Elang89

They all know me very well. I was a TA for one and I took several classes with the other. I would not have asked them otherwise.

Dude, that test doesn't even measure your math skills. There are so many things out there that can cause a bad grade with that test that I'd have a hard time counting them all. I never had a hard time with Calculus, Stats, Probability or Linear Algebra. Besides, only Waterloo and McGill ask for the GRE. I went for the best because I knew I could make it. I contacted the three universities that haven't answered. They told me I was still being considered and that they hadn't made a decision. A bad grade on some for-profit test that only measures your ability to take said test was no reason to refrain myself from applying. If that means that I don't get in, so be it. Nonetheless I had to try. If it doesn't work out and I'm still not there yet, then we'll see.

Yes, MS with research. However I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't have just gone for a course based masters. Ultimate goal is to leave my country and to run a business. I just don't feel like I can do those things in the third world, there aren't enough opportunities here for that and the high tech I'm used to doesn't exist here. The things I know, I know them because I spend a lot of my free time learning. I'm not interested in a PhD or in a career in Academia. That had never been something I cared for. I applied for Ms with thesis because I believed it was the best way for me to learn deeply about what interests me, which is Applied Mathematics, in particular with finance. Honestly, I don't know what is happening to me. This is the first time in a long time I've had a breakdown like this. I thought this couldn't happen anymore. To be frank it isn't even over yet. I'm still waiting for 3 responses. I don't know why, but when U of T said no, something broke inside of me. I feel better than now, but I tried really hard. I've been learning math, french and finance all on my own after I finished up with the GRE. I decided I was going to learn math with or without grad school. Still it feels awful. Maybe after I go to therapy at night I will feel better. It's not the fact that they're saying no that hurts me, it's that I'm reliving my bad start with undergrad and all the bad stuff I went through when I transitioned from school to college. Anyway thanks for the advice, I will try to calm myself down today. If I don't get in now, I think I might try again in two years. I really don't like the idea of being 28 at that time, but at the very least I'll have a stronger profile and more job experience.

I already go to a therapist. I didn't apply for a PhD, I applied for a master's degree.

So I applied to the top CS schools in Canada. UBC, McGill, U of T, Waterloo and Alberta. McGill and Toronto said no. I had the great idea to ask some Waterloo students whether it was likely that I'd been rejected. One of them behaved like a complete ass and said they'd probably said no already but haven't told me. I think he did it on purpose, he just seemed to want to make me suffer. This is going to be very long and I'm sorry that I'm unraveling here, but I don't know what else to do. So I just feel awful, more awful than I've ever felt in a long time. I feel like this was over before it even started. I mean I keep second guessing myself. Did I aim too high? Did I screw myself irreparably during undergrad? I had an 86 out of a 100% as my final grade. I tried everything I could, everything to get a 90+ grade. I couldn't do it. I never failed a single class but I couldn't get that grade. If only I could have had those 4 points I would have graduated with honors. I took the GRE three times, because Waterloo was my main choice and they ask for it for internationals and despite having good math skills I could never get more than 149 in quant. I spent upwards of $2000 paying for that test, in garbage prep materials, worthless practice tests and more retakes than I feel I needed. I spent most of last year studying for it and it wasn't enough. I didn't even move a point in math, the first time I took it was the same as the last time I took it, a 149. I sent what I believed where stellar recommendations. One of them is a very successful PhD professor, another the former director of education at my country who has PhD in economics and the last one another PhD I've spent the past hour regretting the last 15 years of my life. I was bullied pretty badly in school, and it affected my grades, my love for mathematics and my chances for leaving. This left a long lasting effect on how I view my country. I don't like my country leaving for school was a way to get out. I wish I had done it undergrad instead of now, I could have left long ago. I live in the third world, but I was born into a prominent family, I had a first world education and I could have gone elsewhere, having been belittled for my intelligence made me squander it. I could have done so much more, I could have applied to MIT and Stanford. If only things had been different. If only I had never let the bullying get to me. And now that I try to get out I feel as if I'm too late. I'm 26, if I wait another year I'll be 27 and I'll likely get out being nearly 30. I feel like every past mistake came back to haunt me and deny me the chance of doing what I want to do. I've never felt death wishes before, but this time I found myself wanting my life to be over. I feel like all my past mistakes have come back to chase me and like they will always be there to stop me from achieving my goals. I know this is overly exaggerated but it is how I feel. This is bigger than grad school and I am aware that my issues go far beyond that. I go to therapy, but nothing anyone has said to me today has calmed me down. I've tried talking to my sister, my therapist, my mother, random strangers on the internet, etc. Nothing has been able to calm me down. I can't even sleep now. I'm sorry for this long rant, but I don't know what else to do.