Disappointment

[Phyl]

I had a New Student Meet and Greet/Campus Tour/Advising thing the other day. There was a ton of time sitting in a room together, a tour, food with time to mingle and meeting with professors. No one talked, no one looked at each other and the majority of people pulled out a book and started reading. Only one other girl and I talked with each other. I get the librarian stereotype but really do we have to all fit it?

I'm not expecting the social atmosphere of undergrad but is it totally wrong to have some expectations of at least some small talk? I'm starved socially now, my friends from undergrad scattered, and the friends I still have from high school have babies. I'm 22 I want to go hang out at a bar and gossip not sit at Chuck E Cheese faking enthusiasm over ultrasound pictures that look like Rorschach tests. I figured I'd have something in common with other people in the program especially since the bulk of us looked around the same age and presumably have similar interests.

I've gotten really anxious about classes since a lot of the intro courses all contain group work and the social awkwardness of my classmates has made it worse. I hate group work with a fiery passion of a thousand suns, I dropped classes in undergrad when they had group work. I hate that I can't avoid it. I am always that person that ends up taking charge because I hate sitting around in silence not getting anything done because no one else speaks up. I also hate how pompous and controlling that makes me sound.

I guess I just needed to vent, but I'll take any comments, thoughts, suggestions etc.,

[rogue]

Keep in mind that this was just one event, and probably a lot of your cohort mates were nervous about meeting everyone. I can't speak to whether the socially awkward librarian stereotype is true of all your classmates, but maybe cut them some slack and see how things go once classes start and people are a little more relaxed.

I felt sort of the same way when I first met my MBA cohort years ago, and there was a TON of group work in that program. I dreaded it. But once we all got into the swing of things, people talked, beers were consumed, friendships were forged and group PowerPoint presentations were done. (I think I hate PowerPoint even more than group work. Sigh.)

[UnlikelyGrad]

I had a New Student Meet and Greet/Campus Tour/Advising thing the other day. There was a ton of time sitting in a room together, a tour, food with time to mingle and meeting with professors. No one talked, no one looked at each other and the majority of people pulled out a book and started reading. Only one other girl and I talked with each other. I get the librarian stereotype but really do we have to all fit it? ... I figured I'd have something in common with other people in the program especially since the bulk of us looked around the same age and presumably have similar interests.

I was like that at 22. Now that I'm quite a bit older, I've found that the responsibility for making friends lies 100% in my court. I no longer wait to see if anyone approaches me; I approach them. I'm not saying it's easy for me (I'm an introvert if there ever was one), but I do it anyway because I like having friends. I'm not saying that some of them won't rebuff you. But you will have enough a success rate that you'll start a good core group of friends.

I've gotten really anxious about classes since a lot of the intro courses all contain group work and the social awkwardness of my classmates has made it worse. I hate group work with a fiery passion of a thousand suns, I dropped classes in undergrad when they had group work. I hate that I can't avoid it. I am always that person that ends up taking charge because I hate sitting around in silence not getting anything done because no one else speaks up. I also hate how pompous and controlling that makes me sound.

I'm the same way. Not pompous (I think), just into efficiency. Let's get the darn thing finished so we can get on with our lives!!

[AwkwardPants]

I wouldn't worry too much just yet. A lot of library school types are nervous/shy around new people, and the book is a good way to hide without feeling awkward. When I was in library school, I had even more friend-classmates than I did in undergrad since everybody took the same five core courses and saw each other in the building just about every day. Once you can share horror stories about problem patrons at your on-campus library jobs and ridiculous busywork and that weird person in your Reference class (I can guarantee there will be at least one), then people will be much more friendly and comfortable with each other. Also, make sure you get involved with your student chapter of ALA/SLA/whatever because the friendly outgoing go-getter types will gravitate toward them. Plus, if your library school is like mine, the student chapters of professional orgs will organize fun events where you can hang out with your classmates outside of class.

Oh, and get used to the group work. It's not going away, but it's thankfully sometimes less painful in library school than undergrad. And honestly, it's good practice for when you're a librarian because 75% of the work you'll do will be with excruciatingly dysfunctional committees, especially if you work in an academic institution.

Edited May 17, 2010 by AwkwardPants

[coyabean]

I don't have much of anything useful to add but I did want to commiserate.

Like someone else said a book is a just an easy way to manage these moments. I do it all the time and I have NO problem talking to people. In fact, when I try not to talk to people my insides rebel. It's as painful as it sounds. Yet, I keep a book with me at all times to pass down time.

I think maybe your cohort members are of that same mind and perhaps their insides don't recoil when they stay silent?

It may take some time to warm everyone up. I am wishing the best for you as I, too, have high hopes for a social match with my cohort; hopes I'm constantly trying to manage downward.

[BionicKris]

I feel your pain OP. My school set up a listserv for my cohort a few weeks ago. After hearing nothing from any of my future classmates I took it upon myself to introduce myself and get the ball rolling. I've heard back from 3 people (1 of which I already knew). It's going on week 3 now and I can't help but wonder if this icy reception via internet will be the same in person? I love my fellow science geeks, but sometimes I just want to scream TALK ALREADY! I'm fairly extroverted and I have no problem taking it upon myself to meet new people, but when do we draw the line between "getting to know you" and "please get out of my face new person?" Meaning, how do I know when I'm bothering you and when I'm not?

I also carry a book around with me at ALL times, so I hate it when people try to talk to me when I'm reading - especially when it always seems to happen at the good parts. For this reason, I don't approach people with books. I figure those of us that love escaping into the world of literature don't want to be bothered.

Maybe you could try making friends with someone outside of your cohort? I've met multiple people that will be attending my school in the fall that are getting their grad degrees in Anthropology and the reception has been much warmer.

I must say that I also feel your pain on the aspect of scattered friends and friends with families. I am the only one amongst my small circle of friends that is going to grad school, and sometimes I wish I could pack them up and bring them with me. My best friend recently got married and has a baby on the way, so now all our conversations center on her impending motherhood (doom?) It's tough, but I wish you the best! I'm sure that everything will work out in the end, it just sucks not knowing how and when!

[Postbib Yeshuist]

I'll take any comments, thoughts, suggestions etc.,

I'd say, "Welcome to the World of Academia." You have graduated (literally) to a higher plane, where initial impressions can be entirely deceiving. The graduate world is a daunting reality and many people (wisely, in my opinion) choose to be somewhat reserved in their initial forays. Political realities start to take hold and the competition begins in earnest. Partying, etc becomes less important than academic competence (as opposed to the typical college freshman who makes 10 friends in the first weekend if he has $5 for the cover charge). I would say wait until your first few classes then make up your mind. Get to know your colleagues where they feel most comfortable: discussing academic topics about which they feel comfortable. Then you'll start to see personalities emerge and find out who you're most likely to get along with.

As for partying, there's going to be a bunch of summer school parties at the local frats in June/July...

Edited May 18, 2010 by Postbib Yeshuist

[Phyl]

Thanks everyone!

I will reserve my judgment until classes start. I'm far more used to being one of the more quiet reserved people in a room, although I have mastered the art of small talk (thank you sorority recruitment). It was like the reverse wall flower situation, I felt out of place because I wanted to get to know people.

To me reading a book is the ultimate personal space bubble, I just wouldn't approach someone reading.

Even if it ends up being a socially awkward experience, I'll be ahead in networking events and such since I don't mind it.

[fuzzylogician]

For what it's worth my cohort didn't even do the introductory-email-thing before we all arrived in town in late August. No FB contact, no meetings in the summer--the first time I got to know my classmates was during orientation, a week before classes started. Everyone turned out to be really great, friendly people(!!). It turns out everyone was busy doing their own thing--wrapping up their lives elsewhere and getting ready to move--and didn't want to create an awkward situation where we would have to keep an artificial email conversation between 8 people alive for 3.5 months before we could actually met each other. I think that's a fair consideration, and I'm sure it would have become awkward once we got past the first "Hi! my name is Name and I work on Topic" round of emails.

So, the moral of the story is: don't get disappointed just yet, your classmates may turn out to be nice people after all.

[StrangeLight]

i sympathize with the OP, and i've had some disappointment with my cohort, but for different reasons.

i didn't meet anyone until the first week of classes. there was an informal party the week before but i couldn't make it. when classes started, a few people were immediately friendly, so they became my immediate friends. fun to talk to, we'd grab lunch on campus, have bitch sessions together in the grad lounge. they also, by coincidence, happened to be in all of my first semester classes. made it seem obvious to be friends with them.

and they're all (well, minus one) lovely people. really. but jesus h. christ they are boring! they party like 40-something divorcees on their one weekend out without the kids even though they're all women in their early-mid 20s. favourite lunch spot? chili's. favourite afternoon hangout? shopping at target or going to the mall. favourite night out? a yuppie club with overpriced cosmos, top 40 hip hop from 1997-2002, and a bunch of 50+ year old men hanging out by the dance floor photographing all of us. every club they went to, the music was something out of a late 90s bar mitzvah. holy shit.

we only had time enough in our schedules to spend a night out maybe once every month or two. and because everyone else loves that junk, that's what we would always do. always. i realized about 4 months in that i was spending all my free time doing stuff i HATED just because the people i hang out with like to do it. let's all drive out of the city to the big suburban mall, eat at a chain restaurant, and then dance to ja rule with a bunch of orange people wearing too much self tanner! awesome time, guys!!!

it's my own fault. i shouldn't mad at them for all loving to do stuff i hate. i've tried to integrate myself into other groups of friends within the department. i've found a few people who i have more in common with but they're less willing to go out and actually do something than the future soccer mom divorcees. i'm hoping for a better contingent of people in the fall. in the meantime, i just do fun stuff alone now. i try to meet people while i'm out, but i'm a little too shy to do anything other than small talk and still part ways at the end of the evening.

to the OP, i'd recommend trying to make friends outside of your cohort. you'll find, when they ARE willing to engage in small talk, it will always be shop-talk. that gets old after a while.

Edited May 21, 2010 by StrangeLight

[Riotbeard]

i sympathize with the OP, and i've had some disappointment with my cohort, but for different reasons.

i didn't meet anyone until the first week of classes. there was an informal party the week before but i couldn't make it. when classes started, a few people were immediately friendly, so they became my immediate friends. fun to talk to, we'd grab lunch on campus, have bitch sessions together in the grad lounge. they also, by coincidence, happened to be in all of my first semester classes. made it seem obvious to be friends with them.

and they're all (well, minus one) lovely people. really. but jesus h. christ they are boring! they party like 40-something divorcees on their one weekend out without the kids even though they're all women in their early-mid 20s. favourite lunch spot? chili's. favourite afternoon hangout? shopping at target or going to the mall. favourite night out? a yuppie club with overpriced cosmos, top 40 hip hop from 1997-2002, and a bunch of 50+ year old men hanging out by the dance floor photographing all of us. every club they went to, the music was something out of a late 90s bar mitzvah. holy shit.

we only had time enough in our schedules to spend a night out maybe once every month or two. and because everyone else loves that junk, that's what we would always do. always. i realized about 4 months in that i was spending all my free time doing stuff i HATED just because the people i hang out with like to do it. let's all drive out of the city to the big suburban mall, eat at a chain restaurant, and then dance to ja rule with a bunch of orange people wearing too much self tanner! awesome time, guys!!!

it's my own fault. i shouldn't mad at them for all loving to do stuff i hate. i've tried to integrate myself into other groups of friends within the department. i've found a few people who i have more in common with but they're less willing to go out and actually do something than the future soccer mom divorcees. i'm hoping for a better contingent of people in the fall. in the meantime, i just do fun stuff alone now. i try to meet people while i'm out, but i'm a little too shy to do anything other than small talk and still part ways at the end of the evening.

to the OP, i'd recommend trying to make friends outside of your cohort. you'll find, when they ARE willing to engage in small talk, it will always be shop-talk. that gets old after a while.

Haha! I was a double major in history and English in College, and I always found my fellow history majors to be lacking in modern social interests (in other words they seemed like the type to go to Chilli's on the weekend and listen to shit music). As a result, I made a lot of friends through English. I had hoped that Grad School would attract only the cool history majors, but alas, I forsee a year of driving away from New Orleans in search of suburban TGI Fridays on a Saturday with "friends". Thanks StrangeLight! Haha.

[Phyl]

let's all drive out of the city to the big suburban mall, eat at a chain restaurant, and then dance to ja rule with a bunch of orange people wearing too much self tanner! awesome time, guys!!!

You must be in New Jersey too!

Haha! I was a double major in history and English in College, and I always found my fellow history majors to be lacking in modern social interests (in other words they seemed like the type to go to Chilli's on the weekend and listen to shit music).

It must be a history major thing, most of my friends in undergrad were in other departments and History Council meetings were dreadful. The stories I could tell... You can like history without being lame I just don't get how so many lame people like history.

[Riotbeard]

It must be a history major thing, most of my friends in undergrad were in other departments and History Council meetings were dreadful. The stories I could tell... You can like history without being lame I just don't get how so many lame people like history.

I blame military historians. You couldn't find a more boring bunch of people for the most part. One guy derailed an entire lecture in my civil war class to talk about the soldiers glove types...

It was weird in undergrad we left the city (Charelston), and a girl from the Pheonix area goes, now this look like the city as we passed a suburban strip mall. Strange.

[grad_wannabe]

It turns out everyone was busy doing their own thing--wrapping up their lives elsewhere and getting ready to move--and didn't want to create an awkward situation where we would have to keep an artificial email conversation between 8 people alive for 3.5 months before we could actually met each other.

Haha I had one of these awkward "do i initiate summertime contact?" moments.

I met a few of my cohorts at a department research review/presentation day I made it to last week. There were several people I'll be working with who came up and introduced themselves, all super awesome people that I cannot WAIT to work with. But then I had to leave to catch a plane in the middle of one of the presentations. I didn't want to disturb either the presenter or the observers, so I just whispered a quick goodbye to my advisor and made a hurried, awkward exit without saying anything to anyone else. Now I have a weird thing going, like, "Should I email the people I met just to say, 'Sorry I had to jet?' should i leave it alone? will they think me cold?? ACK!!"

Deciding at this point to just leave it alone, I'll see them all soon enough.