Any tips for writing first paragraph?

[SarahSocPsy]

Hello!

I'm applying to social psychology phd programs right now, and I'm in the process of finishing my essays. I've read advice about writing the SOP from the Donald Asher book Graduate Admissions Essays and also looked up advice online, but I am having a challenging time writing the first paragraph of my SOP. Currently it begins with a question relating to my research interests and an explanation of my passion for social psychology. While it leads to the next paragraph about my research interests effectively, It just sounds so trite. Does anyone have advice for writing the first paragraph? I seem to be fine with writing the rest of my essay, but I can't help but feel that the intro paragraphs I attempt to write seem boring.

Thank you for your help

[eklavya]

the first paragraph is the hardest one, ain't it? i swear to zombie jesus, it took me about 3 weeks to write the first line of my SoP! i finished first paragraph in about 5-6 weeks' time. after this was done, putting together the body and tail was almost like taking a candy from a baby

when you say starting with a question, do you mean the first sentence ends with a '?'? idk if this is a bad or good idea, but what matters is that you make the reader feel comfortable. some people might not buy your idea of creativity. so, perhaps start with an indicative sentence of why you are pursuing your graduate degree? and then fill in with other supporting statements.

i wrote my first paragraph the usual way - why am i interested in my field of science, and what have i done so far to prove that i really like this field, and that i'd absolutely love to spend my life on this field (thence, the application to the graduate program).

[Strangefox]

It just sounds so trite

I would not worry about the first paragraph being too trite. If by trite you mean not particularly creative, that's not a problem. What should not be trite is your research ideas discussed in the statement, - that is what will help your statement to stand out, not some super quote or a thrilling story from your past. So if your paragraph seems trite to you, it probably means that it is written correctly! Starting it with a question is fine, I believe.

Currently it begins with a question relating to my research interests and an explanation of my passion for social psychology.

I hope that you have not actually used the word "passion" in your statement. I you have, I would suggest crossing it out

[SarahSocPsy]

I did use "passion" towards the end of the statement (2nd to last paragraph). I made sure to change it

Thanks!

I would not worry about the first paragraph being too trite. If by trite you mean not particularly creative, that's not a problem. What should not be trite is your research ideas discussed in the statement, - that is what will help your statement to stand out, not some super quote or a thrilling story from your past. So if your paragraph seems trite to you, it probably means that it is written correctly! Starting it with a question is fine, I believe.

I hope that you have not actually used the word "passion" in your statement. I you have, I would suggest crossing it out

[db2290]

First paragraph is tricky! I think there is a balance between engaging the reader and coming up with some hackneyed SOP opener which has been done too many times ("since I was a child....."). If you are going to use an anecdote, I'd make it directly lead on to your research interests in the next paragraph rather than change direction.

[LJK]

I am opening with my research interests: setting them up then progressively getting more specific. I have heard this put forth as a way of avoiding creating a 'hook' or really opening the essay at all, just starting sort of in the middle. I don't view it that way: my research interests should be a hook for professors who want students with those interests. If they are looking for someone like me, they should be grabbed by this first paragraph that says hey, I want to research things along the lines of what you research. It may be less grabbing for the random profs on the adcomm but presumably they know the professors I want to work with, are familiar with their work and will also think 'hey, this woman has a good fit in our program.'

One exercise I did while writing this essay (and I often use for other writing) is to make a retroactive outline. Forget what it is you want to get across, what you mean to convey. Look at your own writing as a reader. If all you have seen is the first sentence, what do you know about the author? Two sentences in? The first paragraph in? etc. If you take this sort of critical eye, you can see what message you are actually conveying with your statement. Then compare what is actually there to what it is you want to get across. Do they line up? Are your pieces in a sensible order so that things build? Does each new sentence and paragraph introduce new and essential information?

My concern with you feeling that your paragraph is 'trite' is that maybe it isn't really conveying anything that isn't or can't be conveyed else where. I let my passion come across as I talk about my interests, past work and future plans. I think it is part of the whole 'show don't tell' mantra that gets brought up on this site regularly.

[fossil_n]

I could also use some advise about my first paragraph. I'm trying to develop some first sentences for my SoP's. One school asks for two separate essays on research experience and proposed research interests. Here are my first sentences for these two essays:

Research Experience:

Through my independent research on a new basal thyreophoran and classroom research on biogeography and systematics, I have developed research skills and focused my research interests.

Proposed Research Interests:

If given the opportunity to study at X university, I would like to pursue my interests in dinosaurian biogeography and systematics. Specifically, I would like to explore methods of cladistic biogeography. I am open to either pursuing theoretical work, or work focused on a specific group of dinosaurs.

I also have some first sentences for a more general SoP for other schools:

If given the opportunity to study at X university, I would like to pursue my interests in dinosaurian biogeography and systematics. My independent research , classroom experiences , and personal experiences have led me to focus my interests on these topics. These interest's fall within the scope of Dr. X's work and I believe a project along these interests would fit well into his lab. Upon achieving a Ph.D., I ideally hope to take a research position at a university.

I know I am mostly telling more than showing in these paragraphs, but if I am going to elaborate on what I said later, is that ok?

[LJK]

fossil_n, I think your openings are adequate though not very grabbing. What is the most interesting thing you have worked on? Is there something you can describe in a little bit of detail that illustrates what you have worked on/how you have worked on it? For the interests paragraph, what do you find most interesting in your field? Could you lead with a description of this most interesting thing that through detail and tone shows how excited you are about it?

If I were interested in studying cultural anthropology with a focus on basket weaving:

Experience: Weaving is one of the most intricate and contradictorily simple practices routinely performed across human cultures. From basic weaving of two coconut tree leaves together to form a disposable bowl in Samoa, to the complex patterns of Navajo rug weaving that are passed down within families, the act and principles behind weaving are essentially the same: there are warp and weave threads that are intertwined to form surface area out of long thin strips. I have had the opportunity to work on a project investigating basket weaving origins across the world....

Interest: Viewing a collection of Zulu handwoven baskets comprised of a multitude of colors, shapes and sizes, if you didn't know that they were created by the same tradition, or even by the same individual, you might be tempted to think that there are an array of traditions represented in the collection rather than just one. Where does this focus on individuality come from? Was this variety traditionally a part of Zulu basket weaving or is it a result of the international demand for the baskets as decorative pieces in Western homes? In many Zulu women's lives, basket weaving and the premise of each one being unique as a marketing technique is a daily concern. ...blah blah ramifications, intellectual sounding interests...

I'm trying to paint a picture of interests/experiences here rather than just tossing out the keywords - it shows I know something about the subject, didn't just pick up the keywords from the department website and shows that I have given my interests thought. Even if you have, keyword don't convey that.

At the same time if you do this later in your SOP that is probably fine, but in my previous post when I was talking about 'hooking' with interests, painting the picture is the way to do that.

[SaraDC]

fossil_n, I think your openings are adequate though not very grabbing. What is the most interesting thing you have worked on? Is there something you can describe in a little bit of detail that illustrates what you have worked on/how you have worked on it? For the interests paragraph, what do you find most interesting in your field? Could you lead with a description of this most interesting thing that through detail and tone shows how excited you are about it?

If I were interested in studying cultural anthropology with a focus on basket weaving:

Experience: Weaving is one of the most intricate and contradictorily simple practices routinely performed across human cultures. From basic weaving of two coconut tree leaves together to form a disposable bowl in Samoa, to the complex patterns of Navajo rug weaving that are passed down within families, the act and principles behind weaving are essentially the same: there are warp and weave threads that are intertwined to form surface area out of long thin strips. I have had the opportunity to work on a project investigating basket weaving origins across the world....

Interest: Viewing a collection of Zulu handwoven baskets comprised of a multitude of colors, shapes and sizes, if you didn't know that they were created by the same tradition, or even by the same individual, you might be tempted to think that there are an array of traditions represented in the collection rather than just one. Where does this focus on individuality come from? Was this variety traditionally a part of Zulu basket weaving or is it a result of the international demand for the baskets as decorative pieces in Western homes? In many Zulu women's lives, basket weaving and the premise of each one being unique as a marketing technique is a daily concern. ...blah blah ramifications, intellectual sounding interests...

I'm trying to paint a picture of interests/experiences here rather than just tossing out the keywords - it shows I know something about the subject, didn't just pick up the keywords from the department website and shows that I have given my interests thought. Even if you have, keyword don't convey that.

At the same time if you do this later in your SOP that is probably fine, but in my previous post when I was talking about 'hooking' with interests, painting the picture is the way to do that.

Good advice! I'm having a terrible time trying to hook the reader for my international econ MA program and MBA applications. When I look at some of the examples in my MBA essay books, I want to roll my eyes. I know I need something catchy and identifiable - but ohmygosh it's hard to come up with.

[fossil_n]

fossil_n, I think your openings are adequate though not very grabbing. What is the most interesting thing you have worked on? Is there something you can describe in a little bit of detail that illustrates what you have worked on/how you have worked on it? For the interests paragraph, what do you find most interesting in your field? Could you lead with a description of this most interesting thing that through detail and tone shows how excited you are about it?

LJK, Thanks for the advice, you are right, it does sound like I could just be throwing out vocab. How about this? It is what I used for my NSF app and I had thought that something different would work better for my grad apps, but after what you said, I think it would work pretty well:

In front of me on a long table sits a half-ton block of rust red siltstone, encased in plaster and burlap and containing hundreds of small, hematite encrusted bones of a basal armored dinosaur. Each bone, after I carefully abrade away the hematite, tells an interesting story. I spent the last year poring over these bones, discovering the innumerable clues that tell me about what this animal looked like, how it lived, and how armored dinosaurs evolved.

And then I could say something briefly about how the project and my classes have led me to choose my specializations before moving on to the more detailed part of the essay.

[LJK]

LJK, Thanks for the advice, you are right, it does sound like I could just be throwing out vocab. How about this? It is what I used for my NSF app and I had thought that something different would work better for my grad apps, but after what you said, I think it would work pretty well:

In front of me on a long table sits a half-ton block of rust red siltstone, encased in plaster and burlap and containing hundreds of small, hematite encrusted bones of a basal armored dinosaur. Each bone, after I carefully abrade away the hematite, tells an interesting story. I spent the last year poring over these bones, discovering the innumerable clues that tell me about what this animal looked like, how it lived, and how armored dinosaurs evolved.

And then I could say something briefly about how the project and my classes have led me to choose my specializations before moving on to the more detailed part of the essay.

I think this is much better. I don't know that you need to make it person-centered (on the table in front of me) as that sounds a bit static and momentary when I think a broader feel would be better since you transition into the year-long viewpoint quickly. The first sentence has a bit of a confusion of 'and's and commas that you might want to streamline, but overall I think that this is setting a better tone of genuine interest and dedication. (Sorry to make suggestions on a what you have submitted in the past... I always like to pretend things I have submitted are 'perfect' and not worry about them.)

[diber]

So far I'm just opening with point blank:

"I am applying to the x program at x in order to pursue a life of academic scholarship and teaching." and continue with background, interests, focus, etc from there.

shrug. I doubt it's very grabby, but I don't think I do anecdotal very well. And it kind of gets the job done.

[2am_frosty]

So far I'm just opening with point blank:

"I am applying to the x program at x in order to pursue a life of academic scholarship and teaching." and continue with background, interests, focus, etc from there.

shrug. I doubt it's very grabby, but I don't think I do anecdotal very well. And it kind of gets the job done.

like said author, just be straight forward. i am using a similar approach. "my interest in X field has developed over the Y years through Z experiences." then i talk about why i find this field fascinating. i don't seek to please the audience, as it is MY statement of purpose. i am, after all, applying to X school because I think I am well suited for it. Thus, by talking about my own interests, I hope that some adcom member will also find my interests interesting. if they dont, then it probably isn't a good program for me, anyway. it helps to write your SOP like the school will be lucky to have you, not the other way around. be confident without being arrogant. be interesting and concise without being verbose. it starts to get really complicated when you try to be the mirror image of some prof that you really want to work with.

think about when you were taking/studying the GRE. when you're asked to answer the "the main purpose of this passage is to..." question, do you honestly read from start to finish? no-- you skim it. wasn't it very annoying when you skim a passage and you have NO CLUE what the main purpose of the prompt even is b/c the author spent so much time "setting up" the story? or fails to conclude with a straight forward answer? i imagine people who read our SOPs feel the same way-- unlike us, however, they have to read hundreds. they will likely skim it to see try to get what your main purpose is, and if interesting, read in detail. but if they can't even figure that out, i doubt they will spend valuable time trying to find it.

idk. just my 2 cents

[BlueRose]

I wrote the first paragraph as a brief summary of my interests: how I got there, where I was, and where I was going. Then I had subheadings for the same, but in professional language (and with previous research last). I can post my first paragraph; it ain't Shakespeare, but I think it works.

<quoting self>

After years of research in synthetic biology, I have only one tangible result: a healthy respect for the challenges of designing biological systems. My research interests are now focused on making it easier to do so. In particular, I am interested in computational methods for revealing effective design principles in biology – systems biology for synthetic biology. Ultimately I hope to lead a research group in this area, either in academia or industry.

[Soheyl]

I opened with this:

I

n this statement, I will briefly explain (1) how I became interested in modeling for business problems, (2) how I came to like

the field X (especially Y and its effects on Z)

, and (3) how I decided to apply to

A School of Management

’s

X PhD Program

. This note also covers my potentials and six-year background in modeling and research. However, I decided not to discuss my five-year teaching experience so as to make my statement as succinct as possible. I will also not mention course-work and any other thing that is included in other parts of my application.

Not really sure if the last sentence was necessary. However, with the whole paragraph, I just tried to accomplish the following goals:

1. To make the reader clear about what to expect in the rest of the statement and about in what order to expect them.

2. To show them that I'm a professional who understands the value of conciseness.

I saved all intelligent things about my interests and potentials for the rest of the statement. In fact I used them in each and every paragraph except the very first one.

If you are concerned about the first impression, keep in mind that if your first paragraph is short enough, then the second paragraph could also take part in shaping the reader's "first" impression. Just my thoughts!

Edited January 3, 2011 by Soheyl