and Malinowski brought to the study of anthropology, and why we should cite and read them all, even if we didn't fully agree with them all (I think that part was related to a friend who can't dance but is the best damn wingman ever running all sorts of interference to cover your ass and introducing you to new people and shit), and what they all actually say. God I wish I could remember it, but needless to say, this is a guy who really inspired me to go into graduate studies. Since him and another professor I had at the same quarter, I have learned the value of a well chosen example.

[coyabean]

(Apologies to the original poster for being off topic, your thing is so much improved!)

One of my favorite stories I ever heard during undergrad was about Mircea Eliade, the imminent scholar of religion, who was a Romanian escapee who got all of his news from a small Romanian emigree press in Argentina, shipped at the cheapest rate, so literally all of his news was at least 6 weeks behind.

And Coyabean, one of my favorite professor in college (actually just an ABD grad student) once explained everything in these proper anthropological terms, but none of us were anthropologists, so no one really knew what he was talking about. Finally this girl in the back of the class said, "Okay, but like what's that all mean?" And then he paused for literally two seconds, and then seemlessly busted into an intricate, comprehensive and totally elucidating analogy to about bringing friends to "da club". I wish I could remember all the details, but it was about the different things Boaz and Malinowski brought to the study of anthropology, and why we should cite and read them all, even if we didn't fully agree with them all (I think that part was related to a friend who can't dance but is the best damn wingman ever running all sorts of interference to cover your ass and introducing you to new people and shit), and what they all actually say. God I wish I could remember it, but needless to say, this is a guy who really inspired me to go into graduate studies. Since him and another professor I had at the same quarter, I have learned the value of a well chosen example.

That gives me hope! Cause you just KNOW I'm gonna drop something about how something is like dating. LOL I love it. It's not just funny and effective but I am an affirmed believer that one doesn't really know something until they are able to draw those analogies to commonly held understandings. I read in Alan Alda's book once -- don't ask -- about some brilliant guy in like quantum physics or something who said if a concept could not be explained plainly then it was probably not a well-thought out concept. And this guy did something insane like figure out how to go to space (Sometimes I Talk To Myself might be the name of that book) and I was so happy to read that because I'd always held that belief but who am I, right?

What's the point of being brilliant if you can't share it? And getting that little light to go on for someone else? Ahhhh, so satisfying. I see some of these folks at conferences and such who take such pleasure in being obtuse and I want to punch them in the clavicle. Jackasses. Being fluent in your subject matter is one thing; using knowledge as a weapon is another.

And I like you. This bodes well for you when the war pops off. LOL

[jacib]

That gives me hope! Cause you just KNOW I'm gonna drop something about how something is like dating. LOL I love it. It's not just funny and effective but I am an affirmed believer that one doesn't really know something until they are able to draw those analogies to commonly held understandings. I read in Alan Alda's book once -- don't ask -- about some brilliant guy in like quantum physics or something who said if a concept could not be explained plainly then it was probably not a well-thought out concept. And this guy did something insane like figure out how to go to space (Sometimes I Talk To Myself might be the name of that book) and I was so happy to read that because I'd always held that belief but who am I, right?

What's the point of being brilliant if you can't share it? And getting that little light to go on for someone else? Ahhhh, so satisfying. I see some of these folks at conferences and such who take such pleasure in being obtuse and I want to punch them in the clavicle. Jackasses. Being fluent in your subject matter is one thing; using knowledge as a weapon is another.

And I like you. This bodes well for you when the war pops off. LOL

Punch them in the clavicle, eh?

[coyabean]

Punch them in the clavicle, eh?

I have height issues.