I feel like I had a very promising career as a scientist, researching at one of the top international institutions and developing my thesis on a topic of my choice. But I have since lost it all, and now I feel that I won't be able to live doing what I love anymore. You see, I was able to pick my research topic because I joined this PIs lab on the condition that I would choose my own research topic. In hindsight, this was a big mistake. Not only did I get no support from the PI or the lab, I felt that I was ostracized from the lab all the time. This situation became highly stressful for me and discouraging, I can still remember the pain of working by myself and struggling to learn how to teach myself new techniques. Yet, I was determined to see my research go through, but all of this spiraled out of my control when that PI kicked me out of his lab.
It was funny because the week leading to this person kicking me out I had expressed another research idea to them, in which I detailed all the experiments necessary with the theoretical justification for them. And, unsurprisingly, this PI tried to give this research idea as theirs away to others who considered joining the lab after they kicked me out. Even less surprising, an ex colleague from that lab ended up publishing a paper on that same research idea, yet it was severely lacking the most important aspects that would have made it a breakthrough publication.
After being kicked from this lab, I was forced to scour for labs within the institution who would have me, and many of the labs who had previously shown interest in me straight out rejected me. I was fortunate, however, in that a different lab took me in despite my situation. Yet, throughout the process I always felt like I was at fault, that I did something wrong, because even the administration who was supposed to help me and back me, made me feel guilty about my situation. Words can not express how depressed and disillusioned I was towards science throughout this whole ordeal. Even worse, I had just signed a new rental contract at the time that I was kicked out, in which I had negotiated a longer term rental for a lower price, and as such I was locked into the area. I came from a working class family, unlike some of my peers, so I had no means to free myself of this situation.
The new lab didn't seem particularly intellectually challenging, but I was now researching a topic that I had no interest in. Every experiment felt like slog, I felt that with every action I lost my sense of self. I just kept doing it out of survival, trying to get through it such that I could later move towards something more fitting. I felt as if I had resigned my fate to others, I longer had any semblance of control over my life. Pandemic came, and I think the situation worsened overall. While I was able to take a significant break from the daily struggle in lab, I had to eventually return to lab to continue the research work, with the same expectations, but with limited time at the lab. This continued for some time, until about a year later, the current PI forwarded me a letter from administration and expressed that I was not working enough, that I had to sign it and agree to the conditions, which entailed constant surveillance from administration, and basically become an indentured servant during the summer or else, suffer the consequences. This made me very angry, so much so that I felt I was chocking my self trying to restrain what I truly wanted to say. I took the paper, unsigned, and walked away. On my short walk, I felt as if my mind was about to explode, so I valiantly came back to my PI and just told them I would quit their lab, that I wouldn't submit myself to such abuse. For some reason, they reached out and hugged me, and I started to cry waterfalls. It was as if all the pain of being submitted to others came out. This was the last day I ever worked at a lab.
The program director allowed me to finish with a Masters degree. I tried looking for work shortly after, to no success. It's been more than a year since I graduated. I tried my luck with other career paths, even took the MCAT and applied to med school. Yet, I've been rejected by more than 15 different schools. I've been thinking of returning to science, but I'm afraid that I have burned all my bridges given my situation. I don't know what to do. I feel that I've never been able to live up to my potential.
