not so sure

[sca1een]

Hey..can anyone here check out one of the versions of my application essay..I like it the best but bot sure whether this is a good choice or whether something should be changed...thanks

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Transformation can be described as a change over time, however, transformation isn’t the term I would use to define my sudden “change”. My alteration wasn’t as depraved as most individuals who had gone through possibly worse, however, my adjustment was my own, meaning I didn’t know how to handle the situation around that time, nor did I know that this was going to be a turning point in my life. I can confirm that my “change” was mostly like a metamorphosis.
A metamorphosis, was my way of being able to name my current situation and transformation at the time. My situation had turned me from a young innocent child into a young adult, faster than I had wanted to. When I was a young child, I remember being able to live and have fun, as if no care in the world. Before my situation, I remember being a child who would play in her favorite playground and would live each day with such excitement and love. That was basically the life of any child, just to have fun and laugh while you can, before life hits you with hard reality. My hard reality occurred when I was a child, in elementary beginning to notice that my health was failing, forcing me to change and adapt to new conflicts and brace myself for new solutions. What I mean as to brace myself, I meant, as a kid I was very clumsy and was able to get sick very easily, but I never knew that I would get so much worse than I expected. First, it had started with the stomach pains in my lower abdomen, and then suddenly after every meal I would have a need to throw up until my body couldn’t produce any more waste. This resulted only the beginning in which, much worse was coming forth.
Therefore, my parents thought I had maybe received another infection or sickness and had given me antibiotics to help, however when the medicine didn’t show any sign of positive feedback, that’s when my parents decided to take me to the doctors. But I couldn’t help to think that, when I was supposed to be playing around and having fun like most kids, I had spent most of my time in the hospital being treated and tested. As the time came to finalize the doctor’s announcement, he had stated that I had a very complex and difficult case of the Peptic Ulcer Disease. Especially for my age, he had feared the worst because in order to get treatment I had to get my stomach pumped and go through an endoscopy, which of course, is no treatment for a child. Of course, I didn’t know what that meant so the nurses had to talk to me before and after the procedure of what they had done and how it will benefit me in the future. Once they had told me, they also mentioned that having an endoscopy at a young and early age is very risky. Risky in the terms that I might grow up into an adult and have complications with my throat or other body organs, due to the procedures and treatments. However, at that time I didn’t really much find a reason to care about what would happen to me, as long as I had received the proper treatment and was seeing positive results. During my time of treatment, I had been hit with realization that I was no longer like the kids who played all the time laughing but I was unique in a way that my illness, was the first stage of my metamorphosis.
From that moment on, I had been treated differently by others and most importantly by my own self. I didn’t feel as a young child anymore but I felt as a child who needed medicine in order to live. I had to get treatment at an early age that I didn’t have much time building my childhood. After the procedures, I had been feeling worse for the reason that the doctors would always constantly repeat what was wrong with me. It made me feel insecure that my own body would not be good enough to live in. At this point of my life, I had been learning how to cope with my illness and I was learning the importance of coping.  At one point in my life, I had been near a death experience at least once when dealing with my sickness. I can say that, the little scare I had when I heard the doctors say that a hole was near my heart was scaring me to death. However, I know now that I must continue to watch my health or I will end up in the beginning once again.
After the near death experience, I had more intense treatments to make sure that I will live long enough to see my life expand and flourish, just like a butterfly after it escapes from the cocoon. I knew at a young age, that I had so much to do with my life. I know that I put individuals I love in pain just by the sight of my treatment, however, after my experiences I decided to live each day without a regret, trying to catch up with all those days spent in the hospital. It may sound cliché but those experiences shaped me by teaching me lessons that were too early for even a child to learn and understand, but I am glad that I have those experiences that taught me, how to live.

Resources used

• Metamorphosis. Mariam-Webster Dictionary Online. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/metamorphosis

Tools used

• Ace Proofreading. Retrieved from http://acewriters.org/
• Hemingway App. Retrieved from http://www.hemingwayapp.com/
• Grammarly. Retrieved from https://www.grammarly.com/

[shur42]

Hi there! 

Is that a Personal History statement? Or Statement of Purpose? I guess it should be fine as a PH, but you shouldn't use this as an SOP, because it draws no connection between you, your academic background, and the grad school of your choice. 

Either way, I'd suggest you make the sentences a little simpler and check all your commas, since some of them look out of place. 

Hope this helps!

[sivakumaranandan]

Unless it is personal statement, i will strongly advise you to include anecdotal references from research experience, also generic and auxillary motivations for research in the field does not take you anywhere with research admits. Please include reference to the faculty and project of interest in their research group.