Please help me with my opening paragraph of my SOP

[Ze HeadBanger]

Mechanical Engineering has combined the practicality of mathematics with the limitless creativity of science like no other field of engineering. Hence, as an individual with an active interest in this global phenomenon, it was only natural for me to embark on my journey in the field of Mechanical Engineering in XXXXX School of Engineering.

this is my oening pararaph..an extremely concise one.but i thoought that a brief yet "catchy" opening para would be a good bet...

what do u think??

what else should i add to it..or is just too flashy???

[surprisecake]

Its not too flashy, I don't think the term "global phenomenon" is appropriate here, and the "hence" is avoidable.

[newms]

It doesn't say much about you at all. Perhaps you should briefly say something about what made you interested in this area. Also, as the poster above said, 'hence' doesn't really fit in at all. Perhaps also this should be in the 'Statement of Purpose' subforum here, since this forum is for people who are trying to decide which school they should go to after they have been admitted.

Edited October 27, 2010 by newms

[OH YEAH]

Those reviewing your application know what mechanical engineering is. In my opinion, your very first sentence should talk about what you are specifically interested in studying. I thought my SOP was pretty good for CS, if you want to read it I'd be happy to send it to you.

[akraz]

it is a good sentence but i agree with the above post that people would know what ME is about. Just as a suggestion, instead of talking about ME and how/why ME is important may talk some thing along the lines of how you will be important for ME or will contribute to the field.

[ESSENCE]

SOLPADIENE SOP,NEED SOME HELP.ANY IDEAS HOW TO START AND FINISH?