I made it into my dream program, at one of the top universities in the world. I should be grateful, and, well, I AM grateful, but I also feel completely and hopelessly lost here. This is an interdisciplinary program, and I came from a strictly English lit background which (I'm coming to realize) was extraordinarily light on theory. I mainly dealt with feminist theory, queer theory, and critical race theory, but they always seemed second nature to me and theory was never a lens I consciously applied to anything I studied. That's how out of touch with theory I am, not to mention all the sociology and psychology and media/film studies stuff we're covering. The (lovely) people in my cohort effortlessly talk about Foucault like he's their BFF, and I have to stifle a panic attack.
We're only a couple weeks in, but it's been two years since I got my BA, and the best way I can describe how I feel is "out of practice" or "out of shape." Everyone in my cohort understands and communicates complicated ideas so deftly, while I struggle to put two words together. I used to have ideas and observations out the wazoo, to the point where I actively had to contain myself in class to avoid becoming one of those obnoxious jerks that completely monopolizes class discussion. Now I dread (and am often incapable of) having to come up with something, anything to say in lecture so the professor will see me as participating.
I totally get that there's such a thing as imposter syndrome, and I have had that for a long time, even back in undergrad. But this seems bigger than that. I keep waiting for everything to click, for me to remember why I'm here, and it's been slow going.
Will this go away? I am dedicated and determined, even if I'm no longer passionate and confident, and hope that it's just a matter of adjustment and building up those parts of my brain that atrophied during my 2 year hiatus doing jack sh*t all day. Has anyone else experienced this? Have you got any advice in the meantime? I know I'm not dumb, and that they accepted me for a reason... I just hope to god I figure out what that reason is soon!