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Cheshire_Cat

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About Cheshire_Cat

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    Macchiato

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  • Program
    Ph.D-Social Sciences

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  1. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    I finally found a mobile vet who put her down on Friday. She had lots of banana and I held her for about 30 minutes before she was put down. At this point, she couldn't even really hold herself up, but still had her personality and wanted to eat banana and give me kisses. She fell asleep while eating banana and then vet put her down, so it was very peaceful.
  2. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    My eldest pet is dying. She is a 13.5 year old bunny and a "heart" pet. And she has been dying for a few weeks, but it is getting worse. She can't get up anymore. I need to put her down, but there isn't a vet near me that does euthanasia on rabbits, and I don't want her last hours to be spent stressed out in the car. This is the most frustrating and heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced. I've had pets die before, but not recently, and never a pet I've loved so much. Oh, and I propose for my dissertation in two weeks. Fun times.
  3. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    I had a few years working in the real world, and six months or so were really rough. But grad school isn't all it's cracked up to be either. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be here than at my old firm, but there were a couple of rough years. And at this point I'm doing what faculty do and just not getting paid for it.
  4. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    This was one of the hardest things for me about going to grad school. I worked for a few years and had an envied professional certification, and now I'm a "student" again? Yeah, no. I think it is especially hard when you are younger because you haven't been a "real adult" for long. And now it seems like its being taken away. But as the years have passed, I've gotten over it. My parents' friends still think I'm in grad school because I couldn't find a job and are very surprised when I tell them I have the certification I do. But its whatever. If I'm feeling insecure I just tell people I'm a college instructor (because I am) and leave it at that. A year from now I'll be Dr. CheshireCat and they'll all be super amazed, as if it came out of nowhere, haha.
  5. Cheshire_Cat

    The Positivity Thread

    Both of my projects have significant, interesting results! I have friends to drink wine and watch Harry Potter with on a Friday night.
  6. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    My dissertation proposal is in 4 weeks. I'm avoiding writing on my paper because I'm scared and nervous and I don't feel like I'm good enough. I already presented my idea to the faculty and they loved it and gave me suggestions on my design rather than my theory because they found my theory believable. I got results for my pilot. All that is left is the writing and the actual proposal defense. This is all in my head and I know I'll pass. But I has all the feels I was warned about. This is normal. I just need to crawl in a hole for a few weeks and then I'll be back to my regularly sponsored, happy self.
  7. Cheshire_Cat

    Quiet/Shy/Socially Anxious in Academia

    Alcohol. Lots of alcohol... Just kidding! Haha! Don't do that! I am a Ph.D student, going into my fifth year, and I am very quiet and self-contained. I barely even spoke to my family until I was almost 20. People don't point out that I'm quiet much anymore, but they used to do so all the time. I would just smile, because its true, and I don't think it is a bad thing, most of the time. My heart still races when I raise my hand in workshops. It's been four years, you would think I'd get over it by now, but I haven't. One thing that has helped is that my dissertation chair also has introvert tendencies. He also doesn't speak up in workshops often. I was in his presentation at a major conference once and he barely looked up from the floor the entire time and his arms were crossed the whole time. But he has coauthors who he works with and he is very well respected in the community. So I know if he can do it, I can do it too. As for conferences and other situations when you need to interact with people, the key to being interesting is to be interested. I am a great listener. I do go up and introduce myself to people, and then I mostly listen to them talk, with a few interjections so they know I'm interested in what they are saying. And I almost always have people to talk/listen to because of it. Overall, give yourself a break. Try not to worry as much about sounding stupid or looking goofy. And realize that you aren't perfect, but no one expects you to be. But don't give up on trying to better yourself. It isn't a paradox to love yourself for who you are while also realizing that you have areas you can improve on in your life. And there are very few jobs that don't require communication with other people, so it is important to try to do as well as you can at it.
  8. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    I totally agree. And research has shown that work deteriorates after 40 hours. My apartment being clean and taking the time to prepare good food does wonders for my mental health and productivity. Occasionally there is a rush, the first two weeks and the last two weeks of a semester are usually hell, but for the most part I try to keep a good, sustainable lifestyle. I think we in academia seem to think that if our lives aren't insane then we aren't working hard enough, and we have to prove we are actually doing something since we don't go to a 9-5 job, but this ends in burnout.
  9. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    Understandable. When I graduated, I listened to the song "Rivers and Roads" on repeat for like six months. Also, even when you go to grad school, you will always have a special place in your heart for your undergrad institution. And I'm really glad I have that, because my graduate institution has been a nightmare, haha!
  10. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    So.. I got significant results from my dissertation pilot. But now I'm super nervous I did something wrong and the results are bs. Or, if I got results from such a small sample, has someone else done it and my idea not have tension? Or the sample is an outlier. What did I confound to get these results? What did I screw up? There is no way I got lucky and the results just worked out when the Ph.D students in the cohort ahead of me didn't. Especially on the first try. They are way smarter than I. My dissertation proposal is in five weeks and it is going to be brutal, I'm sure. And, what if they make me change something and it ruins my results. (It's what we call a mediator, I guess) IDK if this is just impostor syndrome or what. But I'm really nervous now and spending too much time re-running my tests to make sure I did them properly. Anyways, that's what I'm feeling. Also feeling old because I'm about to be in my 5th year of the Ph.D progam and now everyone on here are newbies, haha!
  11. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    Hello Imposter Syndrome. Fancy seeing you here... In better news, I'm about to propose for my dissertation.
  12. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    Totally fucked up an experiment today. I mean, it was rough. I coded something wrong and part of the experiment was ruined. So I'm mad at myself for that. But even if there hadn't been an error on my part, the program crashed and the data was unrecoverable. Ugh!!
  13. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    So ready to be done!! I feel like I am always the odd one out because everyone else speaks Chinese and I don't. So they leave me out of things so they can go off and not have to speak English. One girl tries, but as soon as another Asian comes around it's like I don't even exist. I wouldn't mind a little, but it is all the time. I'm tired of feeling this way. I have friends outside of school, but I although I am friendly with people here, I'm not part of any clique and the rest of everyone is cliquish. Its been this way the entire time I've been in the program, but it still kinda sucks. Imagine working somewhere for four years and not having any friends there. This is why I've stopped coming to campus.
  14. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    I have a bunny who is 13 years old. Bunnies usually only live 8-10 years, so she's really old. She is blind and has mobility issues, and has started to not use the litterbox anymore. And I'm just sad and frustrated, and I hate this slow fade. She is a heart-pet and I love her. I've had her since highschool and now I'm a year from graduating from the Ph.D. program. And I don't know when I should let her go. And thinking about end-of-life measures just makes me cry. This is frustrating. Also, I'm in this little tiny apartment and it smells like pee constantly. And I have to get her special care and worry about her if I leave on vacation. I know she isn't going to be around much longer and I'm sad, but I'm also conflicted because it's going to be a relief not to have that ambiguity and worry about the situation. And my friends don't understand. None of them are pet people, and they think making rabbit stew jokes is funny. Hint- it's not! I don't act annoyed about it because I don't want to be 'that' friend who gets upset about jokes, but I'm not going to get any emotional support there.
  15. Cheshire_Cat

    Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

    Just feeling lonely. Probably because I haven't spoken to anyone other than my apartment manager and parents since Saturday... I'm not teaching or taking classes this semester. First time ever. I should probably make sure I have some social interaction with someone other than my mentor, lol.
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