Declining an offer: Any tips?

[likeavirgil]

Hi everyone!

I had an unexpectedly lucky application season, which means that I'll need to turn down offers from programs I love and potential advisors whom I've developed a rapport with. Does anyone have advice about how to delicately decline an offer? Are there horror stories (or success stories!) about encountering former POIs at conferences, or spending time at a school that you declined during (eg) a candidacy/writing fellowship? Do people ever include POIs from a declined school as an external diss committee member?

Any help would be appreciated!

[fuzzylogician]

Short, professional, and to the point. No need to tell a long sob story of being torn between great choices. Thank them for their time and support, express a desire to stay in touch and meet again. There is also no reason why meeting at conferences should be awkward, unless you make it so. This is just a part of the process; everyone expects that some admitted students will have multiple offers and will turn some down. And yes, there is no reason why one of these people can't end up on your committee a few years from now, or you might spend a semester as a visiting student at one of these schools. 

[TakeruK]

Just to add to what fuzzy said, when you meet these people at future conferences, don't bring up the fact that you chose another school. Maybe they will mention it if they meet you but most likely, they are over it and you should be too  

[anactoria]

I second the above responses. This sort of situation is bound to come up, and no one should take it too personally. Thank them sincerely for their consideration, time, and/or advice as appropriate, don't apologise profusely, keep it professional. 

(I have heard stories about certain ego-tripping professors who stayed bitter towards people who declined their offers and would subtly bully them in their conference talks years on, but they are *way* in the minority and aren't your fault/problem to worry about anyway. [And also none of the prime offenders I'm aware of are at places you're considering q: ])

[hypsipyle]

Declining an offer can be a hard thing to do (I agonized for days over how to word these emails properly because I had had such good experiences on all of my visits), but I would echo what @fuzzylogician said. Some others may disagree with me here, but in addition to the DGS, if any particular faculty member really went out of their way to be in touch with you (particularly if it's someone with whom you'd like to have a working relationship at a later date), I don't think it hurts to send them a short, personal email as well, stating that you appreciated their help/support and that you hope that you will be able to keep in touch with them in the future.

Faculty blacklisting folks for declining offers is pretty rare, as @anactoria stated. I think something that tends to annoy faculty far more (certainly at my university) is when prospective students put the department in limbo & don't reject offers until after April 15 (which makes it very hard for the department to give that offer/slot to someone else). So, let that serve as a reminder to everyone to decline any other offers you might have (both to the DGS and officially to the university) as soon as you have accepted the offer at your university of choice!

[ciistai]

This advice is all great and also the same advice I was given last year when I was in the same position. I emailed a great program to turn down their offer and everyone was so lovely; I received multiple warm and effusive emails wishing me the best of luck, and some even passed very flattering words about me on to a former professor of mine from my alma mater whom I see frequently (who, of course, told me). They won't be upset and this is all part of the process for them as well as for applicants.