Hi, so here are my initial reactions. Obviously this is all highly subjective, so feel totally free to ignore all of this if you prefer!
In general, I think you've got a nicely written good start, but I would suggest really focus on building out your argument for why you are a good fit for the program. One very helpful technique which I would recommend to you is reverse outlining, are you familiar with it? I think its really useful, especially for things like admissions essays, where everything has to be super tight and focus. Basically, the idea is to go back through each paragraph, and then write down in a few words or a sentence what point you are trying to make at each section. Then you can go back into the essay and make sure all of those points are super clear and eliminate anything that is extraneous to those points.
So, approaching it from this perspective, (ie, trying to to see what points you are trying to make at each section), my initial thought is that I would bring the final two paragraphs up to beginning of the essay. These paragraphs are about your interests and what you plan to do in the program, so they seem to me to be the meat of your argument about why they should accept you. I would really work on highlighting and expanding this, because that's really what makes you special and a good fit for the program. Frankly, almost everyone can tell a story about a teacher who inspired them in high school, but not everyone can articulate why their interests would line up with this program and what they plan to do with it in the future. However, that is just my initial opinion. You need to focus on building the argument that's right for you.
However you choose to do it, I would recommend that you sit down and think about the argument that you are trying to make, and then edit accordingly=)
Hope this is helpful to you, its certainly been more fun than working on my own essay!