I feel you and I have definitely met (and/or dated) the stereotypical Bukowksi and Cormac fans, I guess I just haven't met many Kafka bros in my life. I would even venture to say that I wish I met more.
I also once dated someone whose favorite book was the Fountainhead and who told me he wanted to name his kid "Howard Roark" (huge red flag which I should have heeded)...lest anyone accuse me of not being conversant with the many flavors of lit bros that exist in this world.
I kept making huge changes to my SOP and with each school I applied to, but I mostly avoided listing influences by name. In a couple, the sole author I name-dropped was Flannery OConnor (not by explicitly naming her as an influence, but by quoting an essay she wrote about fiction) and now I feel embarrassed/regretful because she's probably one of the most obvious references you can list in an SOP...sigh.