what should i do? (aka should I give up or how to not give up)

[theres a hole in my shoe]

If someone is reading this thanks, let me tell you the situation. I want to apply for PhDs but I won't have positive letters. Why? Because I was very late on all my MA coursework and took an extra year to finish because I had a mental breakdown in the middle of the program. What are the streets saying? All the professors I asked if I should do a PhD said pretty much no because of how stressed out I got in the MA. Why did I lose it? The reason I got stressed was because I wasn't really sure how to write graduate level essays or do the work properly, I was stupid, but I really (really) wanted to succeed so the pressure was extremely intense, I cannot begin to describe this feeling, because I don't have time right now. Do I have a single redeeming quality? I got good grades in some classes, but in other classes I got totally mirked by profs for not being smart enough. How did I get in in the first place? It's a mystery, but probably because I went to an easy undergrad where I could schmoose with profs, and I had a creative 'out-there' writing sample the kind that makes people think 'why not? she's annoying enough to be smart'. Should I give up? Where could I even apply? I went to the best school in my country for my MA and burned my bridges there so I'd have to go to a worse school. What else could I imagine spending my life on without ending it all right now today? I kind of prefer creative writing to academic writing, a big problem I had in the MA was my writing being too flourishy and not analytical or whatever; but even if I did replace philosophy's place in my life with writing it would still be academic idk like 'popular philosophy' or some crap like that. Anyways what's funny is a prof told me that academia is probably the least advisable career out there 'unless you want to be a writer or something'. I was like yea ... about that .... anyways I feel like a shell of a person. or like a hooker and some rich gentleman (the university of so and so) brought me to some fancy club for a year and then dropped me off back on the street. please advise.

[yakultboss777]

Whether you should give up on anything is a decision that only you can make for yourself. From what you've said here, I think it would be in your best interest to just seriously slow down on your academic path and give yourself some room to breathe away from philosophy and from school. If its for you, whatever you want to get out of Philosophy will come eventually. Just take some time to reset and eventually circle back to your situation to analyze what you want to do moving forward.