I need help surviving my PhD

[HighHopes92]

I'm 11 months left from the deadline for the delivery of my thesis. 
I started this topic with high enthusiasm and hopes to change the world. Don't we all? But my supervisor and moving countries crushed a lot of those dreams. I ended up with an existential crisis, more stress that I could handle that wiped away my entire interest in the area. Thankfully, I got a new advisor who is far more supportive, but stil, very much hands off my project for the most part.

At this point, I just want to get the PhD and be out of this field for good. My motivation is as dry as Texas. I go to work every day and stare at my computer with a mountain of work to do and I just don't want to do any of it because I'm simply *done*. I push through it in spikes when I can find the motivation for it, and it's how I get by. But for the most part, I'm simply too... Depressed? Sad? Unmotivated? To do anything about it anymore. 

I've also started enjoying life less. My time with my friends is not enjoyable. I don't sleep very well either - haven't for the last 4 years. I live alone, and the silence is killing me too. There are times when I feel such intense despair, that the thought of dying feels like relief. To someone terribly afraid of death, this thought is quite terrifying.

It seems to me this is the path that leads to suicide a few years down the road. And I don't want that.

I just received an email, on a Sunday evening, from an editor, asking me to change the header for my paper by tomorrow. You'd think I should be able to let it go and not do it RIGHT NOW on a Sunday evening, right? But no. I can't let it go. I broke down in tears and I'm writing this now.

Please offer any advice. Any validation. I'm as desperate as desperate gets...

[Eillac]

Thank you for reaching out. Sometimes that's the hardest part. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life, and it has only been amplified by graduate school and my divorce. Even though I am in a much better place now, depression and suicidal thoughts still creep back in my mind, and that is okay.

I can tell you what I did to  my depression, but there may be other options depending on your situation. I spoke with a therapist for several months, which helped me open up to my friends and family about my depression. Sometimes having a non-judgmental ear to listen to your problems and offer advice and perspective really helps. I don't know about your living situation, but getting a cat really helped me, because I had someone else to care for and that depended on me getting up in the morning. Normalizing your depression may also help - many many graduate students suffer from depression, so you may be able to develop a support network with other students. Does your university offer counseling or a graduate student support group that you could attend? Alternatively, is it possible for you to take a leave of absence? You need to listen to yourself and your body and do what is best for you.

 

[Hope.for.the.best]

13 hours ago, HighHopes92 said:

I'm 11 months left from the deadline for the delivery of my thesis. 
I go to work every day and stare at my computer with a mountain of work to do and I just don't want to do any of it because I'm simply *done*. 

I've also started enjoying life less. My time with my friends is not enjoyable. I don't sleep very well either - haven't for the last 4 years. I live alone, and the silence is killing me too. 

Please offer any advice. Any validation. I'm as desperate as desperate gets...

I hear you. I have gone through a terribly stressful time leading up to the completion of my PhD. Even though I was not depressed, I got a lot of anxiety, due to the seemingly unachievable deadline and two toxic advisors. I too just wanted to get the hell out of it. Feel free to read my previous posts if you are interested. 

I second the above advice that you should go to your school counsellor. Or call a local mental health helpline. It would also help if you can talk to friends /family members who have gone through the PhD journey. They cannot help you to finish your PhD, but an understanding ear is all you need for a tough time like this. 

Looking at your post, I have a few other suggestions. 

(1) Work out a timetable for the next 11 months to complete your thesis, e.g. finish all analysis by Nov 2018, finish chapters 1 and 2 by Dec 2018. Agree with your advisor a feedback and turnaround schedule. This way, you put things into perspectives, so you feel less overwhelmed. 

(2) Try your best to take the weekends off. You don't have to go and hang out with your friends if you don't feel like to, although it would be good if you can. Sometimes, even staying at home and doing nothing can help switch your mind off. You can turn some soothing music on if you don't like the silence at your home. Remember, you simply can't work 24/7.

(3) Prioritise sleep. Write a feasible to-do list for each day and stop all work 2 hours before you go to bed. Do something relaxing like meditation. For me, a hot shower is what it takes to get me ready for sleep. There are a lot of strategies for a good night sleep online. If you have tried hard but you still can't sleep well, you should consult your doctor. 

(4) You have not mentioned anything about diet, but it is also important that you eat well. A balanced diet is key for functioning. 

Feel free to write back/pm me if you want to chat more. Wish you all the best! 

[Cheshire_Cat]

Like others have said; go see a councilor. Usually you can see one for free at your school. Second, go out and do things. Go to the park. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Join a group for people who share your interests. 

Third, get excited about your future, or something that you can do/get when you are done.

Edited November 18, 2018 by Cheshire_Cat