two-body problem

[dianina5]

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on this issue.

My husband and I are both applying to PhD programs in the same area (though luckily not in the same subfield). We applied to exactly the same schools and will only go if either the school takes both of us, or the two schools we are accepted to are in the same vicinity (although there are only two possibilities for this). Long-distance marriage is not something we are willing to do.

The problem is, when do we tell the graduate schools that?

One of my close professors advised me to say nothing until either of us get an acceptance letter. She says that this will allow the accepted person to bargain to try to get the other one in since the school has already shown interest. However, I see a problem with this method. Say a school has funding and space for 10 students and one happens to be me/husband. The other 9 spaces will be filled and the school wouldn't have the power to accommodate us even if it wanted to. We wouldn't have given them enough notice.

On the other hand, if we tell them during the interviews (ie: before admission), I worry that they won't take either of us just to avoid the headache. Why would an admissions committee want to worry about finding space for two students, one who might possibly not be a good fit for them, when they can get two others who don't have any restrictions? I don't want to shoot myself in the foot before I am even considered. Then again, giving them advance notice would allow them time to figure out how to accommodate us.

I'm hoping that we both just get in on our own merit and this wouldn't be a problem. However, we both come from a crappy school and have unimpressive research backgrounds compared to those of other students. I would imagine one of us getting in would be a joyous event. Two is probably pushing it. We didn't apply to any immensely prestigious schools for this reason, but we still need to tell them something at some point.

Any experience with this situation? I have seen that some people end up ending their relationships or doing the long-distance thing, but that is not an option for us. I figure in the worst case, we'll both go to our safety school to which we will almost surely be accepted since it's on the bottom of the rankings list. Neither of us really wants to go there, however.

[someDay]

It is generally accepted that 2-body problems should not be disclosed until one partner has been accepted.

sD.

[kahlan_amnell]

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on this issue.

My husband and I are both applying to PhD programs in the same area (though luckily not in the same subfield). We applied to exactly the same schools and will only go if either the school takes both of us, or the two schools we are accepted to are in the same vicinity (although there are only two possibilities for this). Long-distance marriage is not something we are willing to do.

The problem is, when do we tell the graduate schools that?

One of my close professors advised me to say nothing until either of us get an acceptance letter. She says that this will allow the accepted person to bargain to try to get the other one in since the school has already shown interest. However, I see a problem with this method. Say a school has funding and space for 10 students and one happens to be me/husband. The other 9 spaces will be filled and the school wouldn't have the power to accommodate us even if it wanted to. We wouldn't have given them enough notice.

On the other hand, if we tell them during the interviews (ie: before admission), I worry that they won't take either of us just to avoid the headache. Why would an admissions committee want to worry about finding space for two students, one who might possibly not be a good fit for them, when they can get two others who don't have any restrictions? I don't want to shoot myself in the foot before I am even considered. Then again, giving them advance notice would allow them time to figure out how to accommodate us.

I'm hoping that we both just get in on our own merit and this wouldn't be a problem. However, we both come from a crappy school and have unimpressive research backgrounds compared to those of other students. I would imagine one of us getting in would be a joyous event. Two is probably pushing it. We didn't apply to any immensely prestigious schools for this reason, but we still need to tell them something at some point.

Any experience with this situation? I have seen that some people end up ending their relationships or doing the long-distance thing, but that is not an option for us. I figure in the worst case, we'll both go to our safety school to which we will almost surely be accepted since it's on the bottom of the rankings list. Neither of us really wants to go there, however.

If the only way that you will go to grad school is if both of you are accepted at the same school or schools near each other, be prepared to go through the admissions process more than once. Being in the same field will make it more difficult, since you might still be competing with each other even though you are not in the same sub-field.

There is no such thing as a safety school in graduate admissions. The school you mention may not be highly ranked, but are are both of your research interests a good fit for that department? If not, you could still easily be rejected. Even if you are a good fit, if you let your lack of enthusiasm about the school show in your applications, you might not be accepted. Even if you are a good fit, and seemed enthusiastic, graduate admissions depend on so many factors, many of which are beyond the applicant's control, that you can be rejected from anywhere. People regularly are rejected by schools they thought were safe, and accepted by schools they thought were reaches.

Really, I'm not trying to depress you. Just give you a realistic picture of your chances. Ultimately you'll have to decide what is important to you. If you aren't willing to do a long distance marriage, are you willing to keep applying until you get a location match?

As for when to mention it, I agree that not mentioning it until you have an acceptance is a good idea. Perhaps it would ok to mention at an interview if you think you have a good chance of acceptance, but you are right that it could possibly hurt your chances.

I'm dealing with the two body problem myself as I am engaged to someone who is also in academia, and we live in different states right now. We aren't getting married until we know we can live together because we don't want to do a long distance marriage. We've moved apart from each other, sometimes on opposite sides of the country, when we needed to for academics because we believe that getting our education finished is a priority.

Anyway, good luck, I hope you find someplace that works for both of you. I hope I did not offend you, I really was not trying to be harsh.

[strokeofmidnight]

I'd also recommend not telling the program(s) until at least one of you have an offer. I know that you didn't bring this up, but would it be possible for one of you to accept (what I assume would be the best offer), and for the other to reapply in a different year if he/she isn't satisfied with the offer? Even if you don't have bargaining power, it might be easier to get your partner into your program (or vice versa) if he/she has a foot in the door. It will take a bit longer and can be rather risky, but might be an good option if you can't both land in the same program (or nearby ones). It might also help to avoid asking one of you to go to program that isn't well-suited.

My partner and I also have (or rather, had) a two-body issue. We're in the same field, but different subfields. We were able to circumvent it mostly by applying in separate years, and re-orienting our options each time...and making some tough choices. He graduated college before I did, and applied twice before I submitted a single application. He landed in an MA program on the second try and I moved with him while he completed the MA. While he was in the MA, I applied to PhD programs. Although I ended up on the other side of the country, by the time my PhD had started, he had completed his MA and could move with me.

The next year, both of us re-applied at the same time (I as a transfer student). Although we applied to several of the same schools, and aimed for larger metropolitan regions, my only offer and his best offer (by far) were on opposite coasts. Since he got into his dream school and I was still somewhat undecided about my field, I turned down my offer *sobs* to (1) stay on the same coast and (2) try again the next year (aka, this year). It's not entirely an altruistic decision: his school (and two others nearby) as among the best for my subfield as well, and I suspected that I would be a stronger candidate with another year's worth of graduate study under my belt.

Good luck. I know how difficult and frustrating this situation can be.

[dianina5]

I guess everyone thinks waiting to get acceptances is the best choice then. I know what you mean about it being tough and completely respect your decisions with your fiance, kahlan_amnell. I had a long distance relationship with my husband (boyfriend at that point) back in undergrad and really didn't like the experience. We both decided that it's not the best option for us at this point in our lives. I also know what you mean about safety schools, but we purposely applied to *really* crappy ones. I'd be surprised if I didn't get accepted because I am a woman applying to a science field with a really good gpa, 2 related bachelor's degrees, and a very high math score on the GRE. My only disadvantages are lack of research experience (I have a ton of teaching experience, though) and the fact that my undergraduate institution could have been better. These credentials should get me into schools ranked 200 on the list, though. Sigh. Not much hope for the better ones, though.

strokeofmidnight, that's a good point. I didn't think of waiting a year to reapply. Might I ask how you guys are surviving, money-wise? Are you working while he's in school?

Just an update: I got acceptances to two schools today. They were two safety schools (very poorly ranked), so I was expecting to get in. My husband didn't hear from them yet. I'm also going to two interviews in the coming week and managed to get his name on their radar, so he got invited to get interviewed too. One of those schools is pretty good, so interviews there are already a good sign. He had a phone interview with a professor who was ready to give him an offer. I, on the other hand, am terrible at interviews, so I'm pretty nervous. I'm sitting here studying the professors and learning their names and faces. I want this whole thing to be over.

good luck to both of you! Thanks for your advice.

[strokeofmidnight]

strokeofmidnight, that's a good point. I didn't think of waiting a year to reapply. Might I ask how you guys are surviving, money-wise? Are you working while he's in school?

Just an update: I got acceptances to two schools today. They were two safety schools (very poorly ranked), so I was expecting to get in. My husband didn't hear from them yet. I'm also going to two interviews in the coming week and managed to get his name on their radar, so he got invited to get interviewed too. One of those schools is pretty good, so interviews there are already a good sign. He had a phone interview with a professor who was ready to give him an offer. I, on the other hand, am terrible at interviews, so I'm pretty nervous. I'm sitting here studying the professors and learning their names and faces. I want this whole thing to be over.

good luck to both of you! Thanks for your advice.

Congrats! They may be safeties, but an acceptance is an acceptance. And good luck with the interviews. I really hope that this works out for both of you and our advice becomes moot.

To address your question, while he was in his MA program, I worked. (My job had flexible--if undependable--hours and was quite mobile). Right now, he's in his first year of the PhD and I'm applying as a transfer student. The combined stipends from our programs is sufficient. However, if you and your partner do end up applying/reapplying in different years, it might be best to try for a job in the area...though that's obviously easier said than done.

[bgav]

My boyfriend and I were also in this situation. We decided not to disclose this info to schools until we had both been admitted. Luckily, it all seems to have worked out.

[kahlan_amnell]

I guess everyone thinks waiting to get acceptances is the best choice then. I know what you mean about it being tough and completely respect your decisions with your fiance, kahlan_amnell. I had a long distance relationship with my husband (boyfriend at that point) back in undergrad and really didn't like the experience. We both decided that it's not the best option for us at this point in our lives. I also know what you mean about safety schools, but we purposely applied to *really* crappy ones. I'd be surprised if I didn't get accepted because I am a woman applying to a science field with a really good gpa, 2 related bachelor's degrees, and a very high math score on the GRE. My only disadvantages are lack of research experience (I have a ton of teaching experience, though) and the fact that my undergraduate institution could have been better. These credentials should get me into schools ranked 200 on the list, though. Sigh. Not much hope for the better ones, though.

strokeofmidnight, that's a good point. I didn't think of waiting a year to reapply. Might I ask how you guys are surviving, money-wise? Are you working while he's in school?

Just an update: I got acceptances to two schools today. They were two safety schools (very poorly ranked), so I was expecting to get in. My husband didn't hear from them yet. I'm also going to two interviews in the coming week and managed to get his name on their radar, so he got invited to get interviewed too. One of those schools is pretty good, so interviews there are already a good sign. He had a phone interview with a professor who was ready to give him an offer. I, on the other hand, am terrible at interviews, so I'm pretty nervous. I'm sitting here studying the professors and learning their names and faces. I want this whole thing to be over.

good luck to both of you! Thanks for your advice.

Thanks for your response. I do understand that long distance relationships aren't something everyone is willing to do. I respect your decision not to be involved in one, and I imagine a long distance marriage would be more difficult than a long distance relationship before marriage.

I do see what you mean about safety schools. It is a little different in the sciences than in my field, History.

Congratulations on the acceptances, and I hope your husband hears some good news soon too!