Hellohello4

I made it into my dream program, at one of the top universities in the world. I should be grateful, and, well, I AM grateful, but I also feel completely and hopelessly lost here. This is an interdisciplinary program, and I came from a strictly English lit background which (I'm coming to realize) was extraordinarily light on theory. I mainly dealt with feminist theory, queer theory, and critical race theory, but they always seemed second nature to me and theory was never a lens I consciously applied to anything I studied. That's how out of touch with theory I am, not to mention all the sociology and psychology and media/film studies stuff we're covering. The (lovely) people in my cohort effortlessly talk about Foucault like he's their BFF, and I have to stifle a panic attack. We're only a couple weeks in, but it's been two years since I got my BA, and the best way I can describe how I feel is "out of practice" or "out of shape." Everyone in my cohort understands and communicates complicated ideas so deftly, while I struggle to put two words together. I used to have ideas and observations out the wazoo, to the point where I actively had to contain myself in class to avoid becoming one of those obnoxious jerks that completely monopolizes class discussion. Now I dread (and am often incapable of) having to come up with something, anything to say in lecture so the professor will see me as participating. I totally get that there's such a thing as imposter syndrome, and I have had that for a long time, even back in undergrad. But this seems bigger than that. I keep waiting for everything to click, for me to remember why I'm here, and it's been slow going. Will this go away? I am dedicated and determined, even if I'm no longer passionate and confident, and hope that it's just a matter of adjustment and building up those parts of my brain that atrophied during my 2 year hiatus doing jack sh*t all day. Has anyone else experienced this? Have you got any advice in the meantime? I know I'm not dumb, and that they accepted me for a reason... I just hope to god I figure out what that reason is soon!

There are easily four professors at this particular school with whom I could happily work with. Their research interests are all very close to mine, and I'm afraid of narrowing it down and excluding the wrong person (say, someone who ends up on the admissions committee, or the person who would be most interested working with me.) If I can say something intelligent about the work of each professor and effectively tie it back to my own interests, is four too many to name? Should I directly mention works by two, and then address the other two a little more broadly, or would that also be insulting?

Under the recommendation of a professor at X university, I'm applying to both its English and interdisciplinary/cultural studies programs. However, I'm not quite sure how to alter my SoP for the latter. My goal is to teach English at a university level, though my research also involves digital media and online game communities. It's possible that both applications will be read by the same person/people, so I'm concerned about re-framing my interests to suit both programs. I've done what I think is a great job of explaining how my particular project/interests belong in an English department, and while I think I can walk the English back a bit, I'm concerned that any disparate info in my SoP will make me look unfocused or undecided. I would ask the professor himself but, as great a resource as he's been (he's the one who encouraged me to go to graduate school), he hasn't been responding to any of my emails lately... also, we're getting close to the application deadline, and I'm afraid that the fact that this problem only recently occurred to me is going to make me look unprofessional. Is "cultural studies" nebulous enough that I can still emphasize wanting to teach literature and work in literature departments? Or will it only make sense for me to suggest teaching in actual cultural studies departments?