What to do when you feel bad about getting in...

[musichistorygeek]

So, I yesterday I received an acceptance letter from one of my top schools. I was pretty surprised and excited; to be honest, I was expecting a rejection. To celebrate, I went out and had a great day with my family. It was fun, and not something I get to do very often. However, when I returned home, I learned that one of my good friends (who also applied to School X, but for a different program) was rejected. Now things are awkward...

My uncertainties about next year (choosing a program, finding funding, etc.) suddenly seem to me like privileged complaining. To make things clear, I haven't mentioned any of my problems to her (it obviously wouldn't be very sensitive or appropriate, given the situation), but I still feel terrible. Any advice?

[wanderlust07]

Give it a week or so. I have actually recently been on the other end of this. I am genuinely happy for my friend, who very much deserves the acceptance, but I was pretty bummed at being turned down at a program where I thought I had really good fit. We sort of filled the space with offbeat snark, but I would never want my friend to have to hide zir happiness, struggles or plans from me indefinitely.

Does your friend have an acceptance elsewhere yet? It can ease the sting, and you can then compare notes about dealing with schools post acceptance, visits, etc.

In the mean time, if s/he needs space, give it. We all know what a crapshoot this process is, so there's no need (IMO) to rush in with the standard post-rejection platitudes. Perhaps agree on a waiting/cooling down period in which y'all hang out and focus on other parts of your friendship? Obviously you were good friends before the trial-by-fire of application season, and I sometimes think returning to staple fun activities is a low-pressure way to let off steam. This is actually going to require some talking at some point.

[rainbowworrier]

I've applied to the same program that a relative of a close friend has also applied to. Up until we turned everything in, I was excited about the prospect. But now I'm thinking about potential awkwardness if one but not the other of us gets in. ugh.

[eklavya]

yeah, like others have said, give it some time. if it is your top choice, you will (probably) end up there. and am sure your friend will find a good fit too.

i opened this thread because of your title, and i am on the other end of the spectrum. there are a couple schools to which people from my lab have been accepted. and i am thinking, if those schools offer me admission, i probably won't feel very happy about attending the program with folks whom i've known for years. not that i have bad relationship with them or anything - they are amazing friends - but i would like some fresh air, new cohort, and all that. if i get in into those schools, perhaps i might change my mind after giving it a long thought... but time will tell.