Anxious about a close friend transfering to another uni because of depression

[Guest Chiper91]

So I have a close friend in my program. We just passed our comprehensive exams. I recently learned that she has decided to transfer to another university in order to change the setting with hopes to mitigate her academic anxiety/ depression and loneliness. It all started when after the last course was done, we individually started preparing for our comps. Mostly isolated, I believe all of us developed depression, anxiety and eating disorder. No communicating with each other and not knowing that it was that bad for my friend, I really though everything has ok. It turns out it was very bad for her and without seeking help she started applying to out of state and overseas grad schools in hopes that a new setting will mitigate this depression and anxiety.

In my opinion, changing schools won't help much as any grad school environment fosters stress which leads to anxiety, depression etc. In this case, it will also add homesickness and other issues related to moving to another state or even country where the established support is not there yet. Also, not only will it make her start everything from scratch, it may also require her to take up large amounts of debt to pay for tuition as some overseas schools don't offer waivers. I am anxious about her leaving because it may make things even worse. Honestly, I think that her circumstances could be mitigated by just more socialization and perhaps some counselling.  I tried to suggest different pros and cons of changing programs but ultimately it's her decision. I am think that this is more of an overkill and ultimately won't fix much.

What do you think of this situation and is anything wrong with me being worried about my friend?

[ZeChocMoose]

1 hour ago, Chiper91 said:

What do you think of this situation and is anything wrong with me being worried about my friend?

We all want what is best for our friends especially when we think that they are making choices that are going to make their situation worse not better for them.  Since you mentioned that you have already talked to her about the pros and cons of changing programs and it presumably did not change her mind - I think that is all you can do.  She knows your opinion on the matter and she is choosing to change programs because of valid reasons to her. Perhaps they are not logical or make no sense or aren't going to work.  But like you have said, it's her life and it's her choice to make.

While I don't think there is anything wrong about being worried about your friend, I do think you need to respect what her decision is and stop trying to get her to see your point of view/change her mind/etc. It wasn't clear from your post whether it was one discussion or multiple discussions that you kept on having with her. If it is multiple conversations, you need to drop it. Ultimately, she doesn't need your permission to change programs and trying to convince her that she is wrong and you are right may drive a wedge in your friendship. Instead, I would ask what she needs to help her with the transition.

[Guest Chiper91]

Thank you for your insight. We only had one conversation and I am not planning on talking with her about this topic anymore. It will just cause more stress and may indeed ruin our friendship. 

[fuzzylogician]

Seconding the above. All you can do is offer your friend your support. If you have that kind of relationship, you could also offer her your thoughts on the topic, but really the best that you can do is support her, especially if you think that one thing she's missing is socializing and a network of friends.It sounds like you've already tried to tell her what you think. I don't think there's much more that you can do other than continuing to be there for her. You may be right that it won't be the right solution, but frankly you don't know. For some people, bad experiences can become associated with the places where they happened, so going away could be a big help, even if it does mean taking a step back professionally. Ultimately, you have to trust that your friend knows herself and what's best for her. Just be there for her and help her through this tough time. 

[Sigaba]

It is going to take you a while to heal from quals/comps. IMO, your own recovery should be your priority.

I recommend that you have a conversation with yourself, @chiper91, IRT the extent to which you both can and want to support her transition to another school. If the best you can do is an offer along the lines of "let me know if I can help you pack for a couple of hours," you'll have done plenty.