These are awesome! What a fun idea. I have adapted some lines from Shakespeare's Cassius, the true master of the self-pitying diatribe. Unfortunately, my lines don't quite scan
Come, Chicago, and cold Wisconsin, come,
Revenge yourselves alone on this poor applicant,
For she is aweary of the world;
Hated by one she loves; braved by her top choice;
Check'd like an adjunct; all her faults observed,
Set in a rejection letter, learn'd, and conn'd by rote,
To cast into my teeth. O, I could weep
My spirit from mine eyes! There is my dagger,
And here my naked breast; within, a heart
Dearer than the sum of all of your collected app fees, richer than gold.
I that denied thee an adequate writing sample will give my heart
Strike, as thou didst at my friend Jane,
Whom thou didst waitlist last year, for I know,
When thou didst hate Jane worst, thou lovest her better
Than ever thou lovest me!