GRE Issue essay (my first attempt)

[Floyd Wilkinson]

Hello there! It's my first try in GRE essay. I've tried to make the conditions as on the real exam - 30 mins timer, no dictionaries etc. Please, help me inrpove my writing skills. Thanks in advance

 

Topic:

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.

Answer:

Arts can be compared with an eagle flying high in the sky. One can look at it, adore it, but if you try to catch and captive that proud bird for your own entertainment, prepare for being injured by its sharp claws. Or, on the other hand, one’s doings may turn that beautiful and majestic creature to a plain little bird.

I do not welcome government funding of the arts. Unfortunately, the governments of numerous countries don’t disdain to use their political resourses in order to make Ministries of Culture develop and produce more and more a kind of “customized” art production with a straight and obvious touch of feigned patriotism. In such conditions we can observe the alteration of arts from something beautiful and amazing, inspiring and carrying inspiration, into forceful and mighty propaganda tool, which strongly affects immature minds. Without act of creation, without that spark, which a creator puts into his opus in hope of conveying his thoughts and striking a chord in the hearts of his spectators to make them a bit better, than yesterday, «arts» becomes an assembly line for hollow, blank, stupefying ersatzes. One generation, raised on such king of “arts”, is enough for losing the ability to create the beautiful and to descry the beautiful around us.

[AP]

Your first paragraph is not discussing the topic. The topic is state funding for the arts and your first paragraph can be understood as 'enclosing' the arts for private entertaining. In addition, when discussing a policy, GRE requires you also discuss possible consequences of your view (you timidly touched on it with the propaganda claim, but for the opposite view than yours). Further, remember this is a logical explanation. Your last two sentences are very emotional. I understand what you are saying, but that's not the point. Finally, you are wasting space you could use to strengthen your position by using unnecessary wording. For example, line 6, "Min of Cult develop and produce more and more a kind of 'customized' art production with a straight and obvious touch of feigned patriotism" can easily be: "Min of Cult have increasingly developed customized art tainted with feigned patriotism".