PTSD and coping in Grad School

[ossia]

Dear Friends,

Although I have another account on TGC, I've decided to post under a different handle for privacy reasons.

Some pertinent info: I am a survivor of sustained childhood and physical abuse at the hands of a family member up until the beginning of undergrad (I should add that this has also led to a fear of abandonment from other family members that were unwilling or unable to help). I have undergone counselling with psychologists at my alma mater, where I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. Although transferring schools for Masters has been stressful (as it is for most students!), I have thrived from a stimulating academic and collegial environment, and importantly, being far removed from the hands of my abuser. The department has been so encouraging, that I applied and was accepted for doctoral studies last year under my wonderfully inspiring Masters advisor.

I haven't told anyone in my department about my situation with the exception of my program director, including my advisor. My reasons for not doing so are personal, but mainly stem from the fact that I don't want to feel pitied, nor treated differently because of familial circumstances. Up until now, I've been able to reasonably cope with the stresses of grad life (unpleasant as it gets at times), but a new series of events has left me an emotional basket-case.

While completing coursework, my doctoral cohort and I were given several exercises to help us formulate theses projects (my program is in the social sciences for reference). As a result, I came up with two projects that were feasible, interesting and well regarded by our seminar leader. One was situated in the subfield of my Masters, but a new approach with minimal overlap. The other was in a drastically different subfield of interest, but one that I have little to no background knowledge of. Excited to have two potential projects, I shared them with my advisor in order to ask her opinion as they both broadly speak to her fields of interest. While she liked both, she stressed that I should strongly consider the second topic in order to broaden my field of expertise. And then she dropped a bombshell. She suggested that I ask two other faculty members if they would consider taking on the second project as advisor instead. I understand her concern, as she is a relatively young professor who is only a couple of years into her own research on a complementary topic. On speaking with the other professors as she suggested, both expressed interest, but wanted me to drastically change the theoretical framework away from where my interests lie. Expressing my discomfort with these directions, the professors suggested that they would like to be on my committee, but not as advisor. When I expressed to my Masters advisor that I'd rather switch to the first topic (the one related to my Masters work), she thought it would be doing me a great disservice. At this point, I'm currently without a doctoral advisor, and now resent even pitching the second project in the first place.

My frustration is that while I *do* understand my Masters advisor's concerns as to why she does not feel suited to this new project and I respect her decision as well as the other professors, a crushing feeling of dread has been hanging over everything I do. I fear that I ruined opportunities with three wonderful professors. I know this stems from both anxiety and PTSD. I can't stop choking up and tearing in public, at school, or even at home alone. I can barely eat and am now getting less sleep than normal (which was was bad enough before). I can't concentrate and now dread going to my shared office in the department for fear that someone will ask what's the matter and that I'll break down into tears. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I don't know what else I can do... the few people I have talked to about this have been supportive, but this funk has taken over my life.

os

Edited February 26, 2011 by ossia

[newms]

Is there a counselor at your current school that you could talk with? I can't begin to understand what you would have gone through and are going through, but it would seem to me that you'll have to get this dealt with somehow (I'm not even sure how) since it's something that could cause you emotional distress throughout life.

As for your concern about alienating your profs, I don't think you would have done so, since it is important to find a balance between what you want to do and what your advisor advises, rather than just doing whatever your advisor says. What is it you would rather do? The first project or the second one?

Perhaps you could speak with your program director about how your research projects could fit with the research at the department. Alternatively, is it possible for you to be co-advised by your advisor and one of the other profs, since neither seem like they feel comfortable advising you on this project alone?

Good luck and I hope this works out for you.

[ossia]

I truly appreciate your thoughtful reply, newms. You're right, I should seek counseling again or at the very least, speak to the program director. It's something I was hoping to avoid, but it's too debilitating at this point.

As for the projects, I'm thinking of starting from scratch. I'd rather go back to what interested me in my program to begin with and see if there's something to build on from there. Thanks again for your kindness and consideration.

os

Is there a counselor at your current school that you could talk with? I can't begin to understand what you would have gone through and are going through, but it would seem to me that you'll have to get this dealt with somehow (I'm not even sure how) since it's something that could cause you emotional distress throughout life.

As for your concern about alienating your profs, I don't think you would have done so, since it is important to find a balance between what you want to do and what your advisor advises, rather than just doing whatever your advisor says. What is it you would rather do? The first project or the second one?

Perhaps you could speak with your program director about how your research projects could fit with the research at the department. Alternatively, is it possible for you to be co-advised by your advisor and one of the other profs, since neither seem like they feel comfortable advising you on this project alone?

Good luck and I hope this works out for you.

[Robtastic]

I used to think depression was a "fake" disease until I experience first hand how a Russian winter and culture shock can do a number on your mental health. So in short I sympathize.

I also work with many mentally disabled clients and war vets who have the most severe form of PTSD.

The problem with depression, and anxiety is it stops you from doing exactly what you need to get better. The only thing that pulled me out of my depressive funk was summoning the courage to get out of bed and go outside despite little kids tossing rocks and getting accosted by drunk locals.

At some point you bottom out and have to come up for air. I myself would not be so eager to recommend a counselor, you need to have normalcy in your life, friends, dates, social time in the quad, whatever. Getting a counselor is almost like cheating, because that person HAS to listen to you, and you don't feel any better about yourself because of it but it can be used as a stepping stone. Taking control of your life and feeling in charge is the only way your going to get out of this.

I also don't recommend meds, not that they don't work (they work quite well), but because they are habit forming and temporary.

Most importantly stop feeling sorry for yourself, focus on helping others.

-Rob

[Zahar Berkut]

I'm afraid to give any advice that's too specific here-- I hope there's someone who knows the best way to handle your feelings at your school that you can talk to, like a counselor. I know it sucks feeling like you need to go to someone, but you should remember that nobody is an island, and if someone pretends they don't need to talk to someone about their troubles once in a while, they're either lying or miserable. So in that sense you're actually quite normal.

The other thing I want to say is the fact that you're able to understand yourself and your situation with such nuance reflects extremely well on you (it's more than a lot of people are willing or able to do). So does the fact that you've been thriving in a master's program and going on to doctoral studies after all you've gone through. In other words, it sounds like you'll be fine. You just need to talk this out with someone who understands and can advise you.

[bedalia]

While I agree with Rob that the problem with depression and anxiety is that they prevent you from doing what you need to do to get better (as the OP said, that funk takes over your life), I have to disagree with most of his post.

Seeing a counsellor is NOT "cheating." It IS consulting a professional who is trained to help you. A counsellor can help you to determine what needs to be done to help you get better, whether that's talking things over (never underestimate the value of having someone listen to you, and often it is easier to be open and honest with a paid professional than with family or friends who bring emotional attachments and possibly judgements to the discussion) or seeking medical treatment (this can be an important part of treatment for some people and shouldn't be discouraged out of hand).

We don't expect somone who has had a heart attack to snap out of it and will themselves better, do we? Rather, a medical professional assesses them and prescribes a course of action which can include medication, surgery, change of diet, exercise and even counselling, all tailored according to each patient's needs. Similarly, someone who is experiencing a mental health condition CAN'T just stop feeling sorry for his or herself, Mental illness (including PTSD) is a physical condition, not a mood or a habit. It needs to be treated as such by a professional who can help tailor a treatment plan according to each patient's needs.

And you know what else? Forget about helping others, just for now. Right now you need to focus on YOU and getting YOU better. Priority #1.

[UnlikelyGrad]

Seeing a counsellor is NOT "cheating." It IS consulting a professional who is trained to help you. A counsellor can help you to determine what needs to be done to help you get better, whether that's talking things over (never underestimate the value of having someone listen to you, and often it is easier to be open and honest with a paid professional than with family or friends who bring emotional attachments and possibly judgements to the discussion) or seeking medical treatment (this can be an important part of treatment for some people and shouldn't be discouraged out of hand).

I agree.

Seeing a counselor is not a replacement for talking to friends, family, etc.--you really do have to have that as well--but it is very helpful because ( a ) as Bedalia said, they have no emotional attachments, and ( b ) unlike friends and family, they have a good idea of what ways are healthiest to react to certain triggers and will help you implement those coping mechanisms in your life. Sometimes we (and our friends and family) don't have any idea at all on how best to cope with situations--a trained counselor is invaluable in this regard.

[Robtastic]

While I agree with Rob that the problem with depression and anxiety is that they prevent you from doing what you need to do to get better (as the OP said, that funk takes over your life), I have to disagree with most of his post.

Seeing a counsellor is NOT "cheating." It IS consulting a professional who is trained to help you. A counsellor can help you to determine what needs to be done to help you get better, whether that's talking things over (never underestimate the value of having someone listen to you, and often it is easier to be open and honest with a paid professional than with family or friends who bring emotional attachments and possibly judgements to the discussion) or seeking medical treatment (this can be an important part of treatment for some people and shouldn't be discouraged out of hand).

We don't expect somone who has had a heart attack to snap out of it and will themselves better, do we? Rather, a medical professional assesses them and prescribes a course of action which can include medication, surgery, change of diet, exercise and even counselling, all tailored according to each patient's needs. Similarly, someone who is experiencing a mental health condition CAN'T just stop feeling sorry for his or herself, Mental illness (including PTSD) is a physical condition, not a mood or a habit. It needs to be treated as such by a professional who can help tailor a treatment plan according to each patient's needs.

And you know what else? Forget about helping others, just for now. Right now you need to focus on YOU and getting YOU better. Priority #1.

Depression is not a heart attack, precisely because you CAN snap out of it (not always). Saying that someone can not get over depression with out a professional is not only wrong but will promote a feeling of helplessness on top of it.

As for the counselor what I was saying was you can't have that be your only option, because that person HAS to listen to you, and doesn't add to your self worth which is a key source of depression.

Lastly I have psychiatrist friends who would tell you your flat out wrong for your last comment. If your depressed and have malignant narcissism then, focusing on yourself will only produce more negative feelings about what you see when your depressed. Helping others is a good way to get over that by giving you real feedback to why you are important and valued by other people.

[nhyn]

Depression is not a heart attack, precisely because you CAN snap out of it (not always). Saying that someone can not get over depression with out a professional is not only wrong but will promote a feeling of helplessness on top of it.

Wow. Just...wow. I admire your self-motivation, but you clearly don't understand how depression (or mental illnesses for that matter) works. Maybe you should discuss it some more with your psychiatrist friends (and I hope they are really psychiatrists who went to med school and learned that these illnesses can be helped with medication, and there are reasons for that.)

To the OP: I hope you'll find a way to work out your problems. From what it sounds like, the professors didn't want to be your main advisors not because they held any personal feelings towards you - oftentimes if the profs feel like they can't be the best advisors (because they're not an expert on the topic) they'd likely back off and let you find someone else, which you unfortunately can't. I'd say if you are really passionate about your project, and think you can do fine alone with some help from professors (although you might feel scared you have no "official" guide in the process), I think you should go for it. If not, making a few compromises probably won't hurt that much, but like you said, you might not like it as much either. So weigh your priorities - are you more fearful being alone or are you more pissed about not being able to do what you like?

Remember that this is superficial advice from just reading what you wrote here

[thesnout]

I can't stress counselling enough. I know some people view counselling as a negative thing but you have to get your feelings out to someone. It's not normal to start crying in public or fear breaking down everywhere you go. You have some major stuff bottled up and your tears show it.

Grad school is not a walk in the park for anyone. I can only stress that you get the help you deserve. And normally it's free through your school. Also take 1 hour per day to write out your thoughts and feelings in a private journal online or on paper.

I don't think you screwed yourself by sticking with your research. You shouldn't change or water down your research for anyone. Don't feel dread over this. Sit down and pick the topic that interests you. See if there is anything that can be tweaked or altered. Sometimes the advisors want you to think outside the box. They want you to get out of your place of comfort. Trust me you can learn a lot. I understand where they are coming from in that regard. But don't be bullied to change your interests.

In the end, if you can't find an advisor maybe you can/should re-apply elsewhere. Another school might have multiple professors who love your reserach interests. I know it would be a frustrating to have to re-apply to schools but it might just prove to be beneficial.

Take some time to talk with a counsellor to set up a plan and consider all your options. Good luck

[neuropsychosocial]

To the OP: In addition to echoing the suggestion that others have made to seek counseling from a mental health professional (I'd suggest avoiding Robtastic's office!), I think that you should address the academic concern straight-on. If you feel concerned that you damaged your relationships with these three professors, or feel rejected by them, I would suggest talking to them. I think it's okay to say that you are afraid that you damaged your relationship and you want to make sure that you still have their respect. It sounds like you're comfortable with your DGS, who might be a great person to talk to first. Because the DGS has a broader perspective than any given professor, you could tell him/her that you're concerned about finding a project, that you've realized that you feel strongly about working within X theoretical framework, does she/he have suggestions?