Review for General GRE Analytical writing

[mystique00713]

Could someone please review my practice writing for the analyze the arugment tasks? I really need some pointers. Thanks

Argument: Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean. 
  
Task: Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument. 
 
   The author's augment that Palean baskets are not uniquely Palean is not fully supported by the evidence given. It is stated that woven baskets with a "particular distinctive pattern" previously found in only the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea were also found Lithos which is across the Brim River.  The author's  assumes that because of the depth and width of the river the only way for the Palean people to cross is by boat, disregarding any other means of travel that may have gotten the baskets to Lithos. 
     The author also uses the lack of Palea boats found by archaeologist  at the time as another way to support their argument that Palean people could not have crossed the river to Lithos.  The fact that archaeologist did not find boats in Palea does not mean that the Palean people did not build boats. Nor does it support the assumptions that the author makes  which is the Paleans could not have crossed the Brim river.   The lack of boats found in Palea simply means that the boats are not in Palea, but it does not mean they cannot be anywhere else.  
     If the author could provide evidence such as archeological finding of the same woven baskets in other prehistoric towns from different groups of people perhaps this could  strengthen their argument.  

[dkhp124]

This was posted a few days ago, so maybe this is too late of a feedback, but I just saw this so I'll give you some feedback anyway. 

I'll start with the things that are easier to fix in your writing. First, you have to proofread. Little errors here and there are not going to affect your overall mark, but there are way too many grammatical and spelling errors here and this quality will surely negatively affect your score. The errors I point out and my edits are underlined for your reference.

On 11/12/2018 at 11:19 PM, mystique00713 said:

   The author's augment that Palean baskets are not uniquely Palean is not fully supported by the evidence given. It is stated that woven baskets with a "particular distinctive pattern" previously found in only the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea were also found Lithos which is across the Brim River.  The author's  assumes that(comma) because (there should be a comma there) of the depth and width of the river (comma) the only way for the Palean people to cross is by boat, disregarding any other means of travel that may have gotten the baskets to Lithos. 
     The author also uses the lack of Palea(n) boats found by archaeologist(s)  at the time as another way to support their argument that (the) Palean people could not have crossed the river to Lithos.  The fact that archaeologist(s) did not find boats in Palea does not mean that the Palean people did not build boats. Nor does it support the assumptions that the author makes (comma) which is (that) the Paleans could not have crossed the Brim river.   The lack of boats found in Palea simply means that the boats are(were) not in Palea, but it does not mean they cannot be anywhere else.  
     If the author could provide evidence such as archeological finding of the same woven baskets in other prehistoric towns from different groups of people(comma) perhaps this could  strengthen their argument.  

Second, the essay is way too short. You need to develop each of your points more with counterexamples and stronger explanation. At the current stage, this essay would likely receive somewhere around 3-3.5 if the grader is generous.

An easy to way to fix this is by practicing essay structure. A simple formula to follow is:

Intro (where you re-state what the author argues and what evidences the author cites, and why those evidences are inadequate for his claim, and what kinds of evidence he might need to provide if he wants to make his argument more convincing)

[First,] then talk about one type of evidence he can provide to make his conclusion that one can only cross the Brim River with a boat. An example of a hypothetical evidence might be something like, maybe the Paleans did not have boats but they used other mechanisms to cross the river. Or maybe there was a trade route that went around the river by land, so that they didn't have to cross the river by boat. OR, you can also argue that the lack of presence of boats might be because those boats were destroyed years later. In that case, the author would have to show other corroborating evidence that concretizes the claim that the Paleans did not have access across the river by boats.

[Moreover,] maybe the Paleans in fact DIDN'T have boats, but maybe the people of Lithos did. In this case, you can expand on this by showing that, if the author can also provide evidence that, not only did the Paleans not have boats, but other villages also did not have access to Palea by boats, then the author's argument would be made stronger. That's another evidence the author can provide to make his case stronger.

[Finally,] and make another point here about the weakness of his evidences for his conclusion, and what kind of evidence he might need to make his argument stronger. Remember, the essay is about analyzing the evidence that the author provided for his argument. Your job is to show how the evidence he's provided either weakens or strengthens his case, and what kinds of evidence he might need to further provide in order to actually make his conclusion more convincing.

Then always end with a conclusion.

Now, about your response essay itself: Your conclusion doesn't seem very well connected to the previous points you were making. The points you've been making up until the conclusion were that, despite what the author says, the Paleans may have had ways of getting across the Brim River. It's a sudden shift in the conclusion to say that showing that these baskets existed in other societies outside of Palea and Lithos makes the author's argument stronger. You want to make sure your essay is consistent from beginning to end.

Also, you might want to reconsider that last conclusion because, if the baskets were found in other societies, it still doesn't negate the possibility that it is uniquely Palean. The fact that getting across the River to Lithos was a challenge for the Paleans doesn't mean that their connection with other villages also had the same challenges. Maybe Palea had easier access to another village than to Lithos. I would probably argue that, if the author was able to show that, aside from the lack of presence of boats, Palea was also a completely isolated village cut off from all other villages, then that would strengthen his argument.

So just as a quick summary:

1. Make sure you WRITE WRITE WRITE. You want to use up every single second of the test time and jampack as much detail and expansion of your points as possible. You can't just write one sentence or two sentences per point and move on to the next point. Each point you make should take up a paragraph on their own.

2. Keep your essay consistent from the intro to the conclusion. Your intro should state your main point, your 3 body paragraphs should each make a particular point that supports your intro argument, and then your conclusion should be a summary of the previous paragraphs. The conclusion should NOT be introducing some new element of thought into the essay. Also, as much as possible, the examples you use and the points you make should have some level of connection with preceding paragraphs and points. You want to build on previous thought.

Just as a reference, I got a 6 on the writing portion of the GRE. Here's a sample Analyze the Argument essay I wrote for the Princeton Review practice test, which gives you live grading on your essay. I got a 6 on this, so I think this should be somewhat helpful to your writing practice. The results don't show the prompt itself, so I'm just attaching the essay I submitted for your reference. Hope this helps!

You'll notice that my essay is SIGNIFICANTLY longer than yours. Length really matters. Even if you make a few grammatical mistakes and even if you might not feel too confident on the subject, as long as you fit in a lot of words to help make each point as detailed as possible, it goes a long way to helping you. The Princeton Review book (I think) actually talks about how one of the common features of 5.5+ essays is that they're all quite long. 

 

The movie producer makes several assumptions that are not warranted and that require solid substantiation if his argument is to be convincing. First, the producer assumes that the amount of retakes done in commercials are wasteful. Second, even if one were to assume that the produce is correct about the wastefulness of the advertising industry, it is not then clear that the next step which the producer takes in assuming that this particular inexperienced director, due to his background in commercial advertisements, will definitely reflect the trend of the advertising industry's wastefulness is a warranted assumption. And third, the producer assumes that, due to the inexperience of the director, the quality of the film will be directly related to the amount of retakes that the director will undertake. All of these assumptions must be proven true in order for his argument to be convincing.

First, the producer may be missing some crucial information regarding why the advertising industry in particular takes multiple takes after multiple takes. Commercials are inherently short, not usually focused on the artistic expression through the medium of film, and instead focused on selling the product about which the commercial is made, not the commercial itself. As such, the approach to filming commercials may be inherently different to filming movies. It may be plausible that the reason why commercial directors require multiple takes is because the actors themselves are not as talented as A-list actors in movies. It is often the case that commercials hire unknown models and inexperienced and new actors, which may explain why there are multiple takes. In such a case, it may not be the problem of the director at all. Moreover, because the commercials are primarily focused on selling a product rather than artistic expression, it may be that the sales team, the marketing team, and the executive team of the company, may have much more say in the creation of the film, which means that a director will have much more to consider besides artistic creativity in making the commercials. The assumption that the high spending of the advertising industry will also directly translate into the movie making industry due to the director's advertisement background is without sufficient grounds and must be substantiated if it is to be taken seriously.

Second, the producer assumes that a director whose background is in advertisements is also not able to adapt to the new context in which the director will be working. A sufficiently talented director may have no problem adjusting his approach and method in order to fit the context in which he is now in. For example, [took out the name for privacy, but if you can use real life examples, great!] Productions, a very recently founded production company, began with filming wedding videos and music videos before switching to advertisements, and the founder often speaks of the adjustments he has to make in order to accommodate the new purpose of the films. That is, a creative director, whether experienced or inexperienced, will often have the talent to adjust and switch his approach to filming based on what he is filming and for what purpose. The producer's argument seems to neglect the creativity and versatility of advertisement directors.

Lastly, the producer assumes that inexperienced directors will require many takes before creating a quality final product. However, it is not at all clear that the two are directly related. For example, to use the hypothetical situation mentioned above, it may have very well been the case that the many retakes that the director had done in the past were due to feedback and direction of the executive, sales, and marketing teams for which he was working, rather than anything that the director thought was lacking when it comes to the film quality itself. In such a case, on the one hand, it was ultimately the executive/sales/marketing teams' decision to do takes multiple times rather than the choice of the director. On the other hand, even if it was the explicit choice of the director, it may very well have been the fact that the director has to keep in mind many other factors besides telling a compelling story through the medium of film that led to his multiple retakes. Often times, telling a story in a dramatic and highly descriptive and artistic manner does not always translate to the ability to sell a product. The producer has not considered that a director's ability in this new context to focus strictly on creating a compelling story through a medium of the movie may allow the director to be more focused and less reliant on multiple takes. As such, the producer, if his request for 10% increase in budget is to be convincing, must substantiate his assumptions by showing that the particular director has a history of wasteful scene retakes which are not the result of multiple factors outside his control, but rather the result of his own ineptitude.

In conclusion, the producer makes too many unsubstantiated and unwarranted assumptions that are not fair to the director nor convincing to those he would be pitching his 10% increase request. These assumptions must be explicitly stated, then explained and substantiated with evidence before his request can be convincing enough for the studio to provide him with the extra funds.

 

Hope this is helpful and let me know if you have any questions!

[mystique00713]

To dkhp124;

     Thank you for the feedback. I took some of the information that was given here and redid the essay.  If you could continue to give more feedback on what I can improve your help is greatly appreaciated.  I will continue to practice on other prompts. 

Argument: Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.  
 
     In the above argument, the author states, "that  palean baskets are not uniquely palean". However, this statement is not fully supported by the evidence given. First, the author assumes that the Paleans never built boats to cross the river because no boats were found in Palea at that time. Secondly, the author assumes that the only way for the paleans  to cross the Brim river is by boat. Thirdly, the author assumes that because the baskets were found in Lithos they were made in Lithos. These assumptions need to be strongly supported by evidence which the author does not provide, in order for the argument that Palean baskets are not uniquely Palean to be true.   
    First, the assumption that the Paleans never built boats because there were no boats found in Palea, does not rule out with certainty that the Paleans never used boats to cross the Brim river.  There could have been boats found in Lithos that may have been used to cross the Brim river so that the Paleans could trade with the people of Lithos.The palean people could have used the woven baskets to trade with the Lithan people for other goods and that may be the reason why the woven baskets appear in the village of Lithos. If the palean people were able to use boats from Lithos, this would weaken the author's argument.  The argument would be stronger if the author could also provide evidence that there were no boats in Lithos or any village nearby. 
    Secondly, the author assumes that the only way the Paleans could cross the Brim river is by boat.  The author bases his assumption on the width and depth of the Brim river but does not exclude alternative routes that the Paleans could have taken to get to Lithos.  There could have been a road that goes around the Brim river to Lithos from Palea that was used for trade. If this is the case, there could have been opportunities for those  Palean baskets to get to the town of Lithos by a trade road rather than a river. In order for the argument to be stronger, the author would need to rule out alternative routes. 
    Lastly, the author assumes that the baskets found in Lithos where made by the people of Lithos. If along with the finding of the baskets, the author provided evidence that there were raw materials to make the baskets in Lithos or nearby, this could strengthen the author's argument.  However, the author does not provide such evidence to support this assumption.   
    In conclusion, the argument that  "the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean" is not supported by enough evidence by the author to be true.   The author uses the assumptions that the Palean people could not have to cross the river by boat because there was no finding of boats on Palea. Nonetheless, they did not rule out the possibility that the Paleans could be using boats from Lithos. Secondly, the author assumes in the argument that the only way for the Paleans to get across the Brim river is by boat. Yet the author failed to provide evidence that would explain why alternative trade routes would not be used by thePaleans to go to Lithos. Lastly, the author's argument assumes that the baskets found in Lithos were created in Lithos but does not provide evidence to support such a claim. Overall, the author's argument "that Palean baskets are not uniquely Palean"  is not backed by the evidence the author has given in order for the argument to be true.  

[dkhp124]

Much better. Just also as a tip, if you start running out of time, don't worry about reiterating all of your points in the conclusion. You can instead just say something like, "the three points of weakness demonstrated above should show that...."

Best of luck to you! 

[mystique00713]

To dkhp124;

       Thanks again! Continuing to practice.

 

[mystique00713]

To dkhp 124:

      I  wanted to practice analyze the issue. Could you please give me more pointers I could use? Thank you so much.

Topic: To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities. 

  

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position. 

     It would do one well to study major cities because cities are a reflection of the unique aspects in society that is seen in daily life.  Large cities act as epicenters, that influence significant facets of society such as culture, and the economy. Major cities such as New York attract people from all over the world, who bring their own unique traditions that influences the city and society. Wall street in New York city is an epicenter for market and trade reflecting the dynamic trends of the economy of this society. Hence, studying the phenomena in major cities could educate one on the changes occurring in society as a whole. 
      
       Large cities tend to be epicenters of culture that where people are able to gather and share their own unique traditions which influence overall societal life. One example of this is the development of hip hop music. The concept of hiphop music was first developed in the Bronx, a section of New York city, where young people of color came together to express themselves in a form of music and dance. During the 1980's, hiphop was considered a trend of the youth, however, in the 1990's hiphop continued to develop and expand outside of New York City to a larger more diverse audience.  As a result of its versatility  hiphop music was able to be commercialized and now has a significant influence on larger society.  
     In addition, studying the dynamic of larger cities could give on an idea of the general trends of the economy in a society. For instance, in the United States wall street in New York city is a major economic center for stock trade and exchange. In late 2007, the stocks on the New York stock exchange started doing poorly afterwards, the recession 2008 followed that affected the economy dramatically. During this time, the  American economy as a whole slowed down. As a result, there were less jobs available in the market, the housing crisis occurred and the American banks depended on the government to bail them out of bankruptcy.  Today, the stock on the New York stock exchange are doing well and new markets are starting to emerge.   This goes to show that the trends of how well stocks are doing in wall street tend to be an indicator of how the  economy is doing overall in the society. 
         However, there are other facets of a society that are influenced not only by major cities but rural and suburban areas alike. One example is the structure of the federal government. In the legislative branch both in the House of Representatives and the Senate have representation from both major cities and small towns so that all parts of society are represented in the lawmaking process.  
   In conclusion, large cities would be an excellent way to study trends and dynamics of society because changes and influences that occur in major cities are reflected in the whole society.