SoP - Ravage Me

[TheSportsGuy]

Hey All,

I was hoping some would be willing to ravage statement, I am not a very good writer when it comes to these things. I find myself self concious, often too broad, and ill focused. I appreciate any and all feedback provided, and would be more than willing to help anyone else out.

“This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take awhile”, remarked President George Bush in the wake of the events of September 11^th 2001. The word crusade, defined figuratively as “an aggressive enterprise against some public evil”, belies its historical roots as a Christian penitential war. I still cringe at this poor choice of words. It represents an egregious distortion of my area of study and illustrates an endemic problem in our nation: the lack of proper study and appreciation for history.

The medieval period, another word fraught with historical misunderstanding, enraptured my undergraduate research. My nights became filled with the careful scholarship of Bede, the belittling words of Procopius, and the fiery sermons of Bernard of Clairvaux. As monarchies sought to centralize themselves, the Catholic Church filled the void left by the Roman Empire as a new basis of European social identity. This seemingly pacifist religious hegemony developed a sophisticated belief system in which it rationalized synonymous acts of piety and violence. The Church then exercised this ideological construct in the calling of the Crusades. A movement that captured my imagination in its ability to inspire thousands to displace themselves from their homes for years, to fight in the name of God in a foreign land.

I am cautious in labeling the path these interests will lead in my graduate research, however I do believe I can identify certain themes. First, would be an examination of medieval polemists artful manipulation in constructing a western European concept of the “other.” Societies often attribute qualities or actions to their enemies that coincide with what they perceive as the worst of sins. An investigation into the demonizing rhetoric employed against Muslims, Jews, pagans and heretics may open new windows of understanding into the values that defined medieval society. Furthermore, I have a deep interest in how individuals throughout history apply the intellectual tools their culture and society has provided them with to make sense of foreign cultures. An aspect I began to explore in my synthesis of Robert de Clari, a petty knight from Picardy, who could not rise above the prejudices of his age, race and station in chronicling the Fourth Crusade.

The eminent faculty of [Edit] will provide me with a strong foundation in medieval studies from which to elaborate and complicate these rudimentary premises. Professor [Generic Professor]'s research on the crusades as an element of identity in medieval nobility, as elaborated upon in “[Generic Article]", creates a number of provocative research opportunities. If a crusading narrative can be written to benefit a particular family of nobility, what other functions can it fulfill? In exploring this question, Professor [G]'s knowledge of medieval history alongside Professor [Generic Female Professor]'s expertise in medieval literature would be instrumental. These professors and the department’s interdisciplinary approach will make Fordham University a diverse and challenging atmosphere for my graduate education.

Resolved to become a Professor of History, I have devoted myself to the study of Latin, and I am exploring local colleges in my area for an opportunity to formalize that education. I hope to one day disseminate my studies to a wider audience, in an effort to combat the rampant misconceptions of history in today’s world.

[fuzzylogician]

“This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take awhile”, remarked President George Bush in the wake of the events of September 11^th 2001. The word crusade, defined figuratively as “an aggressive enterprise against some public evil”, belies its historical roots as a Christian penitential war. I still cringe at this poor choice of words. It represents an egregious distortion of my area of study and illustrates an endemic problem in our nation: the lack of proper study and appreciation for history.

I'd edit this entire paragraph out. The quote has nothing to do with the rest of your SOP; further, I doubt it's a good (or even original) idea to mention 9/11 as a hook.

The medieval period, another word fraught with historical misunderstanding, enraptured my undergraduate research. My nights became filled with the careful scholarship of Bede, the belittling words of Procopius, and the fiery sermons of Bernard of Clairvaux. As monarchies sought to centralize themselves, the Catholic Church filled the void left by the Roman Empire as a new basis of European social identity. This seemingly pacifist religious hegemony developed a sophisticated belief system in which it rationalized synonymous acts of piety and violence. The Church then exercised this ideological construct in the calling of the Crusades. A movement that captured my imagination in its ability to inspire thousands to displace themselves from their homes for years, to fight in the name of God in a foreign land.

Seriously consider editing for less fluff: fewer phrases like "enraptured", "my nights became filled", and fewer (no) adjectives. This advice holds for the entire essay. It's the main thing that bothered me while reading it.

Additionally, don't retell history. The adcomm already knows the historical facts.

The last sentence begins to tell the reader something about you as an applicant, but it's too general to be effective. You could almost start here and cut everything above it, but add details about (1) why/how this interest came about (2) any scholarly work you've done on the subject.

Since the next paragraph deals with your future interests, I am missing information about your past/current preparation for grad school. What specific topics did you study? Did you write any papers? Do independent study? Write a thesis? Take advance courses? The Latin sentence should go here.

I am cautious in labeling the path these interests will lead in my graduate research, however I do believe I can identify certain themes. First, would be an examination of medieval polemists artful manipulation in constructing a western European concept of the “other.” Societies often attribute qualities or actions to their enemies that coincide with what they perceive as the worst of sins. An investigation into the demonizing rhetoric employed against Muslims, Jews, pagans and heretics may open new windows of understanding into the values that defined medieval society. Furthermore, I have a deep interest in how individuals throughout history apply the intellectual tools their culture and society has provided them with to make sense of foreign cultures. An aspect I began to explore in my synthesis of Robert de Clari, a petty knight from Picardy, who could not rise above the prejudices of his age, race and station in chronicling the Fourth Crusade.

Edit out the first half of the first sentence. You don't want to say anything negative in your SOP. Instead of saying you don't know what you want to study, say you're looking forward to opening up to new ideas through the diverse course offerings at Uni X (or some such).

Expand on that synthesis. What did you find, what were your conclusions? Don't just give general information that's not unique to your research. The part about the synthesis seems to belong in the previous paragraph, where you talk about your preparation and previous work.

The eminent faculty of [Edit] will provide me with a strong foundation in medieval studies from which to elaborate and complicate these rudimentary premises. Professor [Generic Professor]'s research on the crusades as an element of identity in medieval nobility, as elaborated upon in “[Generic Article]", creates a number of provocative research opportunities. If a crusading narrative can be written to benefit a particular family of nobility, what other functions can it fulfill? In exploring this question, Professor [G]'s knowledge of medieval history alongside Professor [Generic Female Professor]'s expertise in medieval literature would be instrumental. These professors and the department’s interdisciplinary approach will make Fordham University a diverse and challenging atmosphere for my graduate education.

Cut "eminent", "rudimentary".

interdisciplinary approach -- how is that important for your research?

Resolved to become a Professor of History, I have devoted myself to the study of Latin, and I am exploring local colleges in my area for an opportunity to formalize that education. I hope to one day disseminate my studies to a wider audience, in an effort to combat the rampant misconceptions of history in today’s world.

This is odd and sticks out.

"Resolved to become a Professor of History" - I think it's worded too strongly for someone who professes to only have rudimentary ideas about their research interests.

"I have devoted myself to the study of Latin, and I am exploring local colleges in my area for an opportunity to formalize that education" - this is out of place. It shouldn't be part of the closing. "I have devoted myself" - again, too strongly worded.

"I hope to one day disseminate my studies to a wider audience, in an effort to combat the rampant misconceptions of history in today’s world" - "disseminate" sounds too fluffy to me. "rampant misconceptions" - what misconceptions? This has nothing to do with the content of your essay, nor as far as I understand, with your interests. If you think studying medieval history can change modern thinking, maybe you should elaborate on that and say how?

Edited January 14, 2010 by fuzzylogician

[modernity]

Seriously consider editing for less fluff: fewer phrases like "enraptured", "my nights became filled", and fewer (no) adjectives. This advice holds for the entire essay. It's the main thing that bothered me while reading it.

Additionally, don't retell history. The adcomm already knows the historical facts.

The last sentence begins to tell the reader something about you as an applicant, but it's too general to be effective. You could almost start here and cut everything above it, but add details about (1) why/how this interest came about (2) any scholarly work you've done on the subject.

Since the next paragraph deals with your future interests, I am missing information about your past/current preparation for grad school. What specific topics did you study? Did you write any papers? Do independent study? Write a thesis? Take advance courses? The Latin sentence should go here.

"I hope to one day disseminate my studies to a wider audience, in an effort to combat the rampant misconceptions of history in today’s world" - "disseminate" sounds too fluffy to me. "rampant misconceptions" - what misconceptions? This has nothing to do with the content of your essay, nor as far as I understand, with your interests. If you think studying medieval history can change modern thinking, maybe you should elaborate on that and say how?

I agree with all of this, and would also say a few other things. The main theme I get from your essay is arrogance... you're constantly saying that people had a poor choice of words, they don't understand history, there are rampant misconceptions, etc. You sound angry, and if I was a professor I would be worried that you may not take criticism of your own work very well or would perhaps be too arrogant to be open to any other way of thinking. I highly doubt that this is the feeling you're trying to communicate, and you're likely just trying to sound confident - but that can be a thin line.

On a side note I find this topic really interesting. It was interesting to learn how many christian soldiers/persons who moved to the middle east/participated in the crusades parted with their previous misconceptions about the "other" and brought this information back to Europe with them. And when the church's "othering" process started to fall apart when some christians (byzantines among others) began realizing that they got better treatment/understanding from their muslim neighbors than their "christian brethren" (the whole ethnicity/location vs. religious identity bit)... That and how quickly christian/muslim cultures melded during times of peace as a result of necessity.

[TheSportsGuy]

Thank you - everyone - for your feedback. This is the type of writing I struggle with, so I appreciate all the feedback I've received thus far. I am by training a speech writer, so adjectives, political overtones, and all that crap is what comes out of me by default. They do not, however, have any place here. I have started with a clean sheet of paper, and it is a laborious process, as you all know. I would like to share my new introduction, for further feedback from anyone willing to continue to help. Don't pull any punches.

As an undergraduate I challenged myself in my senior year by undertaking graduate coursework at [Generic University]. It was here that I was first introduced to the crusades, in a graduate seminar on the subject by Professor [bob Dylan]. They captured my attention not only because of their massive scope, but also in their ability to inspire so many to traverse thousands of miles to fight, and often die, under an alien sun. Although I have a strong basis in medieval history, it was not until I read Jonathan Riley-Smith’s What Were the Crusades? that I began to move away from my simplistic notions that the crusaders were motivated by greed and monetary gain. His careful analysis of the increasingly high economic costs of crusading in order to refute the “profit motive” argument allowed me to reconsider the penitential aspects of crusading. This interdisciplinary approach to history provided me with a new framework in which to situate my interests, and I am eager to explore what further factors, societal or otherwise, may have influenced men to take up the cross.

[expressionista]

As an undergraduate I challenged myself in my senior year by undertaking graduate coursework at [Generic University]. It was here that I was first introduced to the crusades, in a graduate seminar on the subject by Professor [bob Dylan]. They captured my attention not only because of their massive scope, but also in their ability to inspire so many to traverse thousands of miles to fight, and often die, under an alien sun. Although I have a strong basis in medieval history, it was not until I read Jonathan Riley-Smith’s What Were the Crusades? that I began to move away from my simplistic notions that the crusaders were motivated by greed and monetary gain. His careful analysis of the increasingly high economic costs of crusading in order to refute the “profit motive” argument allowed me to reconsider the penitential aspects of crusading. This interdisciplinary approach to history provided me with a new framework in which to situate my interests, and I am eager to explore what further factors, societal or otherwise, may have influenced men to take up the cross.

A few comments:

You could probably use more of an introductory sentence. You sort of just jump right in with the first sentence, and it seems kind of awkard.

I think "under an alien sun" is totally corny. "Take up the cross" also strikes me as cliche. To be fair, I have a low tolerance for corniness.

You used pretty extreme passive voice with "It was here that I was" and later "it was not until I read." I'm not 100% opposed to passive voice, but I don't think you used it effectively in these cases.

A few words don't seem like they mean exactly what you want them to, and I would use something different. Examples:

"strong basis in medieval history" (basis), "argument allowed me" (allowed), and maybe "in which to situate my interests" (situate).

Some of your pronouns aren't complete clear in what they're referring to. For example, "they" at the beginning of your third sentence and "his" at the beginning of your second to last sentence. I mean, I understand what they're referring to, but I think the pronouns are too far from the nouns they're replacing to be used.

I do think your overall subject matter is very good and this is improved from the original introducation you posted.

[fuzzylogician]

Unlike expressionista, I think you need less of an introductory transition. I would start directly with your main interest, e.g.:

Crusades fascinate not only because of their massive scope, but also because of their ability to inspire so many to traverse thousands of miles to fight, and often die, under an alien sun.

I'm also not a huge fan of the "alien sun", but you get the general idea.

Next, cut out the passive and negative speak, e.g.:

Although I have a strong basis in medieval history, it was not until I After reading Jonathan Riley-Smith’s What Were the Crusades?, that (in a graduate seminar at University?) I began to move away from my simplistic notions that the crusaders were motivated by greed and monetary gain. His Riley-Smith’s careful analysis of the increasingly high economic costs of crusading in order to refute the “profit motive” argument allowed me to reconsider the penitential aspects of crusading. This interdisciplinary approach to history provided me with a new framework in which to situate my interests, and I am eager to explore what further factors, societal or otherwise, may have influenced men to take up the cross.

"in which to situate my interests" - two problems: first "situate" is also not my favorite choice of word; more importantly, what interests? I would consider revising to something less wordy, e.g. (replacing the entire last sentence):

I am eager to use the framework that this interdisciplinary approach to history provides in order to explore what further factors, societal or otherwise, may have influenced men to participate in crusades.

Overall, this is looking much better than your last post!

[jacib]

You used pretty extreme passive voice with "It was here that I was" and later "it was not until I read." I'm not 100% opposed to passive voice, but I don't think you used it effectively in these cases.

Neither of those examples are passive voice, unless you meant in the first example "I was introduced" (that's passive voice. As a handy guide, it's passive voice if you can ask "by whom?" or "by what?" were you [x]ed?). However, they are still bad form. You unnecessarily made what ought to have been your main clause into a supporting clause using an anticipatory "it" in order to emphasize an adverbial element. They ought to be changed (that, my friend, is passive voice, but I believe used judiciously).

I personally like an evocative phrase like "take up the cross" so long as you put scare quotes around it. If you're tied to the image, on alien soil works better than under an alien sun, because, after all, it's still the same sun that they died under.

I like fuzzy's approach. We talked about the value of personal anecdotes in a (start under post #12), and the conclusion which I took from that discussion was that it's basically a wash whether or not to include an anecdote. If none come to mind, go with Fuzzy's direct approach.

Italicize book titles.

I agree with expressionista's pronoun comments. Be careful if you decide to use multiple subclauses beginning with "that" or "what" in a single sentence. Even fuzzy's corrected sentence I think would read better if "use the framework that this interdisciplinary approach provided me with" if it were replaced [passive voice again, on purpose] with simply "explore (a variation of) this interdisciplinary framework"

[TheSportsGuy]

Hey All - Thanks again for the input. I have incorporated some of the suggestions thus far, mainly because I didn't want to get to crazy without first having an entire document to work with. Here is the first draft, completed. I am going to rest on it for tonight, but I would appreciate any further input on the new document. On the whole, I am much happier with it than the original, but I still feel their are some points where I make similar mistakes.

As an undergraduate I challenged myself in my senior year by undertaking graduate coursework at the [university of Rock]. It was here that I was first introduced to the crusades, in a graduate seminar on the subject by Professor [bob Dylan]. The Crusades fascinate not only because of their massive scope, but also because of their ability to inspire so many to traverse thousands of miles to fight, and often die, under an alien sun. After reading Jonathan Riley-Smith’s What Were the Crusades? I began to move away from my simplistic notions that the crusaders were motivated by greed and monetary gain. Riley-Smith’s careful analysis of the increasingly high economic costs of crusading in order to refute the “profit motive” argument allowed me to reconsider the penitential aspects of crusading. This interdisciplinary approach to history provided me with a new framework in which to situate my interests, and I am eager to explore what further factors, societal or otherwise, may have influenced men to take up the cross.

I had an opportunity to begin to explore these questions in my undergraduate research, which included a textual analysis of Robert de Clari’s La Conquête de Constantinople. More recently, I undertook a study to ascertain the reasons why King Charles VI commissioned Philippe de Mezieres, a 14^th century crusading propagandist, to act as an intercessor between France and England during the tense negotiations of 1395. I argued that Mézières was uniquely suited to act as an intercessor between the two courts, because his history has a crusade propagandist had proved him to be a accomplished arbitrator with a wealth of connections on both sides of the channel. During the course of my work, I have learned to be patient in the face of deadends, and the value of time management.

Over the past year, I have worked to increase my language skills. This past summer I succeeded in completing [Dos Equis]’s Latin Institute, a grueling ten-week immersion course that provided me with a strong foundation in Latin grammar and literature. Having attained such proficiency, I have been sure not to let these skills go unexercised and have formed two Latin reading groups (one Classical, the other Medieval), and joined a third within [school of Rock]’s Philosophy Department. Furthermore, I have recently attained reading proficiency in French and plan to audit an undergraduate course in the spring. My hope is that by next year my French will be sufficiently developed to learn Middle French with Professor [Female Generic Professor], an expert on the language.

Having attended Fordham as a part time student for the fall semester, I now desire to become a full time student and further experience the communal atmosphere and involved faculty that I have come to love. Furthermore, next year Professor [Generic Male Professor] will have returned from leave. Professor [Generic]’s expertise on the medieval family and the influences its traditions may have wielded upon those choosing to participate in crusade would help guide my own research. All of these factors lead me to believe that [The School of Rock] would be able to provide me with the rigorous training necessary to explore my interests, and many other questions yet to be asked.

[fuzzylogician]

This is much much better, well done!

I'm not going to comment on your intro right now, since you say you're still working on it.

Structurally, your SOP right now looks like this:

25% intro + research interests

25% research experience

25% language preparation

25% fit

I think you would be well served to enlarge the fit section and mention at least one other professor you would like to work with, preferably two. Also, add a sentence or two about your goals/plans for the future, and maybe spend less space talking about your language preparation. I'm also missing details about the first project you mentioned in the second paragraph; say something more beside just mentioning doing the research -- what did you learn?

During the course of my work, I have learned to be patient in the face of deadends, and the value of time management.

This is something you want your recommenders to say about you, saying it yourself is less convincing.

There is some repetitiveness in your SOP. For example, in the first and second sentences of the intro you mention taking graduate courses; one of those could be cut. If you still want to ease into your research interests instead of leading with them, try this:

As an undergraduate I challenged myself in my senior year by undertaking graduate coursework at the [university of Rock]. It was here that I was first introduced to the crusades, in a graduate seminar on the subject by Professor [bob Dylan] that I took in my senior year as an undergraduate. The Crusades fascinate me not ...

Note: The adcomm can find your UG institution, the course name and (possibly) the instructor in your transcripts. I'm not sure that all this name dropping is helpful here, especially if this instructor is also writing you a LOR, where they will surely mention all of these details.

In the second-to-last and last sentence of the third paragraph you mention a French course. Are those the same?

You still use some convoluted language:

P2: I had an opportunity to begin began to explore these questions in my undergraduate research...

P2: his history has a crusade propagandist

P3: This past summer I succeeded in completing completed [Dos Equis]’s Latin Institute, a grueling ten-week immersion course

P3: Having attained such proficiency, I have been sure not to let these skills go unexercised and ... To exercise my language skills ...

P4: Professor [Generic]’s expertise on the medieval family and the influences its traditions may have wielded upon those choosing to participate in crusade would help guide my own research. -- I find this hard to read. Maybe reword to bring the verb closer to its subject?

P4: All of these factors lead me to believe that [The School of Rock] would will be able to provide me with the rigorous training necessary to explore my interests. -- you only mention three factors: atmosphere, faculty (generally), one specific professor. Can you say more about why the school is a good fit for you? other faculty members that interest you, resources, courses, reading groups, etc.?

[mudlark]

fuzzylogician, you are awesome.

[fuzzylogician]

fuzzylogician, you are awesome.

Thanks

[liszt85]

Thanks

And you have a lot of time on your hands! That's good to know after all the hard work you did last semester. When do your classes begin again?

[fuzzylogician]

And you have a lot of time on your hands! That's good to know after all the hard work you did last semester. When do your classes begin again?

I have the flu. I should be working on an article but I don't feel concentrated enough. I figured I'd put the time to good use.

Classes begin in February. We have a whole month and a half off for winter break, which is great. I've already finished one article (submitted on Friday) and I'm working on a conference presentation and the article, which are due in late February. But if I didn't have those, I could relax for about 6 weeks and really do nothing. It's great!

[liszt85]

I have the flu. I should be working on an article but I don't feel concentrated enough. I figured I'd put the time to good use.

Classes begin in February. We have a whole month and a half off for winter break, which is great. I've already finished one article (submitted on Friday) and I'm working on a conference presentation and the article, which are due in late February. But if I didn't have those, I could relax for about 6 weeks and really do nothing. It's great!

Great. We had just about a month off (25 days, which is not all that bad either). I did no work however and I absolutely needed that rest. Also visited my aunt in Denver (which is a beautiful place). I'm working on a conference paper now too..due in early Feb (Cognitive Sc conference). Writing my first ever independent Matlab code (I've always had programming help before). It feels good to finally get the code working, etc. Discovering the little pleasures of being a student/researcher.

Oh btw, is anybody planning to go to the conferences in Portland, Oregon in late July-early August (there are 3 of them I think..one is the summer interdisc conference, the other is the cog sci conference and probably also the math psych one. All at the same place and one following the other)? If so, we should meet up when we get there and maybe even get going some grad cafe collaborations in research.

[fuzzylogician]

Great. We had just about a month off (25 days, which is not all that bad either). I did no work however and I absolutely needed that rest. Also visited my aunt in Denver (which is a beautiful place). I'm working on a conference paper now too..due in early Feb (Cognitive Sc conference). Writing my first ever independent Matlab code (I've always had programming help before). It feels good to finally get the code working, etc. Discovering the little pleasures of being a student/researcher.

Oh btw, is anybody planning to go to the conferences in Portland, Oregon in late July-early August (there are 3 of them I think..one is the summer interdisc conference, the other is the cog sci conference and probably also the math psych one. All at the same place and one following the other)? If so, we should meet up when we get there and maybe even get going some grad cafe collaborations in research.

Glad to hear you're enjoying yourself

I haven't made plans beyond March yet. Anyway, I'm not sure I'll have anything to present this summer. The two papers I am writing this year are the result of work done last year; so far I haven't done any real research this year. I'm going to start doing independent study next semester, but even if there are significant results (not a sure thing by any means), I doubt I'll be able to present them before next fall. I don't know what other people in my year are doing, but I'll be sure to keep my ears open and let you know if I hear anything. Good luck to you, if you're applying to those conferences!

OP: sorry for hijacking your thread

[TheSportsGuy]

Thread hijacking is a time honored internet tradition, like Wikipedia chains and dating service advertisements. No worries.

Thank you all for the input thus far (And a special thanks to Fuzzy).

I cut another draft this morning, where I edited out some of the introduction, supplemented the fit section, and added something to my past research experience. I am considering adding a sentence to the end of the third paragraph speaking about my language goals for the upcoming summer. Furthermore, I am considering making the first sentence past tense.

I would appreciate any additional feedback!

The Crusades fascinate me not only because of their massive scope, but also because of their ability to inspire so many to traverse thousands of miles to fight, and often die, in a foreign land. After reading Jonathan Riley-Smith’s What Were the Crusades? I began to move away from my simplistic notions that the crusaders were motivated by greed and monetary gain. Riley-Smith’s careful analysis of the increasingly high economic costs of crusading in order to refute the “profit motive” argument allowed me to reconsider the penitential aspects of crusading. This interdisciplinary approach to history provided me with a new framework in which to situate my interests, and I am eager to explore what further factors, societal or otherwise, may have influenced men to take up the cross.

I began to explore these questions in my undergraduate research, which included a textual analysis of Robert de Clari’s La Conquête de Constantinople. Here, I suggested that Robert was motivated to write his story in response to the demonizing rhetoric used by the Pope and others to characterize the Fourth Crusade. More recently, I undertook a study to ascertain the reasons why King Charles VI commissioned Philippe de Mezieres, a 14^th century crusading propagandist, to act as an intercessor between France and England during the tense negotiations of 1395. I argued that Philippe was uniquely suited to act as an intercessor between the two courts, because his history as a crusade propagandist had proved him to be an accomplished arbitrator with a wealth of connections on both sides of the channel.

Over the past year, I have worked to increase my language skills. This past summer I completed CUNY’s Latin Institute, a ten-week immersion course that provided me with a strong foundation in Latin grammar and literature. To exercise my language skills I have formed two Latin reading groups (one Classical, the other Medieval), and joined a third within Fordham’s Philosophy Department. Furthermore, I have recently attained reading proficiency in French and plan to audit an undergraduate course in the spring.

Having attended Fordham as a part time student for the fall semester, I now desire to become a full time student and further experience the communal atmosphere and involved faculty that I have come to love. Next year Professor Nicholas Paul, who is an expert on the medieval family and crusading traditions, will have returned from leave. Professor Paul’s expertise will help to guide my own research. Likewise, Professor Suzanne Yeager’s knowledge of crusade literature will allow me to investigate how literary representations of crusading may have influenced the crusaders. Additionally, as my French continues to develop I hope to learn Middle French with Professor Susan Dudash, an expert on the language. All of these factors lead me to believe that Fordham will be able to provide me with the rigorous training necessary to explore my interests and prepare me for a PhD program in History.

[fuzzylogician]

It looking even better than before, very nice!

I don't have time to go into a lot of detail, but for now:

I am considering adding a sentence to the end of the third paragraph speaking about my language goals for the upcoming summer. Furthermore, I am considering making the first sentence past tense.

The first part sounds like a good idea; the second part, not so much. Why talk about your fascination with crusades in the past tense? That's what you're proposing to work on in grad school. (Or are you referring to the first sentence of another paragraph?)

Also:

P2: I began to explore these questions in my undergraduate research, which included a textual analysis of Robert de Clari’s La Conquête de Constantinople.

Break to two sentences: I began to explore these questions in my undergraduate research. For a course on X, I wrote a textual analysis of Robert de Clari’s La Conquête de Constantinople. [description of work]. More recently, I undertook a study to ascertain the reasons why [blah].

I undertook a study to ascertain the reasons why -- it's a bit wordy, but I don't have a good replacement suggestion for you right now.

P4: Next year Professor Nicholas Paul, who is an expert on the medieval family and crusading traditions, will have returned from leave. Professor Paul’s expertise will help to guide my own research.

There's no need to tell the department that one of its faculty is an expert on X. Change to something like:

Next year, Professor Nicholas Paul will have returned from leave. His expertise on the medieval family and crusading traditions will help to guide my own research.

P4: Additionally, as my French continues to develop I hope to learn Middle French with Professor Susan Dudash, an expert on the language.

Likewise on telling the department someone is an expert. Is she from outside the department so they wouldn't know her? I'd suggest editing to remove that part and add the specifics about the course you'll take with her, or alternatively how she will help advance your research. If you have specific ideas about how to use Middle French in a way that will benefit your project, consider mentioning them.

Edited January 18, 2010 by fuzzylogician