How to handle pressure to commit / Gut vs. Logic

[angst]

The POI at a school that offered me admission has been subtly/implicitly pressuring me to respond definitively to the offer, and, given the signals that I've been receiving,  I fear that the pressure will dial up in the next couple weeks. However, I have yet to hear back from most other programs I interviewed at--it's my only offer--so I don't even know yet what my other options may be. While I do feel that the program for which I have a pending offer--let's say Program A--would be a great opportunity on many levels, there is another program--Program B--that felt more like home to me, more like a place that really aligned with my sensibilities and personality. In a sense, it is that perennial conflict between my gut, which has been nagging me that I may be maximally fulfilled and animated by Program B, and logic/pragmatism, which concludes that on balance the benefits (e.g., fit with research interests, prestigious research lab, career flexibility afforded due to both strong research and rigorous clinical training) of Program A outweigh the costs (e.g., poorer fit with the vibe/surrounding environment/location, less interesting and diverse course offerings, diminished ability to engage with research outside the scope of my current interests). I should add that this comparison is complicated by the fact Program A is mentor-based whereas Program B is not. 

I'm having a pretty hard time trying to figure out what I value most--and I don't know how to assess whether that feeling of belonging/alignment will ultimately yield more for me than more pragmatic factors like number of publications or professional connections or whatever. It's obviously especially difficult when--and a bit ridiculous given--that I don't even know if I'm going to be offered admission to Program B, and haven't had the opportunity to flesh out that program fully.

Anyways, I've heard from people that, despite our right to wait till April 15th to respond, I could potentially impair the relationship with the POI from Program A if I withhold an answer for too long. Does anyone know if that's true or have any advice about how to handle this situation (or evaluate my different inclinations ha...)??      

[Rose1128]

I can't help you with the choice unfortunately since it's something that really is so personal, but in terms of accepting an offer they really aren't allowed to pressure you to accept before April 15th. As long as you are sticking to the guidelines of not holding more than 2 offers at any time (which it sounds like you are) then you're good. In my personal experience, when I had a School A offer but was still waiting to hear back from School B, I was open and transparent with School A that I was considering one other offer and was waiting to get all of the information so that I could make this very important choice. I of coursed stressed how much I was truly considering School A, not as a backup, but that I just simply couldn't make the decision without receiving information about funding etc from both schools. Hope this helps! I think most professors understand that you're making a HUGE life choice here, and if they aren't understanding/supportive of that, do you really want to work with them the next 5 years??

[almondicecream]

I think it depends on the school, quite often. In clinical, there is a norm in which it's highly frowned upon to hold onto more than one acceptance at any one time. However, in social, I think that norm is more lax. I know a few professors and several grad students at one of the top 10 social programs and they all think it's fairly normal to have two acceptances and to debate about those for 2-3 weeks before deciding. if you are still waiting for one of your on-site visits, then you should let your PI for program A know so they stop bothering you. You can always frame it as "these two programs are my top choices and I want to make sure I attend the program that will be most beneficial for my post-graduate outcomes."

Idk if anecdotal evidence helps, but for one of my programs, the PI said he doesn't care if I wait until March 15th to accept since that's usually when most people in social start accepting. For one of my other programs, I was accepted in early February and told them I would need to visit my first program in late February before deciding, and even then, I would need 1-2 weeks after the visit to make my decision because both are dream programs for me. My PI from the second program has just slightly hinted that I should try to make my decision soon, but still in a very warm manner. I think the reason he's pressuring me, though, is because he knows I'm completely done with interviewing/visiting since I've gotten into my top two choice programs and I really don't have much excuse to postpone decisions for a few more weeks.

Hope that helps! There is one potentially difficult situation in which you get accepted to your #3 program and waitlisted at your #1 program, and end up staying on the waitlist until April 15th. I honestly don't know what to do in this situation because it's not that great to tell #3 that you're waitlisted at your top choice, but you are happy to use them as a backup acceptance.

Edited February 28, 2017 by almondicecream

[angst]

1 hour ago, Rose1128 said:

I can't help you with the choice unfortunately since it's something that really is so personal, but in terms of accepting an offer they really aren't allowed to pressure you to accept before April 15th...I think most professors understand that you're making a HUGE life choice here, and if they aren't understanding/supportive of that, do you really want to work with them the next 5 years??

 

1 hour ago, almondicecream said:

If you are still waiting for one of your on-site visits, then you should let your PI for program A know so they stop bothering you. You can always frame it as "these two programs are my top choices and I want to make sure I attend the program that will be most beneficial for my post-graduate outcomes...

.....Idk if anecdotal evidence helps, but for one of my programs, the PI said he doesn't care if I wait until March 15th to accept since that's usually when most people in social start accepting. For one of my other programs, I was accepted in early February and told them I would need to visit my first program in late February before deciding, and even then, I would need 1-2 weeks after the visit to make my decision because both are dream programs for me. My PI from the second program has just slightly hinted that I should try to make my decision soon, but still in a very warm manner. I think the reason he's pressuring me, though, is because he knows I'm completely done with interviewing/visiting since I've gotten into my top two choice programs and I really don't have much excuse to postpone decisions for a few more weeks.

Thanks Rose1128 and almondicecream for the advice and input! Appreciate it. To respond to your analyses, I think part of the problem is that not only have I completely finished interviewing--and I now just have to wait for a few more decisions--but also the pending offer I have from that POI wound up coming with great funding (tuition remission plus stipend). So I don't really have a great argument for postponing my decision that doesn't make it sound like I'm simply not as interested as I could be in their program--or at least it feels that way to me. Unless I were to say that I'm waiting to hear if I'm offered a higher, more livable stipend elsewhere, I can only really say that I want to ensure that I'm definitely making the right choice and don't want to rush a decision of this magnitude--which is true. And which I agree is completely defensible and valid, but I worry that will be received poorly, i.e., the POI will think "if you aren't jumping at this great offer, we're clearly not your top choice." (Though I also agree that I'd want to work with someone who gets it...) And then I wonder if it's true that I could damage the relationship, and suffer from that strain, if I wind up enrolling...

Part of the issue is I received that offer weeks before I could have possibly heard back from anywhere else, which, while I'm grateful for that offer, hasn't given me the time/opportunity to hear other offers and speak more candidly with students at other programs, get a deeper understanding of other programs, etc. 

Edited February 28, 2017 by angst

[almondicecream]

1 hour ago, angst said:

 

Thanks Rose1128 and almondicecream for the advice and input! Appreciate it. To respond to your analyses, I think part of the problem is that not only have I completely finished interviewing--and I now just have to wait for a few more decisions--but also the pending offer I have from that POI wound up coming with great funding (tuition remission plus stipend). So I don't really have a great argument for postponing my decision that doesn't make it sound like I'm simply not as interested as I could be in their program--or at least it feels that way to me. Unless I were to say that I'm waiting to hear if I'm offered a higher, more livable stipend elsewhere, I can only really say that I want to ensure that I'm definitely making the right choice and don't want to rush a decision of this magnitude--which is true. And which I agree is completely defensible and valid, but I worry that will be received poorly, i.e., the POI will think "if you aren't jumping at this great offer, we're clearly not your top choice." (Though I also agree that I'd want to work with someone who gets it...) And then I wonder if it's true that I could damage the relationship, and suffer from that strain, if I wind up enrolling...

Part of the issue is I received that offer weeks before I could have possibly heard back from anywhere else, which, while I'm grateful for that offer, hasn't given me the time/opportunity to hear other offers and speak more candidly with students at other programs, get a deeper understanding of other programs, etc. 

*shrug* To be honest, I had 3 top choice programs that were equal to me, and I got accepted to two. I told both of them that both are dream programs for me and I needed a couple weeks to talk to several people to decide. How would you possibly know what your top choice is unless you've visited all your top choices? I know people who have visited a couple of the Ivy league social programs and absolutely hated it.

[angst]

16 hours ago, almondicecream said:

*shrug* To be honest, I had 3 top choice programs that were equal to me, and I got accepted to two. I told both of them that both are dream programs for me and I needed a couple weeks to talk to several people to decide. How would you possibly know what your top choice is unless you've visited all your top choices? I know people who have visited a couple of the Ivy league social programs and absolutely hated it.

Absolutely. I definitely need cover all those bases.