There's no way I'm getting in... (despair, imposter syndrome, refreshing admissions page 954 times per day)

[iOverthink]

Even setting tags puts me in crisis mode. I want to put the university and program I'm applying to, but I'm afraid of someone seeing it and tracking it back to me and jeopardizing my application. Here's the thing...

I put all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak. My partner has a good job, so I applied to a very good school that is under two hours away by train / car. I wanted to give him the opportunity to continue growing in his administrative position, rather than uprooting him. The current plan is to take the train or drive to classes, at least at the beginning. We both like the college city more, but we have things to get in order before a move would be in order. 

I check my email, the application page...heck, even the university's Twitter (okay, X) page all day every day. I'm currently in a teaching job I find unfulfilling. I've wanted to pursue a PhD since I was in undergrad (class of 2010), but finances and my undergrad GPA kept me from doing so. (Personal / family crises, working three jobs, etc) I managed to get into an MA program three years ago. Initially I was put on academic probation due to my 2.73 in undergrad. I graduated from the MA with a 4.0, a writing grant, a symposium, and some academic writing samples I could add to my PhD application. 

However, I wish I had locked into this sooner. I wish I had submitted papers for publication. I wish I had read more. I wish I had started a professional blog, podcast, anything...

I'm 36...a gay, white male applying to a Spanish program. I just feel like my chances are super slim. I feel like my credentials are lacking. I feel like they'll look for native speakers, younger students, veer more diverse students (which I understand), more published students. 

I spoke to one of the professors in the program who read my statement of purpose. She said it was a good draft, but I needed to focus more on research interests. I skewed heavily toward my background and how I worked to overcome financial and cultural barriers to achieve what I had achieved. I made the changes, submitted my application, and thanked the professor for her time. I felt like our talks had been positive, but then I thought maybe I was lulling myself into a false sense of security.

Now I'm looking at all the things I haven't done. I feel sick to my stomach worrying about it. I wish I had applied for more programs, but I was trying to take my partner's career into consideration.

How do I deal with the waiting? What do you do? If you read this far and have advice or feel like this, feel free to chime in. 

Good luck to my fellow anxious applicants. 

[thesecrethistory]

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a hard time. If it helps, I’m super anxious too and feel like I’m not gonna get accepted anywhere. 
My situation is similar to yours in another way. Although I have applied to additional schools for peace of mind, I really need to get into this one school where my husband is also pursuing a PhD. We’re both from outside the destination country, and everyone said it’s near impossible to be accepted into the same school in different programs, different terms. I have applied to 3 programs in that particular university, and although they said decisions will be out in Feb/Mar, I still can’t stop refreshing the portal pages, along with the other portal pages of other unis I applied to. So far I haven’t heard back from anywhere, and although it might not sound logical, it seems like my dream of a PhD is a lost cause. You see, I work at this think-tank where there are multiple talented and brilliant researcher colleagues who have tons of experience and publications. I don’t have any. I feel so small everyday going to work, and then I come back and keep refreshing my portals, and nothing helps. 
 

So stranger, I know what you’re talking about. I feel for you. Hold on tight, let’s see where this takes us. < 3