Dealing with Rejections & "The Process"

[archangel_]

Is anyone else struggling this season? Because this whole process has me racing headfirst into the flaming sun of struggle, self-doubt, and what--the-hell-was-I-thinking.

I know we've still got a decent stretch of time from now to the end of results, but I'm already feeling an uncomfortable dissonance between what all "this" is - the MFA application process, the weird tense social networks that have risen up in response to it - and the magic of writing, of thinking I am a "writer", of wanting to be a part of "the writing world".

And it's not just the rejections. Not really. Of course, the rejections are hard, even when I think I'm mentally prepared for it. I mean, I knew exactly the odds of this crazy race, right? MFA programs are the most selective graduate programs out there. Someone told me before this process began that by the time the whole thing was finished, it would feel as much like entering a lottery as submitting work for fair judgment. But it's still miserable to keep hearing no, even considering that it's not necessarily because my quality wasn't up to snuff (but it could have been not quite up to snuff, that could have been it) or that I don't have potential (I very well could not have potential, my life dream might be a delusion, who knows) or that my style isn't what they were looking for this year (and might not be what they're looking for next year, or the year after that, or) or some other uncontrollable factor I have no part in as a writer who wrote a thing and asked to be accepted based on the thing. Even knowing all that, and knowing that the cycle of rejection is part of the life of any artist in the world today and I probably should buck the hell up and get used to it, it's pretty discouraging.

So, yeah. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I'm failing spectacularly at not taking this personally. I'm having a really tough time separating what writing has given me all this time - the feeling that I am alive when I write - and this system. Even with all that rational thought and the statistics in front of me, my overly sensitive ass is over here taking it personally and doubting myself left and right. It doesn't matter how we're supposed to be taking these rejections on paper, because I'm still up in my head wondering how I thought I was going to make this work. What's wrong with my work? What's wrong with me? Am I actually good at writing? Do I have potential? What was I not "enough" of to not make it into this program? What was I "too much" of? Am I ready to commit to the struggle of trying to make it in writing without going through the MFA trajectory? Can I do this for however many more years without having a nervous breakdown? That last one was slight hyperbole. Slight. But you get the idea.

All that said, I know this week is when most of the big guns start firing, and I've heard back from a few (I'm sure you can guess what they said). Even if there is a silver lining to all this, the meantime has been pretty awful and I feel like a total weakling for letting any of this bother me. So:

Is anyone else having a hard time this season?

What are you doing to not internalize all the rejection?

How do you reconcile your love of writing with not getting through the big pearly gates of literary career heaven?

[rooguild]

First of all, it's not over til it's over-- this season may still surprise you. 

That said, it's normal to apply multiple times. MFA applications are like anything-- they get easier, less emotionally taxing, and more polished with time and practice. As you said, applying to fully-funded MFAs is like playing a lottery of good timing, luck, and subjectivity. In all likelihood, there's no discernible thing "wrong" with you or your work, and there's no way you can calibrate your application one way or another to make it a "sure thing." Case in point: this is my second year applying after getting 4 waitlists and 3 rejections last year. I composed what I thought was a much stronger application and applied to all those schools that waitlisted me, as well as some new ones. This season, I was accepted at schools that I thought were complete reaches, but haven't gotten into a single school that waitlisted me. If this were purely about skill, that wouldn't make any sense!

But I feel you. Applying to MFAs and getting no acceptances is brutal, no way around it. But I try to keep in mind some advice that an old writing teacher told me, which is that being an artist is more about endurance than skill. Lots of talented, skilled people get discouraged early on and pursue other careers; and likewise, lots of super-successful people never had some secret reserve of great talent, they just never relented. Think of this as a kind of kiln or trial to get through-- one that will sharpen your intentions, build your work ethic, and earn you respect later on. Maybe another comfort is that there is literally no downside to waiting longer before you get your MFA. You'll only become a stronger writer and become better-situated to take advantages of an MFA's opportunities.

If writing is magic for you, then you already have what you need. If writing is magic, then it's worth enduring for. I'm not worried for you-- the people I'd be concerned about are those who never felt any magic in the first place!

[StarryNight_1]

1 hour ago, archangel_ said:

Is anyone else struggling this season? Because this whole process has me racing headfirst into the flaming sun of struggle, self-doubt, and what--the-hell-was-I-thinking.

I know we've still got a decent stretch of time from now to the end of results, but I'm already feeling an uncomfortable dissonance between what all "this" is - the MFA application process, the weird tense social networks that have risen up in response to it - and the magic of writing, of thinking I am a "writer", of wanting to be a part of "the writing world".

And it's not just the rejections. Not really. Of course, the rejections are hard, even when I think I'm mentally prepared for it. I mean, I knew exactly the odds of this crazy race, right? MFA programs are the most selective graduate programs out there. Someone told me before this process began that by the time the whole thing was finished, it would feel as much like entering a lottery as submitting work for fair judgment. But it's still miserable to keep hearing no, even considering that it's not necessarily because my quality wasn't up to snuff (but it could have been not quite up to snuff, that could have been it) or that I don't have potential (I very well could not have potential, my life dream might be a delusion, who knows) or that my style isn't what they were looking for this year (and might not be what they're looking for next year, or the year after that, or) or some other uncontrollable factor I have no part in as a writer who wrote a thing and asked to be accepted based on the thing. Even knowing all that, and knowing that the cycle of rejection is part of the life of any artist in the world today and I probably should buck the hell up and get used to it, it's pretty discouraging.

So, yeah. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I'm failing spectacularly at not taking this personally. I'm having a really tough time separating what writing has given me all this time - the feeling that I am alive when I write - and this system. Even with all that rational thought and the statistics in front of me, my overly sensitive ass is over here taking it personally and doubting myself left and right. It doesn't matter how we're supposed to be taking these rejections on paper, because I'm still up in my head wondering how I thought I was going to make this work. What's wrong with my work? What's wrong with me? Am I actually good at writing? Do I have potential? What was I not "enough" of to not make it into this program? What was I "too much" of? Am I ready to commit to the struggle of trying to make it in writing without going through the MFA trajectory? Can I do this for however many more years without having a nervous breakdown? That last one was slight hyperbole. Slight. But you get the idea.

All that said, I know this week is when most of the big guns start firing, and I've heard back from a few (I'm sure you can guess what they said). Even if there is a silver lining to all this, the meantime has been pretty awful and I feel like a total weakling for letting any of this bother me. So:

Is anyone else having a hard time this season?

What are you doing to not internalize all the rejection?

How do you reconcile your love of writing with not getting through the big pearly gates of literary career heaven?

Hey! 
The anticipatory anxiety is terrible. The reality of rejection, worse. The truth is, we're all going to feel this is the end of the world. Applications take a lot from us, but they give you a sense of clarity. Polishing your statement of purpose is just another way of articulating your dreams and demons better. Another part of the aforementioned truth, the more important part rather, is that it isn't the end of the world. 
Would you stop writing if you didn't get accepted? Was writing conditional to acceptances to institutions? 
I doubt it. 
It's bloody difficult, but trust me, things work out. I wish you the best and hope to hear some good news from you

[REEEEEEE]

Hey @archangel_  I woke up reading this post, wondering if I wrote it at night but forgot it because I feel exactly like you do.

I agree everything @rooguild @StarryNight_1 said. But I can't help refresh the gradcafe to check others' results, even it makes me super anxious cause if I don't, I feel even worse. So I make some rules for myself. Every day I try to only check the page for twice and do my other things to distract me. 

I feel the same that the whole process lets me doubt if I should continue pursuing literary writing because it really stresses me out, although I enjoy writing. It is the application, personal statement and having to bother my previous teachers for letters trouble me a lot. But the world runs in its own way, applications are everywhere. I'm also a screenwriter, I applied to a butch of Hollywood contests last year (of course a lot of them require PS and a lot script related documents) but only entered a semi final of one contest. Plus English is my second language, writing anything is not easy for me. 

Personally, I guess every writer has certain level of self doubt, but we have to handle it and live with it. I just want you know there are a lot others like you out there struggling what you are suffering. My favorite screenwriting teacher once said "I've never seen any writer with talent and dedication hasn't achieved anything." So I hope all of the writers who take writing seriously could achieve something. Good luck to us all.

[StarryNight_1]

I dont know but im just preparing myself for the worst 

I'll be devastated but what can I do

[exvat]

I feel you. It's an extremely stressful, prolonged waiting game.

This is my first time applying to MFAs, and I only applied to 4 very high-profile schools in places where I'd want to live. One of them is a looming ghost of a rejection (acceptances have already gone out); my top choice started calling the accepted yesterday (no call yet); the other two should start calling any day now. The stress threatens to overwhelm, so I distract myself by going to the gym, hiking, meeting with friends, playing video games, and generally practicing the Parks & Rec motto of "treat yoself."

Oh, and generating new work. I can't stress enough how much I agree with previous posters, that this is the key to success in the arts! Define "success" how you will, but if practicing your passion while still being able to pay the rent is "success," then it should be relatively easy for those who are driven, passionate, and dedicated. Some of my favorite work that I've ever written came out of me within the two months after submitting MFA applications. While those incredible poems didn't make it into the writing samples, they will end up being published somewhere great (he says with zero proof and zero consequences), and if I don't get accepted to any of the 4 programs I applied to this year, they will end up in a truly outstanding writing sample next year. And you know what? I have gained more self-knowledge and craft skill from pouring myself into my work post-applications than I have in a long, long time. Perhaps more so than my last writers' conference.

Regarding "competitiveness" and being "the right fit," I'll also add that I only somewhat even believe in the former, but 100% believe in the latter.

I have an MS in a hard science from a very respected institution, been published in one of the "top three" (whatever that means; I'm parroting critics here) poetry magazines in America, attended many weeklong writing workshops, been a poetry reader for a major American litmag, and have recommendation letters from a National Book Award winner and a National Book Critics Circle Award winner (who only got into Iowa on his second try). I also think my writing sample is pretty bomb. Now, here's how I view my subjective "competitiveness": it's subjective. I'm sure the applicant pools are full of people with my credentials, and many with significantly "more," just as I'm sure there are plenty with "fewer" credentials. That's less concerning or important to me than realizing that each program has a culture, an agenda, and a literary style. I've had to throw away considerations of "top ranked" and "most prestigious" when honestly assessing where I'd be happy in an MFA program. I'll likely get a rejection from Iowa in the coming days, and I'm A-OK with that, because I realize (now, only after applying) that I'm not a good fit there. I think I'd be miserable there. My poems are nothing like anything I've seen from their graduates, and their emphases in scholarship and academia are not in line with my overall goals.

While the admissions process is laughably imperfect, and obviously mercurial, I do have some faith in their ability to weed out "poor fits" for their programs. And, frustrating as it can be at times, I have honestly come to appreciate it. Maybe my (likely) impending rejection letter from my top choice will have little to do with my being a proper fit for that program, and more to do with the sheer number of "good fits" (of which I'd ostensibly be one), and their simple inability to admit or waitlist all of them. Nothing personal, just numbers. Do this hurt to imagine? Hells yes. But it's how I know I care. It's how I know what's important to me, so that I can continue to devote myself further.

The last thing I'll add is that, after having a career for 8 years in a field completely unrelated to writing or the humanities, I've decided--if I don't get into an MFA program--to quit that career and move to New York City, a place where I can find and immerse myself in a literary community that fosters and strengthens my craft. It took me a decade to admit to myself how important poetry is to me (not to mention a decade to actually get good at it), so I'm done messing around. I can pay the bills one way or another, just like I have previously, but this time it's going to be in a place where I can do it as a member of an artistic community. Which is exactly what I'm looking for in an MFA program.

All that being said: I've made some difficult but important choices for my own artistic endeavors, which result in a win-win, even if I'm rejected from every program I applied to this year. Is that my preferred outcome? No. Will that seriously hurt? Yes. But I'll make the move anyway; build my own community anyway; and reapply in the fall.

Best of luck to you, and I sincerely hope you can overcome your self-doubts. If you truly love the art and the work it requires, you will succeed, even if it means more rejection letters. This is coming from a guy who has "rejected" his own art for many years, and after having finally "accepted" it, is more empowered to take the reins himself, to be the poet he wants to be, regardless of what some admissions panels think. This perspective is difficult to find and hold onto on February 28, but when it can be obtained, it is all the affirmation I need.

[Jay S]

I really appreciate the thoughts that have been shared in this forum. The primary post virtually explains exactly how I feel, at this point. This is my first year to apply to any MFA program, and I have applied to six: all fully funded programs at big time Southern schools. I knew that the odds of acceptance were slim at any one of those places, but managed to convince myself that I would get into at least one of them. Now, I find myself taking all of this much too personally--something that I swore I would not do--and feeling frankly overwhelmed with anxiety and dread. Am I, then, actually a bad writer? Despite the assurances to the contrary of my spouse and friends? After all, they are not exactly unbiased, where I am concerned.

I do feel the magic, where writing is concerned, but perhaps what I feel does not necessarily translate into good writing. If so, then I am screwed. All of my eggs are in one basket, as it were.

The one surprising thing I have learned during these past several months is that while I consider myself primarily a fiction writer, and a casual sometimes poet--I find myself envying those who have been accepted into MFA programs as poetry 'majors'.  And I find myself writing more poetry than prose. Perhaps I need to rethink my assumptions about my own writing. Am I actually more of a poet than a novelist? If so, then I will have learned something valuable, after all, during this excruciating process.