Hi,
It's good to see you have started so early for the application process (assuming you would be applying for fall 2012). First thing I believe in is that a personal, story like plot indeed brings out the character in you and I would strongly insist that you keep it that way. As everyone has mentioned instead of looking at your Law degree as a waste, you can probably list out some key achievements during that phase, despite which you wanted more out of your career. The language on the whole can be tightened. GPPI accepts only 500 words.
I must admit, even I had started off the way you have. Got my SOP reviewed from a few people, maintained the storyline narrative and tried to be as concise. In the end I got admits from 5 out of 6 schools I applied to (which includes GPPI as well). So I would recommend you to stick to the style you have adopted. You may try out variations as someone as suggested but I am not sure if you should make it professional.