Feel convinced I chose wrong, now what?

[Swello]

Did I choose the wrong grad school?

Hi all, 

I recently applied to MFA programs in art and film. I applied last year and decided not to go. Now when I graduate I will be almost 30. 

I got into all the schools I applied to this year, which felt good at first, including Cranbrook, Stanford film, and U Michigan, all of which are highly ranked schools in art and overall. 

However, I have always had this dream to live in Hawaii, my art centers around the ocean and as a mixed race person I have always felt at home there. U Hawaii at Manoa also has an MFA program, which has very interesting professors, but no reputation to speak of. 

After almost a year or agonizing— should I just spend a measly 2 years getting the best art education available to me, and then plan to move to Hawaii? Or should I do the radical, risky move and go to Hawaii for my art education, which could help establish me there, and let me live in a place I’ve always idealized?

(A side note is that my parents, especially my Chinese immigrant mom, REALLY pushed Stanford. They were so exited I got in and pressured me hard core to go. Unfortunately I was raised more white than Asian and I have historically resisted when my parents try to force me into anything.) 

So I agonized and felt sick and I had to decide this all in the context of the pandemic. Ultimately I chose Hawaii. I thought it was admirable to not choose based on prestige, to follow my dreams, to take a risk. 

However, ever since then I have been wracked with guilt and shame. I turned down Stanford to go to a no name school? Will I regret this for the rest of my life, as my mom threatened? 

There were many factors at play of course, too many to list here. Hawaii actually gave me a great funding package, but the other schools were competitive too. 

I am wondering if you all, perfect strangers, think I made the wrong choice. I have been feeling so low about this that sometimes I even start idealizing hurting or even killing myself. I won’t, I’m just alarmed by the extremity of my reaction to a situation that should be good: I got into all schools and deeply deeply want to go to art school. 

Anyway, any thoughts helpful, I haven’t been able to tell my family or friends or partner how bad I’ve been feeling, because when I do I feel ashamed and privileged. 

Thanks all.

[PsyDuck90]

14 hours ago, Swello said:

Did I choose the wrong grad school?

Hi all, 

I recently applied to MFA programs in art and film. I applied last year and decided not to go. Now when I graduate I will be almost 30. 

I got into all the schools I applied to this year, which felt good at first, including Cranbrook, Stanford film, and U Michigan, all of which are highly ranked schools in art and overall. 

However, I have always had this dream to live in Hawaii, my art centers around the ocean and as a mixed race person I have always felt at home there. U Hawaii at Manoa also has an MFA program, which has very interesting professors, but no reputation to speak of. 

After almost a year or agonizing— should I just spend a measly 2 years getting the best art education available to me, and then plan to move to Hawaii? Or should I do the radical, risky move and go to Hawaii for my art education, which could help establish me there, and let me live in a place I’ve always idealized?

(A side note is that my parents, especially my Chinese immigrant mom, REALLY pushed Stanford. They were so exited I got in and pressured me hard core to go. Unfortunately I was raised more white than Asian and I have historically resisted when my parents try to force me into anything.) 

So I agonized and felt sick and I had to decide this all in the context of the pandemic. Ultimately I chose Hawaii. I thought it was admirable to not choose based on prestige, to follow my dreams, to take a risk. 

However, ever since then I have been wracked with guilt and shame. I turned down Stanford to go to a no name school? Will I regret this for the rest of my life, as my mom threatened? 

There were many factors at play of course, too many to list here. Hawaii actually gave me a great funding package, but the other schools were competitive too. 

I am wondering if you all, perfect strangers, think I made the wrong choice. I have been feeling so low about this that sometimes I even start idealizing hurting or even killing myself. I won’t, I’m just alarmed by the extremity of my reaction to a situation that should be good: I got into all schools and deeply deeply want to go to art school. 

Anyway, any thoughts helpful, I haven’t been able to tell my family or friends or partner how bad I’ve been feeling, because when I do I feel ashamed and privileged. 

Thanks all.

There will always be tough choices people have to make. You made the choice you felt was best for you in that moment. The important thing is to become comfortable and content with the choices we make. Clearly, you are an intelligent and accomplished individual given the fact you were presented with all these options to begin with. That was due to your intelligence, hard work, and talent. The part I bolded severely worries me. I strongly recommend you seek out counseling if you are not currently seeing a therapist. It is ok to feel low, but feelings like this can get progressively worse. Many clinicians are doing teletherapy during the COVID crisis, so you have plenty of options. The therapist will be able to help you develop skills to become more accepting of your decisions and cope with anxiety and concerns. 

[janelane2]

I think you made  the right choice. It makes sense to go to school in a place where you want to live long term because you'll make connections in the community--this is especially true for artists. It would be much harder to go to school in California, then move to Hawaii and have to establish yourself there. I'm sorry this is making you feel so low--but as an internet stranger I 100% think you did the right thing and suspect you'd have regretted your choice if  you went to another school!

Edited May 24, 2020 by janelane2

[Anna D.C.]

On 5/23/2020 at 10:47 AM, Swello said:

Did I choose the wrong grad school?

Hi all, 

I recently applied to MFA programs in art and film. I applied last year and decided not to go. Now when I graduate I will be almost 30. 

I got into all the schools I applied to this year, which felt good at first, including Cranbrook, Stanford film, and U Michigan, all of which are highly ranked schools in art and overall. 

However, I have always had this dream to live in Hawaii, my art centers around the ocean and as a mixed race person I have always felt at home there. U Hawaii at Manoa also has an MFA program, which has very interesting professors, but no reputation to speak of. 

After almost a year or agonizing— should I just spend a measly 2 years getting the best art education available to me, and then plan to move to Hawaii? Or should I do the radical, risky move and go to Hawaii for my art education, which could help establish me there, and let me live in a place I’ve always idealized?

(A side note is that my parents, especially my Chinese immigrant mom, REALLY pushed Stanford. They were so exited I got in and pressured me hard core to go. Unfortunately I was raised more white than Asian and I have historically resisted when my parents try to force me into anything.) 

So I agonized and felt sick and I had to decide this all in the context of the pandemic. Ultimately I chose Hawaii. I thought it was admirable to not choose based on prestige, to follow my dreams, to take a risk. 

However, ever since then I have been wracked with guilt and shame. I turned down Stanford to go to a no name school? Will I regret this for the rest of my life, as my mom threatened? 

There were many factors at play of course, too many to list here. Hawaii actually gave me a great funding package, but the other schools were competitive too. 

I am wondering if you all, perfect strangers, think I made the wrong choice. I have been feeling so low about this that sometimes I even start idealizing hurting or even killing myself. I won’t, I’m just alarmed by the extremity of my reaction to a situation that should be good: I got into all schools and deeply deeply want to go to art school. 

Anyway, any thoughts helpful, I haven’t been able to tell my family or friends or partner how bad I’ve been feeling, because when I do I feel ashamed and privileged. 

Thanks all.

It is a good thing that you shared your worries here. I also think that you made the right choice. It's not about the prestige of school that matters. It's what you do and what you will choose to do with your degree. I am not sure of the pandemic restrictions in Hawaii. But that place is lovely. You can go to the beach or go hiking when you feel stressed about your decisions. Look at the ocean and relax. Do yoga in your free time in graduate school. Refrain from listening to negative people. 

The fact that those schools admitted you mean you are competent in what you have done in the past. And you can do it again in graduate school and once you graduate. Sometimes, the people closest to you will be the first one to demotivate you and say you made the wrong choice. I think they matter to you so much, that's why you feel like that. Show those people that they are wrong about judging you on your decisions. Eventually, when you are already successful in your field, their negative opinion will no longer bother you. You will be successful, and you can do it.

I pray for your long-term success and God's guidance.