Some thoughts, partly to expand on what leee said:
-I'd leave out any autobiographical data unless it is *essential* for understanding your work.
-Get more particular and vivid in your language. Avoid simple declarative statements. You're not going to convince anyone that this is your destiny just by saying that it is. You'll convince them by showing how engaged, thoughtful & energetic you are with your own ideas and methods. Saying "_____ interests me" does not tell us how or why.
-Saying that your work merges physical representation and a concept: this applies to pretty much *all* art, no? Also, when you say "the underlining inspiration of my creativity comes from the culture of my surroundings," this could mean anything.
-Demonstrate awareness of the world outside your work -- art history, ideas from other fields, whatever -- and how you connect to it. You do this a bit with music, but I can't tell if you want us to view *all* your work through this lens, or if it was just a one-time influence.
-Start with a punchy & dramatic opening sentence to engage us right away.