Elizabeth Reed

I agree with previous posts that every experience changes you. Sitting around doing nothing changes you (trust me, I know from my days as an undergrad!) I think it's natural to feel, at various stages, that you've "settled in" to who you are, but it's always an illusory feeling. I suppose that, at any given age, some aspects of the self are here to stay, but others are surely transient (and even the "here to stay" parts may shift in subtle ways down the road). Realizing that my future self will be different has been tremendously helpful for me - it has made me far less arrogant about my beliefs, attitudes, etc. Now (at 29), I look back at my early-twenties self and shake my head about this or that, thinking "how silly I was then!" Of course, I've always done that - when I was in my early twenties, I thought "how silly I was at 18!" The difference now is an understanding that my future self (or selves) will look back at the 29-year-old-me and, most likely, have that very same thought. This knowledge helps me guard against a sense of self-satisfaction or smugness, especially because I used to fancy myself far more knowing than people who hold certain beliefs, which, whaddya know, I have come to hold. It also helps me keep a more open mind about perspectives different from my own, which is very useful for learning and growing! I think there's an old saying that sums it up pretty well; it's something like, "the older I get, the less I know, and the more wise I become." Makes sense to me, when I was younger I knew *everything* and was very unwise. I'm not sure exactly how my program is changing me, but I have no doubt that it is. I guess the biggest change so far (first year) is a better understanding of the fact that every decision in life involves a trade-off. Time and energy are zero-sum, so you really can't do it all. What I'm trying to figure out now is what sort of balance I want in life...if only I could consult the 50 year old me, I'm sure she'd know what choices I should make!

Games for actors and non-actors, and....discussions of oppression. I'm confused.... I'd say drop the boring, easy class and go for the exciting challenging one! I should probably add that I almost always choose the risky, ambitious course of action in any situation. This approach often works out well for me and is almost always rewarding, but it has also gotten me into trouble a few times! (Although I find that most things end up working out somehow in the long run. I can't tell you how many times I've had the equivalent of academic probation happen to me only to look back months/years/a decade later and realize that what seemed like a major setback was actually something that set me on a different path that I'm glad to be on). If you're still struggling with the decision, remember this ancient wisdom: when in danger when in doubt run in circles scream and shout!

Oops, one more thing I forgot to mention... In terms of hearing him out about the commitment thing: I think it would be totally appropriate and OK for you to be straightforward and direct with him about the fact that your enthusiasm hasn't been at 100%. I wouldn't say, "I don't seem committed because I'm not very enthusiastic about the project since it's not at all like what you said I could work on with you." But I might say something like, "Your comment gave me pause, and I realized after assessing my level of enthusiasm that I actually haven't felt very invested in this particular project" followed by either "I've been thinking about your paper on Topic X in Journal Y, and I am very interested in the question of how Z relates to X; do you think it would be possible for me to focus on a project around that?" or (only if it's a least kinda true!) "I've been thinking about the project more since I had that realization, and now I'm looking at it as an opportunity to learn more about Method P, which will help me in the future because I can apply it to Topic Q."

I agree with what I take to be the general message of previous comments: the most important thing is that you handle this professionally. I don't think you need to make a decision about switching just yet. You can try following up with him, see how it goes, and continue mulling over the options during your attempt to establish a better working relationship with him. Then reevaluate your options after you see how that goes. Here's my advice, FWIW: start by emailing your advisor to request a meeting. This email is an opportunity to shape his perception of you, so I would use it as such. Don't convey any shock, hurt feelings, etc. Instead, say something along the lines of (1) you appreciated the candor of his remark about your commitment, and (2) you would appreciate the opportunity to discuss this further. With respect to (2) try to be neither defensive nor self-deprecating -- you don't have to give any indication of whether you think his perception is correct or not -- instead frame your interest in learning more as one motivated by an eagerness to grow and learn (in other words, you want to discuss this because you're *always* looking for ways to improve and you take criticism as a valuable learning opportunity). I don't think it matters that much exactly what you say in your email as long as you maintain a professional tone. Remember, academia is a harsh place and thick skin is required to survive in it! If he blows you off (doesn't reply, gives you 5 minutes in between his other commitments, etc.) you will have gathered more data about his willingness to invest some of his time in working with you, and you will have demonstrated an adroit response to criticism. If he doesn't blow you off, then carry the same professional demeanor into your meeting with him. I would try to hear him out, keep your composure even if what he says feels harsh, and avoid any defensiveness. You're not likely to change his mind by pointing out that he's wrong (even if he is), so your best bet is to try to impress him with how you receive the criticism - maturely (you nod and say "I see what you're saying" or "I understand how it could seem that way" etc etc) not dramatically (displaying anger, hurt feelings, crushing disappointment, etc). In terms of your feeling misled...since he sounds like the I'm-such-a-big-shot-I-can't-be-bothered type, I doubt you'll get far by voicing that complaint. I'd say either find a way to get the most out of whatever projects you actually can work on with him, or switch advisors. If there's no way you can work up some more enthusiasm for anything other than a project he's not going to give you, then I don't see how you're going to get along with him. It does sound like he might be a Mr. Important type, but even if he's a pompous jerk there's still something to be said for looking at things from his perspective. He most likely IS very busy and really does have overwhelming demands on his time. He doesn't want to deal with students who aren't self-motivated, taking initiative, showing enthusiasm, putting in a lot of time and effort, and so on. If he senses that you aren't into the work you're doing with him, he probably finds that irritating or at least a reason to be dismissive. Even nice, generous-with-time profs often have that sort of reaction. OK that's way more rambling than I intended. Whatever you decide to do, hope it works out for you and best of luck!