SOP Intro

[Hamz]

How does this sound?

I did not always plan to pursue a career in social work. I received a Bachelor’s degree in dual majors, psychology and sociology, with the intent of working in the field of forensic psychology. However, during my junior year, a volunteer experience renewed my interest in working with urban youth. This inclination was strengthened as I continued to work with disadvantaged students over the next several years and was recently cemented by a school site visit needed for a research project conducted by my work

[coyabean]

How does this sound?

I did not always plan to pursue a career in social work. I received a Bachelor’s degree in dual majors, psychology and sociology, with the intent of working in the field of forensic psychology. However, during my junior year, a volunteer experience renewed my interest in working with urban youth. This inclination was strengthened as I continued to work with disadvantaged students over the next several years and was recently cemented by a school site visit needed for a research project conducted by my work

I would strongly suggest editing out the first sentence, maybe even the first two. Why have your first impression be one that communicates, if only subconciously, something negative? And it really doesn't add anything. My suggestion:

During my junior year a volunteer experience (where? with whom? doing what? that's the interesting stuff) refocused my studies in sociology and psychology (not reallly all that different from social work are they? so no need, IMO, to make them seem like negatives) on my long-standing interest in working with urban youth. My X amount of years/semesters working with disadvantaged students at XYZ, Inc. clarified my interests by providing experience in ABC. Further, a recent school site visit I conducted tiative for a research project that examines 123 honed my research interest in ABC.

[tem11]

Hi Hamz! I responded to your last thread and I am more than willing to look over your SOP. Just wanted to say that I couldn't agree more with what coyabean said. Definitely don't start your essay out on a negative note.

[Hamz]

Hi Hamz! I responded to your last thread and I am more than willing to look over your SOP. Just wanted to say that I couldn't agree more with what coyabean said. Definitely don't start your essay out on a negative note.

I think this is excellent advice! Thank you both. Terri, I am PMing you

[Hamz]

I think this is excellent advice! Thank you both. Terri, I am PMing you

I've re-drafted it. Kinda different... thoughts?

I’ve been following the same Thursday night routine for the past five years: I walk out of my office located in one of the nicest neighborhoods in (X), ride the bus 30 minutes across the city, and walk into a public charter high school located in one of the most neglected neighborhoods in (X). It was this volunteer opportunity that refocused my studies in sociology and psychology on my long-standing interest in working with urban youth. Throughout the time that I have worked with disadvantaged students, I have learned firsthand about their lives and the challenges that they face. A recent school site visit I conducted for a research project focused my interest toward working with students with emotional and behavioral disabilities.

[fuzzylogician]

I’ve been following the same Thursday night routine for the past five years: I walk out of my office located in one of the nicest neighborhoods in (X), ride the bus 30 minutes across the city, and walk into a public charter high school located in one of the most neglected neighborhoods in (X).

It's still not quite right. This opening sentence tells us all the wrong things about your volunteer experience; tell us what you did, not how long it took you to get there.

It was this volunteer opportunity that refocused my studies in sociology and psychology on my long-standing interest in working with urban youth.

Why not the simpler: This volunteer experience refocused...

Throughout the time that I have worked with disadvantaged students, I have learned firsthand about their lives and the challenges that they face.

Again, I'm missing the details. What have you learned?

A recent school site visit I conducted for a research project focused my interest toward working with students with emotional and behavioral disabilities.

Why/how did that project influence your interests?

Do you elaborate on that research project later on in the essay? From reading this, it seems that the project and your new interest have something in common, but you don't say what.

Overall I feel that you're giving us too many details in one paragraph, but you're not going into depth on any of them and it creates a cluttered feeling. Try making it more cohesive by telling us more about your volunteer experience - where you volunteered, what you did there, *specific* things it taught you. Then refine your interest to working with students with emotional and behavioral disabilities -- explain why/how your research project got you interested in that.

Edited January 13, 2010 by fuzzylogician