One of My Recommenders Failed (MTS)

[Xavier27]

I am applying to a school of theology affiliated to a secular university for a Master in Theological Studies (MTS). That degree is for laypeople who want to be leaders in their local churches, activists, chaplains or those interested in academia. The degree is not intended for clergy ordination. Actually, I'm not going to any church but have always wanted to study theology. I chose that particular school of theology because I'm gay and the school is actively involved in social justice advocacy like immigration, LGBTQ rights, racism, etc. I'm actually involved in affordable housing advocacy against gentrification and displacement.

I needed three letters of recommendation from people familiar with my social activism. They could be from religious or non-religious people. I asked three leaders from the community and they agreed. One of those leaders is a member of a church with a policy very common among many churches of "we love gays, but not their sin." I knew that she belongs to that kind of church, but I always felt that she didn't have any problem with my sexual orientation during our work together.

Well, two of the recommenders sent their letters on time before the deadline. The deadline date was on each request. In spite of the fact that I waived my right to see all the letters, both recommenders gave me the chance to know what they wrote before submission. Every time I followed up on the third recommender, she had an excuse like being too busy from work but always assured that she was going to write it.

I followed up the day before the deadline and left a voice mail, but she never replied. I know that people are busy with work and other responsibilities. I know that writing a well-written recommendation takes time and can't be done in a hurry. However, I feel that I gave them enough time. I finally called her the same deadline date and she didn't answer. I submitted my application on time with all the components completed, except for her letter.

I contacted the admissions office to explain my case and ask for an extension. They granted me an extension of 12 days. The admission is rolling. However, there was a deadline date for priority status for financial aid purposes. I wanted to have all ready by that date. Fortunately, I already found another person willing to write the letter and I will follow up diligently as before. 

I don't know what to think about this. Could it be possible that she didn't do it based on her church's teachings? We have an activity to work together on the second Wednesday of February. It will be a very embarrassing encounter for her, not because she didn't write the letter but her unreliability and disappearance. Honestly, I won't talk about the situation unless she do it first to apologize and explain. Who knows if her recommendation was not going to help me anyway, that's not the point. The case is that she didn't keep her word and disappeared despite all my attempts. I wonder what really happenned.

Edited January 21, 2020 by Xavier27

[NTNerd]

I went through something similar...two of my LOR writers submitted their letters about a week after I asked, well before my earliest deadline. My third did not respond to my reminders for about a month, and then a few days before my first deadline she finally responded. She still ended up submitting one of my letters 8 days late. But during that month when she wasn't responded, I also questioned everything....did she actually not like me? Did i offend her in some way to which she no longer wanted to do it?

So I'm really sorry that you had to go through that stressful ordeal, but I'm so glad that you found someone else willing to write the letter. Since she had agreed to write the letter, and since you never got the impression that she had a problem with your sexual orientation, I don't think she flaked because of her church's teaching. LOR writers flaking is actually pretty normal, unfortunately (I discovered this as I was freaking about my unresponsive writer). She probably just got really busy....and then maybe she felt awkward about how to say that she couldn't do it and then just chose to not respond instead. I don't know how academics could be irresponsible in this way, but I hear that profs are actually notorious for stuff like this... 

[xypathos]

Back when I was applying to M* programs I had a LOR writer have a mental breakdown, quit his job, leave his family, and move to Iceland. It was almost two months late but I finally got in that third LOR and fortunately VDS was willing to work with me. As Admissions told me, this (a LOR spacing out) happens a lot and they're pretty liberally willing to work with people.

That said, I'm sorry this happened to you! I'm glad that you found someone willing to step in though!

EDIT: If, and only when, you ever feel comfortable do reach out to them. I'm still in a place of anger with my LOR writer and not able to do that.

Edited January 21, 2020 by xypathos

[Eshearer]

Friend this is one of the most stressful and mental health ravaging things I can think of.  I am so sorry that this happened.  It's very good that you got a back up!

[Xavier27]

Now I feel relief. The recommender that I found last-minute submitted her letter today 6 days after the application deadline. It hasn’t been so bad considering that I got an extension of 12 days to submit that recommendation. The rest of the file was complete on time.

[Xavier27]

On 1/20/2020 at 11:39 PM, NTGal said:

I went through something similar...two of my LOR writers submitted their letters about a week after I asked, well before my earliest deadline. My third did not respond to my reminders for about a month, and then a few days before my first deadline she finally responded. She still ended up submitting one of my letters 8 days late. But during that month when she wasn't responded, I also questioned everything....did she actually not like me? Did i offend her in some way to which she no longer wanted to do it?

So I'm really sorry that you had to go through that stressful ordeal, but I'm so glad that you found someone else willing to write the letter. Since she had agreed to write the letter, and since you never got the impression that she had a problem with your sexual orientation, I don't think she flaked because of her church's teaching. LOR writers flaking is actually pretty normal, unfortunately (I discovered this as I was freaking about my unresponsive writer). She probably just got really busy....and then maybe she felt awkward about how to say that she couldn't do it and then just chose to not respond instead. I don't know how academics could be irresponsible in this way, but I hear that profs are actually notorious for stuff like this... 

UPDATE: I came to receive a reply from my flaky recommender 23 days after the deadline, and it was by Facebook messenger. The message reads: "Please apologize for not completing the recommendation. If you still need it, this is my email address....." I explained that I found another person and the file is complete. She explained that she is not working anymore for the employer to which I sent her the recommendation link by email, and ended giving me some encouraging words. Actions speak louder than nice words after 23 days. Since the beginning, she could have just given me the alternate email address that she gave me now. The only explanation that comes to my mind is that she was suddenly fired. Water under the bridge.