Lauren the Librarian

I have different types of combat, leadership, and electronic equipment technical training. I've had advanced technique driver's training. I was certified as an aircraft loadplanner (knowing how much of what can be put where on a plane so that the plane is stable and won't crash). I've separated my civilian education from my military experience so it's not muddled on the CV, and I streamlined it so it's just the highlights from the past decade or so. However, I shouldn't ignore the stuff I did in the military because 1) it's belongs on a CV - a record of the minutia of my learning and experience and 2) it made up a huge portion of my life.

Wow. You all sound like you're taking a lot! I took the bare minimum to graduate. All upper division: Intro to Meteorology (4) Earth System Science (4) Historical-Comparative Linguistics (4) Internship in Geography (2) (working at the map laboratory at my school 6 hours per week)

I totally feel you on this one. I have advanced knowledge of a few foreign languages, plus others where I have the equivalent of 2 years of college level training. But I'm really rusty on some of them and I feel awkward saying I studied them even though I couldn't order a bowl of soup now if my life depended on it. I also have years of odd-ball technical training, some of which doesn't apply to my current goals. Some my documented courses and training also seem to conflict (how can I be doing activity x if I'm also doing activity y.) I can't do many of those activities now and I don't claim current certifications, but it would also be wrong for me not to mention them because I did earn them, I was kick-butt, and I do have those experiences. When I read my CV, I come across as this secret-agent MacGyver with mad skillz. When really, I'm just a girl, infront of my computer, trying to write a CV and SoP that will get me into grad school.

I wouldn't send a mixed message or mention any of that bad stuff. I think "explaining low grades" is more about a semester or year where your grades were very low. Even as recent as last year during undergrad, I got a couple D's and C's. From what I read on the web I thought I had to explain them in my SoP. But every version I wrote (from a whole paragraph down to one sentence explanation) people kept telling me to chuck it because it didn't flow with all the good stuff I was saying. It was too jarring and hurt my "selling myself" to the committee. Life happens sometimes, and bad grades result. Most academics will understand this. Only mention low grades if they dominated your record and are recent. Otherwise, look forward. Spending time on stuff from 18 years ago will tell the committee that you haven't moved on.

Your sentence reminds me a lot of my first draft sentences in terms of wordiness and structure (too much and too confusing). I advise you to take out as many adjectives and adverbs as you can because they muddle the content and clarity. For this opening sentence, I recommend, "My passion for understanding fundamental physical phenomena and using that understanding to design useful devices has influenced my decision to earn a PhD in electrical engineering." You could even go further, "Understanding the fundamentals of physical phenomena and designing the practical devices born of that understanding drew me toward a PhD in electrical engineering." I'm sure with some word play you could get it even tighter. I wouldn't worry too much about words right now though. Make sure it's logical and the content is what you want. Then go back with an ax and hack it to pieces. Good luck!

Thanks for the advice! It got me motivated and gave me some ideas how to fix my problem. I decided to submit it as-is because the stress is just too much at this point. However, I then ordered a pizza, turned the music up real loud and soon discovered creativity comes easier for me when I'm not stressed. I have reworked 6 sentences. I really like the revision of the opening sentences for my intro and conclusion. The other ones I'm not so sure about. Opening sentence: Original: I am applying for the Master’s degree in x Studies program in order to begin a guided examination of the causes of xyz. Revised: For me, the Master's degree in the x Studies program is the beginning of a guided examination of the causes of xyz. Background info: Original: I was a little disappointed when I learned xyz. Revised: Learning xyz was disappointing. Fit paragraph: Original: I would also like to utilize my undergraduate training in xyz in deconstructing zyx. Revised: My undergraduate training in xyz will ease in deconstructing zyx. Original: I wish to pursue study of xyz. Revised: Related interests of mine include study of xyz. Original: I wish to work with faculty members such as X, Y, and Z while integrating xyz. Revised: Receiving guidance from faculty members such as X, Y, and Z will be welcomed involvement while integrating xyz. First sentence of conclusion: Original: I was attracted to [the School] for graduate study because of xyz. Revised: xyz is what attracted me to [the School] for graduate study. I'm fairly confident that my statement would read better if I made the changes to the intro and conclusion. Any opinions? Thanks again, you guys have been helpful!

I've been reading every available website about how to do that. The trouble is that isn't exactly my problem. I've been a quick study with introductory phrases and clauses (but sometimes the subject gets lost being so far away) and I can do compound sentences (two independent clauses become one long sentence). I guess where the real trouble comes in is that 80% of my independent clauses, I am the subject. Me. "I". And it gets boring. It's a personal statement, yes. I've been looking at changing some of my sentences in to the passive so the subject doesn't have to be me. From "I find it interesting" to "It is interesting." I've been rethinking how to frame the actions, too, from "I hope I can learn about xyz" to "The program will teach me about xyz." And I totally agree about taking it one or two sentences at a time. I probably only need to change 5 or 6 to make it less monotonous. (There are 771 words in the "final" draft). But for every change I make, I will have to have it read by someone else because 1)I am so disconnected from my words I don't even understand the thing anymore and 2)I have no idea what would be correct anyway. Based on what I have written now, it's a really strong SoP and everyone thinks I have a really good chance of getting in. But's it not the A+ I want. I'm thinking that to "take the pressure off" I should just submit the thing, and then rework it over the next few weeks and have a different writing tutor evaluate it since it'll be a virgin viewing for them and they can tell me what they think. That way I'm not cheating myself as a writer, but I'm not over reaching on the SoP.

Background information: I have HUGE deficiencies in my writing. Due to a combination of my writing weaknesses and financial struggles, I avoided many, many papers in college by simply taking a zero and getting a C in the class. All this is finally biting me in the butt. I got my SoP reviewed by a writing tutor, the career center, a professional writer, a friend that has a degree in writing, and two educated friends (who wrote a lot in college). They all agree my SoP is logical, clear, specific, and interesting/fascinating. They give it an A- because although it is good, the sentence structure is repetitive and boring, i.e."I did this. I did that. I hope to work with Professor XX. I want this. I will do that." The deadline is 4 days away. They are telling me to submit it as is. I am torn because on one hand, I'm probably not a strong enough writer to rework all those sentences in four days. But on the other hand, it just kills me to not try. I still care about the statement, but I feel totally disconnected from my own words. It is a competitive program that accepts less than 1 in 4 applicants. My GRE is above average(compared to admitted applicants for the program), my GPA slightly below average. LoR's are iffy(good recommendations from people that don't know me very well). I have decided that if I don't get in, I'll apply again next year. On the plus side, this experience has been so great because it's really the first time I've ever wrote and revised anything I cared about. I've identified my many weaknesses as a writer that I can work to improve upon. So, when is it okay to just "walk away" from the SoP?