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Hi St Andrews Lynx, I can see how my phrasing with stating I wanted to make my advisor treat me better sounds petty- and I would definitely not plan on that wording if I did actually go to the department head. I see your point about research being important and I agree, but if I get kicked out of grad school because my grades fall too far, I wouldn't be doing *any* research. This advisor has a history of driving students nuts (yes, more so than other advisors) so this is not just a case of authority issues. She has bullied me and luckily I have witnesses to the most recent incident: she put her hands around my neck in front of my field technicians. (that was the second time it happened but the first time I had witnesses.) She's also said that if she hasn't made her grad students hate her, she isn't doing her job right. So I would love to smooth out the relationship myself, and I've tried all the approaches I can think of, but I honestly don't know HOW with someone like that- and that's why I need advice.

Hi everyone, I've been having some ongoing issues with my advisor, and I'm thinking of talking to my department head about it because it's getting very difficult to endure- besides making grad school even harder than it's already supposed to be, the stress has been giving me health problems, and interfering with my grades (my advisor has told me she doesn't care about classes, and gives me such a ridiculous amount of research-related stuff to do I have almost no time to devote to coursework). She's completely dismissive of anything I've ever tried to get her to compromise on, so I don't know how to talk to her anymore. On the other hand, if I tried to improve my situation via the department head, I might bring about some changes, but I'd probably have a sulky, wrathful advisor who might just find new ways to lash out at me. My question is, does anyone have advice for how to handle getting the department head involved without totally infuriating my advisor? Even if speaking with the department head improves my advisor's treatment of me, I'm afraid it's only going to damage her actual opinion of me, and she's the kind of person that may even give me a bad recommendation out of spite. I was thinking of talking to the department head confidentially first for suggestions on how to deal with my advisor (listening to reason is not her strong suit) and if that didn't work, actually get her involved as a medium. Any help would be really wonderful- I'm totally lost here. Thank you!

Hi everyone, I've been having some problems getting along with my advisor. I've wanted to be in grad school for years but now that I am finally in it she's making it a living hell. She is bad at communication (constantly changes things she says, and always assumes I am the one remembering things wrong even if I can provide evidence otherwise), insulting and condescending towards me (in front of other people), and has some pretty ridiculous work expectations. I came into grad school expecting to work hard, but for example, she made me move into new housing, finish getting all my field work equipment, and start managing new employees and switch gears from class to field work ONE DAY after my finals. I had no idea she expected that until the last minute, and ended up staying up all night (and driving a university vehicle on no sleep and nodding off at the wheel a couple of times) in order to do this. When I tried to stand up for myself and tell her I needed one day to organize all this between finals and starting my research out in the field, she threatened to fire me. It's like this whenever I ask her for anything, and I'm starting to get seriously depressed and definitely burnt out from constantly getting the message that any needs I have for any time off or a personal life (she just told me I had to work while my long-distance boyfriend is visiting over the weekend, even though I still have not gotten a day off since finals and that was over 2 weeks ago) don't matter. I'm only asking for *one day* here and there to catch my breath. I don't know what to do because I'm only interested in one specific area of research for graduate school, she and only 1 other person deal with that field at the university and I've heard that the other professor is just as bad as she is, and I am already into my first data collection season. I don't want to give up what I've worked so hard towards, but I don't know how much longer I can take this treatment. Am I being melodramatic? Is this kind of stuff normal? Thanks.

I totally get the feeling of being overwhelmed. My mental health has been suffering a lot because of the stress of an unrealistic workload (thanks to my advisor, who seems to keep forgetting that in addition to writing my proposal I am also taking classes) and every time I mention to my family how grueling it is working all the time (and I don't say that as the usual cliche phrase, I mean it very literally) I get some variation of the response "Well, you wanted to be in grad school"- with the unspoken but clear implication "so suck it up and quit whining". And I agree that it is strange that it's taking so long for the psychiatrist's office to get back to you, that is ridiculous. It definitely sounds like medication would help you but I also think you should keep going to counseling. Also, WTF on your advisor? She sounds awful and though I haven't been in grad school long, I know that isn't typical and you shouldn't have to deal with that. I don't know how it works in your program but I know someone in mine who just switched advisors. And last but not least, quit the program if things don't improve! It sounds like, like you said, you just got really unlucky with the situation you're in. It's not your fault you got stuck in the Auschwitz of grad school, and trying to stay in a program (or with an advisor) like that is for the sake of sticking it out is just not worth losing your mental health over.

Thank you again, I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of all your replies. The concept of cost-investment is alluring but terrifying- it's a tradeoff between making my life easier and the anguish of agonizing over what I should have/could have/would have done to get a better grade, give a better presentation, whatever. Anyway... I knew I had perfectionist tendencies, but I thought it was helping me by motivating me to have better organizational skills and work harder- now from hearing your experiences I can see that I had it backwards. danieleWrites, I am seeing a counselor and this will be a topic of discussion...

Thank you everyone, this helps. I'm very much a perfectionist- even had a professor call me out on it last semester- so that kind of screws me over! I know theoretically that my research is the more important part of grad school compared to classes, but after so many years of grades being the bottom line it's difficult to shift my priorities, like TakeruK said. Also don't know of a good way to ask my advisor how much I'm allowed to slack on classes : )

Hi everyone, I'm a 2nd semester master's student. My first semester was rough because I'd been out of school for a few years and it was such an adjustment to get back into an academic environment. Other grad students in my department told me that the second semester would get easier... lies, I've already got as much work as I did in the middle of the 1st semester and this one has barely even started! I really don't think it's a time management issue. I make lists of what I need to do and try to give myself a certain amount to do each day so I can make things less overwhelming. I don't procrastinate- I used to be bad about that, but now I just know I can't afford to. Pretty much the only breaks I take are for meals and hygiene activities (gee, this is starting to sound like prison...), and I try to go out with friends at least once a week so I'm not a complete workaholic robot. (as an aside, my boyfriend is visiting me right now- we're in an LDR- and it sucks because I haven't been able to get ahead in my work enough to be able to set time aside to spend with him.) The thing that bothers me is that other people in my department seem to have a lot more free time- I know a lot of them who go out during the week and almost every night of the weekends, while I can barely scrape together any time to go out once during the whole week (they are further along in the program than me,and I know some of them have less to do than me, but it still makes me feel pretty miserable knowing that I'm the only one slaving away so much). So I'm wondering, is it just me who's struggling so much to keep afloat? Or is that the norm for others on here, too?