ExoticTeacup

** This is very long, as almost all of my posts are. If you do have the patience to read it, though, I'd really appreciate some feedback. Skimming the first two and last paragraphs will give you the basic message, but for the people who really don't understand what living with this phobia is like, I wanted to include details. ** The title is a major understatement. When it comes to travel, I am absolutely paralyzed by a fear of flying. Yes, I'm familiar with safety statistics, and I know how planes work, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm even in the Aerospace Engineering department! I mean, my funding even comes from the US Air Force! Still, no matter how much I know about the subject, I am utterly terrified of flying. I know it's irrational; that's why it's called a phobia. Before bombarding me with statistics and reassurances about flying, please consider whether you would try to tell a claustrophobic person statistics about the safety of broom closets. My point is, don't try to convince me planes are safe because I already know they are; for the time being, this phobia is not going away, so please keep responses focused on how I should handle working around it rather than trying to cure it. When I fly, I have panic attacks. And I don't just panic; I get hysterical. I have fainted in the middle of airports. I have vomited in waiting areas. I have accidentally caused other people to panic because they thought I was having a heart attack. I have sprinted off of an airplane just moments before the flight attendant closed the door in a last minute panic. I feel a knot in my stomach that makes me physically ill for WEEKS before I fly. Sometimes I have multiple panic attacks per day for a week or more leading up to a flight. Even the process of buying a ticket online, or driving by an airport where I can actually see the planes makes me panic and/or get sick to my stomach. Having said that, the weird thing is that I have flown before. I've flown a lot actually. I studied abroad three times as an undergrad, and I've had to make very short-term travel plans where flying was my only option. In fact, I've been on over 30 flights since I started college. The problem is that each one has been worse than the last. I started out just terrified of flying; now I become completely incapacitated by the mere suggestion that I might have to fly. At this point, I can only fly sedated, and that just complicates things more. A year ago, I flew with my undergraduate summer research group. We had to take 9 flights that summer, and I couldn't get out of them. I tried to drop out of the program two days before the first flight. I even offered to repay the university every penny of my summer research stipend, but my well-meaning adviser refused to allow it. It was humiliating that the entire research group had to know that I had to fly sedated. I felt awful that one of them had to help me through a panic attack. I was embarrassed the my adviser had to act like my parent in order to keep me from leaving the program. That series of flights was the last straw for me. After that experience, I absolutely cannot, will not, get back on an airplane. I'm shaking and crying right now just from thinking about flying. I've tried to get help for this so many times, but it just doesn't work. No matter how many therapists I've talked to, nobody can figure out how to get to the root of the problem. They tell me statistics I already know and get confused as to why I get worse with each flight rather than desensitized. There is a moment of stunned silence when I tell them about how much I like turbulence because it feels like a roller coaster, and how the most positive flying experience I can recall was the awesome sound and light show that came from flying through a thunderstorm. Apparently it's also strange that I do better in the little puddle jumpers than the huge jumbo jets, and that I've gone skydiving (it makes sense to me; I got to do exactly what I always want to do: get OUT of the plane!) and hang gliding. Nobody has been able to help me because I don't fit the profile of any of the other people they've seen with this phobia. I've also had no success with self help stuff. At this point, I've accepted that I just don't fly. I am a first-year Ph.D. student now, and nobody here knows about my phobia. My boyfriend is going to a conference in a month and since I ironically have more experience booking flights than him, he asked me to book his travel. I started panicking when I tried to book his flights online (this was a surprise to me; I didn't know I panicked when booking flights for other people, too). He then told me that my advisor was going to be very unhappy with me if I refused to fly to a conference someday. I hadn't even thought about this. I never really considered it, but I guess I just figured that if I had to go to a conference on the other side of the country, I'd take a train and be there in 3 days. I mean, I get 3 weeks of vacation each year, so if it really mattered, couldn't I just take 6 of those days for travel? I know of lots of people who traveled to conferences and stayed an extra several days to sightsee. Would it be equally okay for me to spend my sightseeing time not in the city where the conference is held, but on a train somewhere between here and there? Am I really going to piss off my advisor by refusing to fly? As if the impostor syndrome wasn't enough at this point, now I have to worry about how long it will be before I disappoint everyone by making a big deal out of avoiding something as mundane as flying. I can't risk having everyone in my group lose any respect they might have for me by seeing me the way my undergrad research group saw me while traveling by plane, though. Does anyone else here have a severe fear of flying? How do you deal with it when it comes to things like conferences? Is this something I should tell my advisor about ahead of time, or should I wait until it becomes an issue? Also, how often will this become a problem? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

An update, as requested: Like every biopsy before it, this one came back with "questionable abnormal cells that appear to be non-cancerous," and the recommendation is to repeat in six months. Again, I freaked out stressing over nothing, and I guarantee you I'll do it again in a few months, only then I'll be doing it with a new set of doctors. For now, though, I have a clean bill of health, and I have more pressing things to worry about, such as only having two days to pack up my entire apartment (OMG WHY AM I ON A FORUM RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF PACKING?!). Here's wishing good luck and good health to all!

I just bombed my last course. Okay, I didn't really completely bomb it, but I did get a C in it, which is the lowest grade I've ever gotten as an undergrad (I'm a perfectionist overachiever). Now I want to know what I should do about it. I absolutely gave it my all, but there were a lot of things that came up this semester that were outside of my control, and I'd prefer to find a way to handle this that does not involve sending a sob story that just looks like a list of excuses to anybody at my future grad shool. I am very nervous because this grade will be the last grade listed on my transcript, and when I send my final transcript, I do not want to be sent packing. However, I am not sure just how much they will care about that class anyway. This semester, I only took one class. It was the first time I was ever a part time student, and I did so because 1) I only had one class left, and 2) my undergraduate stipend and scholarship had run out in December, so I had to work to pay for the course and support myself. When the people in my department see that I was only taking one class, they will probably logically figure out that I was working at least one full time job, right? I mean, nobody takes one class and sits on their ass for the rest of the week, correct? Also, the course was in my major, but very far outside my field. I am also changing departments (my field can really be housed in any of three departments), so this course that I just barely passed isn't something that this new department would even be interested in. I am just really worried because it is the only representation of my work this semester, and it is technically a course in my major. Will they just overlook that since I really aced everything directly related to my field? I know that the grade does not reflect my normal work, and it doesn't make me question my ability to do quality graduate level work, but I am worried that my graduate department will see it differently. I do have verifiable reasons for why I did not perform up to my normal standards this semester, but those involve things like being overworked at two jobs and having a close friend pass away a month and a half ago and ending up in counseling because of that. Obviously I don't want to bring this up if I don't have to, and I don't want to draw attention to the grade if they would otherwise overlook it, but I also don't want to ignore the elephant in the room by just not addressing the grade if it does bother them. Should I wait and see if they say anything to me? Or should I be proactive and send some sort of a message acknowledging that this semester was not up to par, and that if they wish to address it with me, I would be willing to talk about it. I really don't know what I should do, and I'm terrified that no matter what I do, I'll lose my spot!

Edit: I just realized how long this was. I'm sorry about that. If you don't want the full narrative, just skip to the last paragraph. So here is a new twist on this topic. I have a biopsy in two days, and I'm worried about possibly having to start grad school with cancer. Now before getting all sympathetic or anything, know that I have been having the same biopsies done twice a year since I was in high school because they keep detecting cells that are "potentially precancerous," so my semi-annual biopsy is pretty much just a part of my life, and it is usually no big deal. That said, this time I'm freaking out. Since the doctors have had a close eye on this for a long time, I know that if it comes back cancerous, it will be very early stage and shouldn't be hard to wipe out, but I'm nervous about the timing because I'm supposed to move in the beginning of June and start my graduate work mid-June. I've always lived in or right next to a big city, and my grad school is out in the middle of nowhere. I'm really starting to worry that if the results come back cancerous, I could be moving to a place without many good cancer treatment centers nearby (it's always good to have more than one so you can get good second and third opinions). I will only find out the biopsy results one or two weeks before I move, so I will pretty much already be at the point of no return in terms of my relocation. I know the seemingly logical thing to do would be to just talk to the department and delay my start if the biopsy does come back with bad news, but that won't really be an option for me because I am losing my health insurance in June and am relying upon switching to the university's student health insurance at that time (that is one of the reasons I wanted to start early). Obviously if I end up with a cancer diagnosis, I can't be without health insurance, and I don't think I can start the university's insurance and immediately claim a medical leave of absence (that would allow me to have still coverage) if I haven't even been enrolled for a semester yet. Also, I would not be interested in putting my life on hold anyway. Even if I have cancer, I'm still going to grad school. Cancer is just a part of life in my family. Everybody seems to get it, and while it has sadly taken the lives of several family members, we are also a family of survivors. Four years ago, I watched my mom beat stage 3 breast cancer into remission, and she almost never lost the pep in her step. She took two weeks to recover from surgery, and then she would just take one or two days off of work to lay on the sofa, ache, and throw up after her chemo treatment every two weeks, but the rest of the time, she lived her life like everybody else. Of course, she was more tired than usual, and she needed more sleep and down time than she normally did, but she did not put her life on hold. After recovering, she even refused [free!] reconstructive surgery to replace the breast that had been removed. Being a cancer survivor is a part of her identity now, and she likes having a constant reminder of her ability to survive more than she would like to have a matching set again; she basically redefined the concepts of self-esteem and beauty for me. As you can probably tell, I greatly admire my mother for the grace and strength that she showed in her battle with cancer, and if my biopsy comes back reporting some cancer cells, I plan to accept it as just one more challenge in my crazy life, buy a few outrageous wigs, and follow in my mother's footsteps (I couldn't ask for a better role model), refusing to let it end or control my life. This has been the attitude I have maintained about this all along, and twice each year, when I go for another biopsy, I am relaxed knowing that I have what it takes to take on whatever might be thrown at me. Now I am scared, though, because I am trying to start a new life in grad school this summer. If I show up having just been diagnosed with cancer, will I be forced to take time off, and if so, will the school work with me to get me on their student health insurance plan? I really have absolutely no, zilch, zip, nada, zero interest in taking a medical leave of absence, especially before I even get started, but I know that if I am going through cancer treatments, I won't be able to put in the time that some of my peers will. During that first year, I know that my program will demand 110% of me, but if I'm going through chemo, I might only have 75% to give, and I might have to actually travel a significant distance every couple of weeks for treatments because the nearest major city is about 3 hours away. I am excited about my studies, and I want to work, no matter what else is going on in my life, but I am afraid that if I am diagnosed with cancer, I'll just be told to defer or postpone my start, which would leave me feeling bored and purposeless at a time when I would really need distractions and motivation, and would also leave me without health insurance to pay for treatments. So my question is, are grad programs generally willing to work with students who are temporarily unable to plow ahead at full speed due to medical reasons? I'm terrified that there will be an "all or nothing" mentality and that I would have to choose between taking off completely or accepting the same workload that any normal healthy grad student would have. I know that there is a very good chance that this biopsy will just come back saying "potentially precancerous, but no immediate threat" like it always does, and I won't have to deal with this in a couple weeks, but I'm also thinking about the future. If I've been "potentially precancerous" for five years now, there's probably a pretty good chance that it could become more serious some time in the next five years, so even if I don't end up having to deal with this now, I might later. If anybody has any stories about students who ran into serious medical problems during their studies but did not take a full leave of absence, please share.

I'm supposed to move out to Ithaca in the beginning of June so that I can start during the summer, so I've been looking at rentals that have been becoming available. Something is striking me as a bit odd and problematic though. It seems that just about everything in the downtown area or anywhere on that side of campus comes furnished! I've been living on my own for years now, and I have quite a bit of money invested in my home furnishings; throwing it away is absolutely out of the question, and call me a snob if you want to, but quite frankly, I don't want some landlord's ratty old sofa when I have a great leather couch. I've heard of furnished apartments, but where I come from, they constitute maybe 5% at most of all of the units rented. Are furnished units really the norm in Ithaca, and if so, does anybody know of specific landlords who have unfurnished properties? I'm starting to get a bit concerned here.

I'm actually going to disagree with this post. I have lived in Pittsburgh for 5 years now, and I've definitely found ways to make weekend trips to Philly, New York, Boston, and Chicago. You just have to be willing to use methods of transportation other than a car. Pittsburgh has a rather busy airport, and both Southwest Airlines and JetBlue operate a lot of flights there. Discount airlines are your friend. To places like Philly, New York, Boston, and Chicago, these discount flights are actually cheaper than the cost of driving there (think about gas, tolls, meals, etc.). I've only done trips to New York or Boston once, but I can definitely rave about how Southwest has TONS of flights everyday to Philly and Chicago. It's definitely reasonable to fly out on a Friday evening and come back either Sunday night or early (think 6:00 AM flight) Monday morning. Also, Amtrak has a route called the Capitol Limited that runs between Washington DC and Chicago, passing through Pittsburgh. The way the timetable is set up, it is basically an overnight train between Pittsburgh and Chicago every night. I've left on that train from Pittsburgh at about midnight Friday night, slept on the train, eaten breakfast in the dining car while watching Indiana pass by, and been in downtown Chicago by 9:00 AM. Then I hop back on around dinner time on Sunday evening and arrive downtown in Pittsburgh just after 5:00 AM Monday with enough time to get home and get ready for the day. It is definitely easy to do weekend trips from Pittsburgh. If you are willing to look into things like discount flights and overnight trains, there is absolutely no reason why you should feel stuck here! BTW, a little background... I am NOT from Pittsburgh. I am from just outside of Philly, and my entire family still lives out there. I moved to Pittsburgh by myself 5 years ago, and I have lived here as both a student and a professional. I will be moving away in a little over a month (*tear*), but decided to stop by this thread to see if I could offer any words of wisdom. I really love living here and will miss it a LOT!

A faculty member took the time to explain a bit of the process to me after I was waitlisted for funding at one of my top choices. A good program probably gets about 3 to 5 equally qualified applicants for every one offer they can make. If you are one of those well qualified applicants, then whether you get the first round offer or not is really just a matter of chance. If you were waitlisted, that means that they want you to be there. If they didn't want you, they would have rejected you. Being waitlisted just means it wasn't your lucky day when they picked the first round admits. It doesn't mean you aren't perfectly qualified to go to that school. If your number comes up, and you get an offer, don't think of it as anything less than what it is. They don't offer admission to students they don't want.

There should not have been an emoticon in my last post. Apparently this thing automatically changes the combination of "B" and ")", as in the list item after A), into a

I love this thread. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there. For me, I had my heart set upon School #1, which was very prestigious and also worked best for my personal life. I had decided long ago that since I loved School #1, and it was one of the best schools I could hope to go to, I wouldn't have to feel conflicted about letting my personal life play a big role in my decision. Besides, I don't want to be one-dimensional. I never want to be completely defined only by my work; I'm striving for the best education I can get while still maintaining balance in my life. Of course, I applied to a bunch of other schools too (probably too many, really), and while I was waiting to hear about funding from School #1, other offers were flowing in. Two such offers were from School #2 and School #3. I was stunned; These were two of those schools that you just aren't supposed to say NO to. I visited them both and had terrible experiences. Every student I met in my departments seemed miserable, and whenever I would ask what they liked about the schools, they would just start rattling off stats about the prestige of the university and its faculty. I left really torn because I felt like I was supposed to be in love with those universities, but I was far from it. Then I got an amazing offer from School #4. This university was really really good, but not super awesome, but I was accepted into a really prestigious program there and was offered a fellowship that I was sure nobody else would be able to come close to matching, both in monetary value and in prestige. I visited and clicked with the faculty and the students and loved the campus and area, but it was horribly inconvenient for my personal life. After agonizing about the idea of turning down offers from superstar universities, School #2 and School #3, I decided that School #4 would be my second choice. By April, I still hadn't heard about funding from School #1, but I had managed to get myself excited about going to School #4. Then of course, just days before the deadline (I was still agonizing pretty hard), I get a very competitive funding offer from School #1. I immediately accepted it. Am I lucky to have had those options? Oh definitely yes! But it's tearing me apart now. I didn't expect to A) get really excited about a different program, or get accepted with full funding into School #2 and School #3. Now my decision to go for balance seems wrong. I hated turning down School #2 and School #3 because I felt that deep down, I was disappointing my undergraduate advisors and my parents. I hated turning down School #4 because I truly did love their program. Now, don't get me wrong; School #1 is a top 10, freaking amazing school in an area that is perfect for multiple aspects of my life, but I keep questioning my decision to go there. I'm sure that once I move up there and get started, those fears will go away, but for now I can't get over this feeling that I've disappointed everybody by choosing to go there.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to survive a whole summer of relaxation. It sounds great at first, but I think that after a few weeks, I would probably go crazy. There's a reason I've been insanely busy all my life; I know no other way. That said, I don't want to start grad school without a chance to unwind a bit. When I was offered the opportunity to do research over the summer, I said that I would love to, but I wouldn't be able to start until June because I have to move and settle in after I graduate in May. I also said that I did have plans to be away for one week during the summer and asked if I would need to cancel that trip if I came on early (this was not an attempt to guilt trip; it is a free vacation visiting family, so cancelling is a reasonable option). I was told that I could be brought on for a half summer appointment, which I think is the best option for me. I can relax a bit for the first time in years and have a less stressful move. I can then use the time that I am there in the summer to get started on my research. I can also still take that one week trip. I don't feel that anybody is disappointed that I am coming on for a half summer rather than a full one. I really want to start my research early, but for me, giving myself enough time to relocate comfortably and take that trip is really necessary; I know that I won't be able to do my best work if I move directly from one stressful environment to another without any sort of break between them. You might want to ask if there is any way to work around the cruise you want to take and/or come on for a somewhat shorter summer appointment. There is probably a way for you to start on your research early while still having a chance to unwind a bit.

My boyfriend and I have been together about 4 1/2 years, and about half of that has been long distance (I kept studying abroad, and he kept getting internships far away). He started a PhD program six hours away last year, and I will be meeting up with him to start mine at the same institution in a couple months. I don't feel like our relationship has suffered at all from the time apart, though. I realize everybody's relationship is different, so I don't claim to be an expert on the subject, but I can tell you what worked for us. 1) The single most important thing for us is trust. Being able to trust one another allows both of us to go out and enjoy ourselves with our friends without worrying about what the other is doing. I have some male friends, and he has some female friends, but neither of us goes on crazy jealous rampages about it. Having a solid trusting foundation allows you to both live healthy separate lives without the added stress of worrying about what your SO is doing without you. 2) We text. A lot. Usually, we're both so busy, and neither of us has been doing much interesting stuff, that we really can't sustain really long phone conversations all the time. We figured out that what we really missed, though, was the exchange of small comments, jokes, and observations throughout the day. Thus, whenever we observe or think of something we want to share with one another, we text. It's a great way to still share the little things and witty comments throughout the day without really interrupting the other person or trying to start a whole conversation about nothing. 3) We set both ideal and realistic plans for visiting. We realistically figure that we can see each other every six weeks. We make sure that happens. Sometimes we have to work our asses off in advance to free up a whole weekend, but there is enough notice that we always manage to pull it off. Then there is the ideal visit schedule. Ideally, we would like to see each other every two weeks. This usually does not happen. If we're lucky enough to have the time free, we do it, but if not, it's no big deal. Extra visits are icing on the cake, and they only happen when we both can manage to take the time off from whatever we're doing. They are a special treat, and we don't usually know for sure if they will happen until the day one of us is to travel. We find that the scheduled visits make sure that we do actually see each other, and the extra visits add some spontaneity and excitement. Oh, and we try to alternate which person makes the trip. 4) Have a plan for getting back together again, even if it's a long way off. As previously mentioned, that light at the end of the tunnel can be important. You can do everything right, trusting one another, keeping in contact, visiting, etc., but after a few months or years, it might get pretty hard to continue to put your love life on hold and ignore the other fish in the sea if you have no idea when, if ever, you'll permanently be in the same state as your fish. Sorry this has been so long. I just wanted to share the key things that my boyfriend and I have found that helped us successfully navigate a LDR. We have found the relationship to be very satisfying, despite the distance. Hopefully this info is of some help to somebody here. Disclaimer: YMMV

It was a "This is completely unofficial, but..." sort of thing that he mentioned in person during a sit down meeting. It just feels like it would be out of the blue now since it has been almost four weeks. But I suppose since he was comfortable enough to talk to me off the record like that, I should probably stop stressing that he would take a follow-up e-mail the wrong way. It's just too easy to stress about every little thing right now.

I guess I just don't know what the code of etiquette is at this point. I've known that professor for over a year, but we're not exactly buddies or anything. We've just had 3 or 4 chats over the course of a year. Would it be overstepping any boundaries to ask him about it?

First of all, I am extremely fortunate to have been accepted into all of my programs and to have been offered excellent funding packages at all but two of them. The problem is that my first choice is one of the two that have not yet made me a funding offer. Now, before getting angry at me for being greedy, I should give you some background. A major factor in that school being my first choice is that my boyfriend of almost five years is currently doing his PhD there, and if I do not go there, there is no way to be less than three hours from him. He started there one year ago, and part of why he chose that school was because he knew it was my first choice for academic reasons and that I would go there if I got an offer. Thus, it is a great fit for both academic and personal reasons. During my last visit there, a professor whom I've known for over a year told me unofficially that they planned to offer me a fellowship, and that official funding decisions would be made in two weeks. It has now been four weeks since that date, and I haven't heard ANYTHING from them! I'm now working on deciding among the offers I have received to pick my second choice so that I can free up funding for others at the other institutions, but I still don't want to accept the second choice offer until I hear from the first! I have other schools putting pressure on me to make a decision, but I still don't even know if I'm going to be offered funding at my first choice! I don't want to be that person who holds onto a funding offer until the last minute and then declines, but I can't turn down a YES for a MAYBE. Is there any way to politely ask my first choice school where I stand for funding? If I am being waitlisted, I want to know where I stand and what my chances are. Unfortunately, because there is more than just my education at stake here, I can't just go accept an offer at a school that is equally attractive academically unless I know for sure that there is no way that my first choice is going to come around. GAH! This is killing me!