je peux pas j'ai angoisse

Imagine making an account just to say this. I'm glad I won't be at your department, either.
1) That's an immensely uncharitable reading of my post (although it was admittedly a screed written in dejection). What I said is that my writing sample probably failed at certain programs because I flouted certain norms. I thought that people would be open to reading something that was written in a less collegiate style, and that maybe some would find it refreshing. I did not claim that I thought people would be impressed by my iconoclastic radicalism or whatever. 
2) Throughout your reply you suggest that I am complaining about being accepted. No doubt that would be absurd. But I am not doing that. I am complaining about being rejected. At worst, I am complaining about a state of affairs in which I have been both accepted and rejected. This does not imply that I am complaining about being accepted. This inference is fallacious; I'll leave it as an exercise to the reader to come up with a counterexample to this inference-schema. 
3) Obviously my post was self-centered and is going to just rub that much more salt in the wounds of people who have been shut out. I didn't mean to do that, of course. I can't edit the post now, so it'll remain as a reflection of how I felt immediately after getting rejected from some of my favorite programs. I'm kind of a hot-blooded personality and I tend to react with strong passions immediately after hearing good or bad news. The internet isn't a great place for people like that when the relevant passions are negative ones. It allows you to express those passions to large numbers of people before the passage of time can intervene and return you to a more rational state.
In conclusion I'll just say: rejection sucks for everyone, whether or not you've been rejected to a greater or lesser degree. For the people who have been rejected to a greater degree than I have, I sympathize greatly. Obviously that was never in doubt. But it's entirely appropriate to be pissed about getting rejected even just to a lesser degree. Whether or not my post was a bit much, let's not gatekeep people who have just their dreams denied, whether those be some or all of their dreams. 

Yeah, I'll be happy at UT or WUSTL, but in some sense I just definitively lost a competition in a field about which I care a whole lot. If there were national rankings of philosophy students as there are for golfers or tennis players, it seems that I wouldn't be all that high on the list. That's reason to be upset whether or not I'm happy where I end up. I think UT Austin and WUSTL are fantastic programs, and that they're both under-ranked. Still, if you figure that each Top 10 program will have an incoming cohort of about 5, it's clear that I didn't make the Top 50 rankings this year. Anyone with a competitive bone in their body would be upset by that; so, with respect, I don't think it's that silly to complain about this. 

This won't be the most practicle advice here  but if you conclude that you need to do an MA but can't afford one, you can consider Sorbonne (Paris IV), the Phil Sci track. There is at least one person in your AOI. You could  even try to make your past degrees count and start from the second year right away and still recieve the degree. It is very possible to do this without speaking french since it is an analytic philosophy oriented track (an exception) and they accept work in english. However I don't know if you can actually enroll if you don't have any ceritification for french language skills. This is probably a long shot but it may be a solution, especially if you have B2 level French from highschool or anything like that. 

Current CUNY GC student here. While I've only been here for a year, I've talked with a number of more senior students and there are a couple of factors that, while they may not entirely exculpate CUNY's less-than-stellar placement record, do give some explanations. First is that a significant number of PhD students are international students-- I'd say at least 1 in 3. Couple that with the financial stress of living in NYC on a graduate student stipend and it can cause people to leave before finishing the dissertation. Differently, those who are not dissuaded by this may get caught up with teaching extra courses at the expense of neglecting writing their dissertation. These two types of cases in mind, it is not entirely easy to place people in jobs when they don't actually get their PhDs. Another difficulty is that some of the program's key areas, Phil of Logic+Math, Mind, and Language, and of course the pull that Carroll et al. have for Aesthetics, have not been areas that hire as frequently as, say, Ethics, Social Phil, and Political Phil (just doing some cursory looking at https://www.aerodatalab.org/philjobs-trends ). It might be the case that CUNY is not preparing competitive applicants for these less popular areas compared to other schools with similar strengths. On that, however, I can't say much -- they're not my AOSes so I don't really keep up with those hires/trends.
When CUNY does finally send out decisions, people on here can feel free to message me with any questions about the program and I'll do my best to answer. There will be a prospective students day in early April, so hopefully y'all get your decisions sooner rather than later in order to make the appropriate travel arrangements.

Rejected from Stanford. Another unsurprising one since the fit is minimal. I'm now wishing I hadn't spent so much money applying to poor fits just because they're highly-ranked on the PGR.