zombieDuck

Apologies for the bump, but I figured I ought to give some kind of update. I've spoken to my advisor and the director of graduate studies, and while I can't take any time off without just dropping out, I have been able to reduce my workload to basically just one core class. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels as if I can't even handle that one class, so I'm going to have to stay in touch with the professor to see what I can do to catch up and keep up. I'm going to be evaluated for an OCD intensive treatment program later this month, and if I get in there's about a three-month waiting list before I can actually start it. Since I'm getting pretty desperate and miserable, I've decided to see if I can retry medication soon. I've talked about it with my boyfriend again, and he says I need to do what's best for me, which I'm going to take as an "I'm okay with that." I'm still really worried about my progress in school since I'm behind on so much and am still having problems focusing on the work. I guess all I can do is keep trying.

runonsentence: I guess this as good a time as any to mention some of the specifics about my OCD. In a nutshell, I have obsessive thoughts about my boyfriend leaving me - either because there's someone better for him out there, or just because we're not alike in some way (I've actually gotten seriously distraught over our not liking the same television shows, for example). As I mentioned, while he was quite upset for a while there, and he still isn't comfortable with it, we have had a long discussion in which he apologized for how he felt and insisted that he wanted what was best for me, and that if I needed the medication he would learn to accept it. When I decided to go off the Zoloft, he was actually worried that his behavior had caused me to (and I should reiterate that I went off the Zoloft because I was vomiting and having diarrhea simultaneously, in addition to pretty bad stomach pains). So I am certain that if I did go on the medication he would eventually come to terms with it. It's my own mind in this case that's holding me back - I can't stand the thought of doing anything that I know he doesn't like, no matter how minor it is, because it triggers my obsessional thoughts about him possibly leaving me. I am completely aware that it's irrational of me to be thinking this way, and in fact that's one of the characteristics of OCD - the awareness that the thought makes no sense and/or has no basis in reality. It's something that is extremely difficult for me to get past, hence the constant anxiety and fear.

Sigaba: Oh, I won't count on what happened to that one grad student to dictate what'll happen to me. If I do completely make up my mind to take a break, I'll be sure to ask officials how to go about doing so and whether I can without getting myself in trouble later. runonsentence: My therapists have told me very much the same. To be honest, at this point I think it is the worry over what my boyfriend will think that's holding me back more than anything else, although my discomfort with medication is still a big factor. My boyfriend has seen several people on antidepressants and was really not cool with the way they changed (apparently some of them began acting vastly different from their usual selves), and when I brought up the possibility of getting on meds he was quite upset. In fact, I did actually try Zoloft for a very short period of time (only about five days, because it was making me violently sick and unable to get out of bed), and at one point during that period he actually snapped at me and accused me of being a hypocrite for doing something I used to be so strongly against. He has since told me, however, that he understands that it's meant to treat a health problem and that if I do go on medication he's going to have to deal with it and try to get past his dislike of antidepressants. Still, his initial reaction of shock and anger is hard for me to put out of my mind. I think another reason he finds it so upsetting is because he's managed to control a severe anger problem as well as a long period of depression without any medication whatsoever, so he believes everyone is capable of doing it and that medication is for "lazy" people. He really is a sweet guy most of the time ._. He's just very opinionated. Also, I didn't realize until late last night that I've posted this in the subforum for international grads rather than grads in general. And I've been lurking since last year >_<

Sigaba: It looks like Incomplete would serve the latter function, although I'd have to make sure to finish the work before the next full term ends or else the I turns into an F (and I'd have to deal with other classes on top of that). As for the former, I know one student who did fail a class and later managed to retake it and pass, but if I fail all of my classes this quarter I might not be allowed to return (at the very least I would lose my funding). I don't think I can retake a class that I passed but happened to get a low grade in. I've managed to get an appointment with my therapist this Friday, and we'll talk about the situation then too. Thanks for the reply.

Well, I just found out that I can't take a leave of absence until I've completed at least one quarter in my program anyway, and I wouldn't be able to use the services offered by my school during the leave of absence. I'm even less certain of what I should do now. I guess I will probably continue therapy for the time being and hope that it starts to help more eventually. My academic standing is going to take quite a beating, though, and I am rather concerned about that.

Juliane: I can't turn the computer off since I need to type up my assignment, but I appreciate the advice. I'll do my best to just focus on that for tonight. So far I've managed one sentence.

Safferz: I've seen therapists at my school's counseling center since my sophomore year of undergrad, and a few months ago I transferred to off-campus counseling at a nearby mental hospital. I've also supplemented this with group therapy at my school. There is one important thing that I neglected to mention in my first post. I'm not on any kind of medication for mental health. I've always been very uncomfortable with the idea of being on a drug that affects the way I think. My boyfriend doesn't like the idea of my being on meds either, which also influenced my decision to stay away from them (and this is in fact tied in to my OCD). I would really like to try cognitive behavioral therapy without the medication, but the therapists aren't too keen on this.

Hi all, I'm sure this kind of topic has been posted about a million times, and if anyone wants to close this thread and link me to one with at least a near-identical situation to mine, I won't mind. Still, it's always nice to receive individual-specific advice. I've just recently (I'm about four weeks in now) begun a PhD program straight out of undergrad, and I'm attending the same school I got my bachelor's in. Since about January or late December, I've been dealing with depression caused by an intense amount of anxiety associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I've been in therapy (on-campus counseling, off-campus counseling, and group counseling) for quite some time, but it doesn't seem to be helping much, and now my mental problems are beginning to interfere with my work. (Case in point: I have a large assignment due first thing tomorrow morning, and instead of even starting it I'm typing up this post instead.) My cohort is very nice to me and I think they're all cool people, and the professors have been kind to me as well, but my current state of mind has been making it extremely difficult to enjoy the experience. I'm already failing one of my classes, and the knowledge that I am makes me want to do the work even less. It was yesterday, when I found myself researching suicide methods, when I began to wonder if I should be in grad school right now. I'm afraid to ask for a leave of absence, though, because I'm only four weeks in and I worry that I'd be letting the faculty down. Hell, not just the faculty; my entire family, including my boyfriend, were all extremely supportive of my decision to attend grad school and cheered my acceptance to this program so enthusiastically that I worry I'd be letting them all down too. I also have no idea what I would do if I left because I never had a Plan B; grad school was always the plan for me. I should clarify that my stress and depression aren't being caused by my workload or my relationship with my cohort and professors. My OCD issues actually have nothing to do with schoolwork or grades at all, but explaining it in detail would necessitate another lengthy post. Because of this, and since my problems are getting in the way of my work now, I feel that I may be justified in asking for a leave of absence while I attempt to figure out what to do with myself. I'm wondering, though, if this is really the right decision to make, and if not, what I should do instead. I apologize for the discombobulated way that this post is written. Obviously, I can try to make some things clearer if anyone asks.