raimunda

SunDevil, Thanks. I was getting to the point of potentially not checking this thread anymore, because every time it did, it made me more upset. You changed that Basically what I was trying to say was that yeah, my life has been difficult and I have a thin skin. But if I were being treated in a fair way in grad school it would be a lot easier for me. (For example... I've been pretty unhappy in life for the past 2 years, in undergrad. But in undergrad I saw a clear way to succeed in my classes: study, learn the material, do the homework, ask the profs for help when I needed it. So I got by in a certain way. It was much more straightforward than this.) As I see others being treated better and no way for me to win the approval of (certain) professors, it can get kind of discouraging. I was hoping for some advice on how to deal with unfair treatment--like, should I confront the professors? Grin and bear it? Try to be that much better than average to make up for it? And I also wanted to know if this was a common experience, or if mine was especially bad. Or again, some "I've had that kind of experience too and I understand how much it sucks" posts. But anyway... thanks again, SunDevil. You've done your good deed for the day.

I didn't say my childhood justifies my negativity. What I'm trying to say is that my negativity isn't a choice. I am in constant pain. I can try all I like to be positive, it doesn't work. I do not know how to manufacture feelings, if you do I'd be interested to learn how. If it's not a contest, why are you telling me what happened to you? Why do you think I would care? It seems like you're saying that your difficult childhood justifies your unkindness to me. It doesn't. You say you don't like it when people assume they've had the hardest life. I did not say that I've had the hardest life possible--those are words you put into my mouth. And yet you make it sound like you've had the hardest life, and that justifies your jackassery. You're known to come off as an asshole? Maybe it's becaue you are an asshole... just a thought worth considering. I never said everyone in my program hates me. A couple of professors and one student--the other students and the other professors have been fine to me. Get the help I need? Um, I've been trying to do that since I was a teenager with absolutely no luck. Should I just put my life on hold forever? Seriously... I regret posting here. You know how I said that seeking help always comes back to bite me? I guess this is yet another example of it. I was only asking for help. Like it or not, you made me feel worse. There is no good outcome here. Do you really enjoy doing this to people?

emmm, thanks for your reply, it was really kind. I don't know what the right decision is for me, but hopefully I will figure something out.

Elise, I know that I do tend to get hurt easily, and that's a problem in my life. The thing is... how do I fix this problem? I really have no idea. I've tried everything you can imagine, and probably quite a few things you can't. It's a lot easier said than done. What it amounts to is that I had a really horrible childhood which was mainly the fault of my parents, and as a result I have problems with almost every other kind of interaction in my life. But I've tried so hard to get help, and all I get is hurt worse. For example, a few years ago I saw a psychotherapist who started to help me, I got really attached to him and then he cut me off because there was a session limit at my university. I'm still, years later, dealing with feelings of abandonment and worthlessness because of him. I had seen 4 therapists before him (who hadn't helped), so trying to find another would probably be a wild goose chase. I still tried 2 more times and got hurt still worse. (the person I saw afterwards blamed me for it.) It gets really confusing when seeking help causes more pain, and yet not seeking help doesn't seem to be the answer either. The problem I have with replies like yours and Gnome's first reply is that it makes it sound like if I wanted, I could just snap out of it and feel great regardless of circumstances. If I had had an easier life I think I would be able to deal with the unpleasantness of my current school situation a lot more easily, but right now it's just adding another huge rock to the weight I carry around daily. When I see that other people in my situation aren't getting treated so badly, and I can't see a way to get the professors to like me no matter what I do, it's just too much to handle sometimes. I really do love the subject matter, and I love the topic I'm planning on writing my master's thesis on. So I don't just want to drop out. But sometimes I feel like... seriously, why can't I just catch a break once in my life?

About the courses--I knew there weren't a lot of courses offered in the department in general. But there was supposed to be one offered in my area of interest this spring (as in, now)... but the professor went on a medical leave of absence and the course was cancelled. No one's fault, but I kind of got screwed. (My area of interest is also not that popular, so it probably wouldn't have gotten a lot of courses anywhere.) When I was looking at schools, I mostly looked at professors rather than courses--and there are plenty of professors here who share my interests. The mean person in my cohort is one of three (as in there's me, her and one other). She is generally pretentious and mean to people all around. She particularly makes fun of one guy's english (he's not a native speaker, and neither is she, but her english is better) and really made him feel bad for a while. For some reason people seem to like her a lot despite her weird behavior. (I think part of it is that she is really good at acting. e.g. she laughs 'genuinely' at jokes she doesn't get or find funny.) Last week she did something really crappy to me and knew I was kind of upset about it. So last night I saw her at a gathering and she asked if I was mad, I said "kind of" and she sort of apologized. But I was still upset because she put me in a very difficult situation. I guess it showed on my face and she started pointing at me, saying "oh, she's so upset! Isn't that funny!" and laughing. She also tried to correct my english in front of a professor one time, which was weird because she's not a native speaker and I am (and not surprisingly, her 'correction' was wrong). It's such a strange thing to do, it really made me think she had a problem with me and wanted to make me feel bad. Keep in mind these aren't the only things she's done... these are just two examples. The professors... yup, those are the only two classes I've taken (although the spring term has started, so I've got 3 more at the moment. So far the professors are much better this term.) I also audited another class last semester, and for what it's worth, I think that professor really liked me. With the other classes, it felt like it was just against me for the most part, although one of the professors was tremendously condescending to the 'mean girl' I described earlier. Now she and I both agree that they weren't being fair to us--we got the exact same grades in both classes (and this is not an A, B, C system but a 99, 98, 97 system where getting the exact same grade isn't all that likely). We were kind of thinking that they never bothered telling us apart, since we kind of look alike. you said "Become their favorite if you want". easier said than done! When it feels like everything I say is wrong just because I'm the one saying it, I don't see an easy way out. I haven't talked to the other girls about sexism, so I'm not sure what they think. What I can say is that most of the girls don't talk much during class. I talked more than the others and as far as I can tell, got punished for it. The guy who came in an hour late (an hour! not 30mins) is in my cohort, so he actually doesn't have more experience than me. I really don't know how he could have had fabulous insights on a book he hadn't even begun to read. Sometimes last semester I would be sitting in class thinking about whether I should say the thing I had in mind, because when the professor shot me down it made me feel so bad that after a while I became cautious. But then this guy would happen to say the exact same thing that I was thinking about saying--and he got praised. After enough time saying things and being told I was wrong, no matter how reasonable what I said was, it got kind of obvious. There's one other weird story I have about the sexism thing. One day all of the male students were absent from one of my classes. And for some reason the professor was much more receptive to what I said that day. I'm not sure what was going on there, but it seemed really strange and not coincidental. The funding is pretty crappy. I think everyone is drawing on previous savings or else taking out loans. (Luckily I have pretty much saved up, so it's not a disaster for me. More of an inconvenience.) The thing that makes me so mad isn't that we don't receive a lot of money, it's the organization of it. Why don't they take tuition out of our pay instead of making us pay before we're paid? Why do we have to pay in the summer when we're not taking classes? (Yeah, we can still use the libraries, but I don't think that justifies $2000.) I really wish this had been more clear in the acceptance letter. Ok.. this is getting long, so I'll leave it here. Thanks for giving me a second chance.

Wow... that was a really mean reply. So I guess as long as I have been unhappy before, I must be unable to perceive anything normally. Maybe I'm also getting paid $5000/month and my attitude is making it seem like less? Maybe the reason crappy things happen to me all the time is people like you, who blame me whenever I suffer and who think that the fact that I am suffering is evidence that I'm full of s***.

Hi, I just started a master's program in September. and I really hate it, for a number of reasons: 1. There are almost no courses offered in my area of interest. 2. One of the people in my cohort is kind of crappy to me. She talks down to me, acts like I'm a moron, laughs at me when I get upset, etc. 3. I took 2 classes last semester, and both professors seemed to have something against me. One of them especially shot down everything I said--and it seemed like he was looking for a way to contradict me as soon as I started talking. 4. Both of these professors had clear favorites (not me). 5. Both of these professors appeared to be sexist. They strongly preferred the male students. (I am female. and btw I'm in a humanities field where there isn't supposed to be so much sexism.) Once one of these male students came to class an hour late without having opened the book we were discussing. He proceeded to talk about something vaguely related for 30 minutes or so and got nothing but "how insightful!" from the professor. Meanwhile I had stayed up half the night reading the book, came to class on time and everything I said was met with "actually, raimunda, here's why you're wrong." 6. The funding is worse than I thought it would be. They ask us to pay tuition "from our stipend", yet they ask for ALL the tuition at the beginning of the term and pay us bit by bit, monthly (which means we have to have money of our own saved up in order to pay on time. If we pay late, we get a fee.) 7. I just found out we have to pay tuition over the summer even though no classes are offered and we aren't getting paid. It's really demoralizing. I feel like I would really like to study this subject for a long time, maybe forever, but not in an environment like this. I get so upset about it and feel like there's no point... I might as well run away, get a job (seriously, even in retail they treat you better than this) and read on my own. The terrible thing is that I had a pretty crappy life before this, and I was looking forward to grad school as a place where I would finally feel at home, have friends, etc. I do kind of have friends, but I also feel like it's not worth it at all. I don't know... any advice?