secondthoughts

I just finished my first week of a PhD program straight out of undergrad. I had some research experience in my B.A. and while I found it tedious, I figured a PhD would be worthwhile for the future job prospects. Besides, my parents both did it, and most graduates of my college go straight on to grad school. (Not a good rationale, I know). My major was interdisciplinary, with a science focus but no set career path, so I wasn't sure what else to do. I also wasn't/am not sure what exactly I want to work in (other than "not in academia"). I ended up throwing applications in several directions and seeing what I could get into with my major, figuring that'd be the best option. So, I ended up moving halfway across the country to a state I've never wanted to live in, to do a project I don't love, in a field that's just "okay". My lab group are all lovely people, my courses are fine, and I'm no longer having panic attacks about TAing, but I don't think I'll be happy staying here for four years (especially since my advisor is one of those "well I worked 70-80 hours a week" people). I want to at least stick out the semester (get some course credit, pay for my lease, don't leave my students in a lurch, give my advisor a manuscript draft), but I also don't look forward to faking my way through talk of the future and feel really guilty because I know my advisor will be FURIOUS if(when) I spring it on her in November, and she's really a good person. I don't want it to reflect badly on people from my (small) undergrad college or people without a master's who apply to the program in the future. I'm also homesick and in the throes of post-graduation depression, so as much as I'd like to go home this instant, that would be unwise. Part of me wants to suck it up and stay in the program all four years because that's stability. On the other hand, I don't enjoy the research process enough, I don't want to work super hard for nothing but a title, and I think if I ever go back to school later it'd be a master's, after enough work experience to know what I actually want. Is it ethically okay to still want to get something out of being here even if I don't want to stay? Do other people know they want to leave basically from the beginning? Do other people actually like the research process? Is there a future for PhD dropouts?