Please, review my essay

[joecamp]

Hello everybody! Below is my essay, which I wrote yesterday, but I'm not sure if it is grammatically correct. Please, help me with it

A human is an idiosyncratic type of organism. It spends billions on space exploration to interpret the universe but it seldom looks closer at home to explore itself. Who are you? These three words were an outcry to my ears as my brain refused to allow passage through its grey walls where the realisation was hidden. I didn't understand my role as an individual or my ultimate destination. Drops of uncertainty riddled my every decision, "Doctor or Engineer", "IIT or Stanford", "Computer Science or Astrophysics". This tug-of-war on my soul left me weary and forced me into a hollow shell of low self esteem.

  Regardless, I always accepted I was intelligent, not some Albert Einstein, but satisfactorily above average. Despite my realisation of this fact I never acquired the self confidence that I could excel. There were constantly people around me that were superior in intellect, a Physics gold medalist or a Mathematics prodigy. My selection in IIT Delhi, after cracking the IIT-JEE exam, compelled me to believe for the first time that maybe, just maybe, I could compete with and be a part of the so-called Cream of the nation.

  I entered college on a high and resolutely motivated to make the most of my time there. As a result, the first point on my agenda was to participate in every activity I could secure my grasp on. I felt this was an approach to define myself in a brand new crowd. Consequently, I studied, I swam, I danced, I jammed with the band, I built robots, I supervised college events and a numerous other undertakings that I lost count. The venture was draining, mentally and physically, and it obliged me to knock off a few hours of sleep to tailor everything in. In the short duration I did manage to sleep, my brain was constantly programming itself with a never give up attitude which motivated me to grind more relentlessly the next day.

  Now who says hard work doesn't pay its dividends? By the culmination of the first year I learned how to schedule time paralleled to a pro along with maintaining a meritorious grade point average, fortified by  the multitude of extracurriculars under my belt. I didn't just amalgamate with the tag of being an IITian, I fought to try to create a space of my own where I could shine and give that tag justification. This change was an arduous but gradual process that gave my body the time to transform into a levelheaded human being and imbibe new attributes such as leadership and political sense. I gained the skill of perseverance towards my endeavors, as well as the ambition to achieve what I had earlier rebutted as impossible. So, in conclusion, who am I? I am a jubilant, self-assured young man who is ready to advance the world and fabricate the future of tomorrow.

Sources:

Website:  5 Reasons Why IIT Madras May Be Better Than Stanford

Website: What Is It Like to Attend IIT?, Forbes

Website: Human. Who are you?, ultius.pro

[AdmissionsTrack]

Hello,

You have to ask yourself, what is the main goal of your SOP? After reading this SOP, there was nothing in this that would have made me put your application into the admit pile. There is absolutely no goal or game-plan articulated here. Worst of all, you start the SOP off with uncertainty, lack of confidence and with a muddled voice. SOP must always be strong, ALWAYS. Talk a little bit about your background and how you came to the point in your life where you are now. A great SOP should fully articulate why you need this program at this point in your life. Furthermore, its should fully flush out how this program will help you achieve your future goals. Anything else that is added, is really not needed. The reader needs to connect to your essay and feel an overwhelming sense of ....yes...this applicant really could use the resources of my program to help him/her cross over to where they want to be. - Admissions Track