[What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?]

This is a relevant subject to me! Coming into grad school last year I had only one rule... Don't date fellow grad students in the same program. And of course now I am dating a fellow student and I'm incredibly happy. I definitely wasn't hunting for a partner or looking for validation, but we have a lot in common and get along very well, and one thing led to another. In general I think we don't annoy the other students, apart from sometimes hanging out in each other's office with other students there trying to work, but in our program that happens all the time, not just with us two.

If you do find someone you really like in your program, I would recommend waiting a month or two and just get to know each other slowly, rather than jumping into 'dating' immediately. That should minimize the chances of 'meaningless yet dramatic grad school flings' But I'm glad I didn't stick to my rule of not dating a fellow student!

Thanks for sharing your experience. And good advice on being sure to take it slow!

Oh no! That's not what I meant at all! It wouldn't bother me if any woman (or any man for that matter - my post was gender neutral) was aggressively dating in grad school. I just know that actively seeking a relationship can be REALLY distracting for myself, personally, and that hunting for a boyfriend in grad school would almost certainly be a trade-off, where I wouldn't be as focused on my program. And if I was being so aggressive out of the fear that this was my LAST CHANCE for happiness, that would be too bad, because I think that would be a misconception that might make me miss out on some of the reasons I am going to grad school in the first place.

That's not to say I don't find dating a satisfying, stress-relieving activity, which is why I stated that I wouldn't be opposed to it if it happened naturally. This is theoretical for me anyway, as my boyfriend of a number of years will be relocating with me and our dog.

That being said, I can totally visualize a situation in which a person, male or female, who was insecure and constantly needing validation from a string of meaningless yet dramatic grad school flings, who was throwing off the group dynamic and constantly redirecting attention from the subject matter, could be super annoying in close quarters. However, I don't think that has anything to do with perpetuating a stereotype.

Fair enough.

[What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?]

[but there are MUCH easier ways to look for husbands than attend a top school for a 5-year PhD. Just sayin']

I think your're incorrectly inferring that I think people should be using grad school as eharmony. There is a difference between that and being cognizant that gs may be the last environment where you are exposed to a larger group of like-mined people with which you can easily socialize. Some people are unprepared for the reality that after college and grad school it is harder to develop any new relationships, romantic or platonic. Realizing this is not the same as spending 40K a year with specific intent of getting your MRS.

[What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?]

I don't see how your life could be so insular that you don't have any relationships outside of your program. I've always tried to keep a somewhat diversified group of friends, albeit only because I play a sport. So I have school friends and rugby friends.

I think perhaps you're being a bit myopic based on your own very limited experiences and slightly rude. If a person enters a program in a new city which requires he or she put in 60-70 hrs a week to excel, it's very possible the person will find it difficult to meet people outside the program or have the time to build a relationship with them. If you didn't have time to play rugby, what types of friends would that leave you with?

[What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?]

I think in general that in terms of "rules", the same biases apply as dating in the workplace. Women can sometimes be looked down on for dating within the workplace, more so than men, or are seen as less "serious" for dating because its assumed that they'll marry, have a family, and not continue working at the same pace as the men. This I think would especially be a concern for women in STEM fields or those pursuing tenure track positions.

I don't think there's anything wrong with dating someone in your program, if it naturally happens, but I also wouldn't treat grad school as a matchmaking service. I wouldn't want to miss out on all the things my grad school has to offer by being stuck in the mindset that this is my "last opportunity to meet a large group of intellectual and ambitious people at once." After all, grad school is WAY more expensive than eHarmony.

Reading these made me wonder about how women may view other women who (aggressively) date in grad school. If you thought someone was "treat[ing] grad school as a matchmaking service," would you be resentful (or maybe just a bit annoyed) because they may seem to be perpetuating a stereotype (i.e. that women are all just looking for husbands)?

[What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?]

Although I haven't seen any really crazy stuff (e.g. screaming matches) from couples who are dating each other in the same department, I don't think I would view these people differently if I did see one. I think I can differentiate someone's social and professional life, even if they mix up sometimes. For example, at conferences or other social activities, I see people sometimes overindulging perhaps. But that doesn't make me think "oh well, so-and-so likes to get drunk, his or her research must not be that great", or "wow this presenter looks like they are having a hangover, no need to listen then!". Sure it's not 100% professional, especially if you show signs of it while presenting, but I don't think it really strongly affects how I feel about a person.

I commend you for this ability, but I think many people judge and judge hard. both on character and capability.

[What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?]

you know it's possible to meet and date someone that isn't in your department, though, right? like... you can refuse to date within your department and not be alone forever. you act like it's all or nothing.

Hyperbole, dear . I don't think failing to date in grad school would preclude me from having a relationship for the next 20 years either! Like, I was trying to make the point that either extreme may be troublesome.

That being said, there are certain fields where you only see people in your program. So I don't know if dating outside your department is a realistic option for everyone . . . .

[What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?]

One problem I've had in dating after college is that, in the "real world", there aren't as many opportunities for you to get to know people and become emotionally invested in their personhood without dating. (As opposed to in college, where there were classes, homework cram sessions, dorm peeps, etc.)

So I'm hoping that, while busy and stressful, grad school will at least provide space for getting to know people around my age, and that dating would be a possibility.

This is so very true! Undergrad def. has opportunities to socialize, but I think grad school is conducive to a stronger bond with more like-minded people. It's like the experience is demanding in such a way that you develop a survivor's bond with your peers. And even if there are mostly women in your program, I bet that widening your circle will lead to Mr. Right!

Our field also has a large proportion of linguists who are married to other linguists, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if that is the case in other fields as well.

I have noticed that there are a good number of professionals and academics that are married to others in their field. I wonder how many met in grad school . . .

I have always kept dating very separate. I have never dated anyone I worked with or had classes with. The only thing that came close was dating someone in engineering, but a different year and discipline. None of my serious relationships have ended amicably, so it's probably for the best that I do it this way.

Lol. I am not usually friends with the ex's, either, so this is something to keep in mind. BUT Do you ever wonder if there was someone you ignored/rejected though who could have been a great potential partner??

I'm seriously dating within my department. My bf have 2 classes together as well. The relationship is going really well and we're moving together to where I got accepted into a Phd program... (we live together now already)

BUT, although our situation turned out really well, I could see that there could be problems with "in-dating". Being in the same dept, field and courses could result in a competitive atmosphere that COULD be really good or really bad. You might be competing for the same grants, fellowships etc. And then there's the issue of spending too much time together and not being able to get away. We've had arguments that have sprung up just because we've gotten frustrated with being around each other too much; but we recognize the problem and then deliberately spend time apart. Also, we do have a lot of mutual friends - but we also have maintained separate social circles as well so that we have people to hang out with WITHOUT each other.

There has to be a certain amount of trust; I have a lot of male friends and some of them are his friends as well, but my bf acknowledges and understands that I need to spend time with these friends without him around just like I did before we started dating. And vice versa.

Despite all this, I think that because we are in the same field and deal with the same issues, we can understand and relate to each other's problems. Before my current bf I dated a man that was not in school and even though he was understanding, he couldn't fully relate to my "work" problems or complaints.

I think "in-dating" is just like "out-dating" - endogamy or exogamy - it's still dating and either way comes with issues and benefits.

This gives me hope. I'm glad you pointed out the need for some separation, too. I don't know anything about endogamy or exogamy w/o referencing wikipedia, but you have a point about issues and benefits. I guess a big concern for me, and perhaps others, is that as a grad student, you're at the beginning stages of a career. You don't have the years of reputation or goodwill to insulate you from any mishaps, in fact you are laying the seeds for it at GS. So a screaming match with the SO in study group (I've seen it happen ) may be detrimental to more than your relationship. In reality, most of us have better control that this, but love makes you do dumb, dumb things . . . even us smart people

That being said, I'm have no desire to be single until I'm 45 just because I'm dedicated to my work and need to uphold a reputation!

[What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?]

I was curious about what others thought about dating in grad school, esp. other grad students.

I've heard that grad school is the last opportunity to meet a large group of intellectual and ambitious people at once. Since educated people tend to marry other educated people and meeting people once you're part of the workforce is difficult, is grad school a great place to meet a SO?

Or is dating other grad students a bad idea because of professional considerations? Should people just avoid dating grad students in their own program (ex. MPPs but not MPAs)? Does it matter by program level because of the potential for students to be your close colleagues? (terminal masters - may interact with some day vs. PhD very likely to see again)

From previous graduate experiences, I've seen:

1. Cautionary tales: the serial dater who makes her way through 1/3 of the student body and gets a bad reputation; the couple that dramatically breaks up RIGHT before finals and bombs; the guy that cheats on his wife with a fellow grad and gets divorced; the guy who employs predatory-like dating techniques and is labeled the village douche

2. Abstainers: I've also seen people so focused on their work or determined to always remain 'professional' that they won't date at all during grad school or vow not to date ppl in their program because the potential for future complications (see cautionary tales). Some were respected for it and some were negatively viewed as over intense and incapable of seeking fulfillment outside their studies.

3. Happy endings: I have also seen some people meet through grad school and marry or start a strong LTR

So is it off limits?

Is it more about the way you go about it?

Are the rules different for men and women? (whether fair or not)

How would you view someone who did or did not date? (assuming they were single of course!)

What are your thoughts??

[AdvicePlease! Funded vs. MAYBE funded]

So I've seen variations of this on forums, but was hoping that because it is late in the cycle people who had similiarly difficult decisions could share their wisdom or any regrets.

I was accepted into Program 1 with almost full funding.

Also accepted into Program 2 and recommended for TA position. However, I have to wait for TA position approval and I do not know the funding amount if it is approved.

The deadline to accept the first offer will very, very likely come before I get more info on the second. (Request to extend acceptance deadline was denied )

The thing is, if I got the same funding from both, I'd choose Program 2.

I want to handle this as professionally as possible. I am also aware how fortunate I am to be in this position and that others could possibly get whatever funding I turn down. For that reason, I am very reluctant to accept and the first offer and later rescind (someone could not accept admission bc of lack of funding in the meantime!). But on the other hand, I could end up with nothing

What would you do it my situation?

How would you handle it as professionally as possible?

Has anyone heard of being recommended for a TA position but not being approved?

Also, I have about 3 days to decide.

[Masters in International Affairs or Law school?]

I actually know someone who took one of those routes: lower ranked LS, transfered into higher ranked LS, getting LLM in IL at Georgetown. He now has a breadth of great credentials and work experiences and secured a great job with the government. It was a great decision for what he wants to do.

That being said, Oregangal is very right. Know what you want to do, and if you cannot be super specific (which is understandable), consider the path that opens more oppurtunities.

Also, a heads up about lower ranked LSs: Some, not all, are more lenient with admission but then try to keep up their bar passage and job placement rates by mandating tight grading curves and thus 'failing out' students. I have no doubt you're capable of getting to the top of your class, but be sure to research exactly how to play and win the LS 'game' (hint: it's more than hard work). I've seen some very smart students work very hard but not do as well as they could have because they were unaware of what exactly was expected of them.

And the AU program sounds great, but I would check because I have never seen a JD joint degree program that takes less than 4 years.