How honest to be with advisors about personal life?

[dudedolittle]

Normally I'd say your personal life is none of your advisor's business.

However, part of my 20 hour/week RAship is going to require me working on Saturdays. I plan on maintaining a relationship with my significant other at a distance. We've done this before at 2.5 hours away and managed to see each other once a week. The college I'll be attending in Virginia is 90-100 minutes away from my SO. The fact that I need to work most Saturday mornings and afternoons means I'll be planning my 2 weeks I travel to see my SO around these data sessions. I'd like to just be upfront with my advisor when we meet at some point soon and say, "Here is a situation I am going to be working through so you know where I go Saturday evening into Monday late afternoon." I think telling the person upfront comes off more respectable than saying no you can't do something later down the line.

I respect this is a situation I am signing up for, but I also can fulfill much of my RA hours during the course of the week and would like to have a better picture of, "If I put in X hours in the lab during the week can I finish my weekly hours Saturday mornings instead of afternoons, etc." I also think knowing the exact capacity in which I will be involved on this particular project will help me understand how I can plan ahead to have longer weekends if there is no class on a Monday, etc.

Is it in appropriate to bring this up in a meeting, or just at the very least let it be known that it is a circumstance you are going to be dealing with for at least the first year? Again, if I wasn't working for a bit on Saturday I'd just leave Friday and do my thing and no one would need to know.

I was also curious about keeping a weekend internship I have and broached that issue with a senior lab member figuring the answer would kind of help with this decision too, and I wouldn't really need to bring this situation up exactly. I also figured I could get a better feel for some weekend work since other lab members alluded to the fact that on some weekends they weren't there. The response was useful and I got the impression that my new advisor does care, but expects you to work hard, and would rather know upfront if some days are off limits. I'm a little worried that even asking a lab member about weekend work makes it look like I don't want to, but I am sure that is irrational on my end, and at some point someone was going to have to answer some questions.

Anyways, I know this is random but what are your thoughts?

Thanks

[mechengr2000]

I'm in the same situation. I think I would like to get a part time job on the weekends, or after 5 on weekdays, and I was wondering what the protocol is in grad school for this kind of thing if the school is funding me already as an RA.

[dudedolittle]

I think the exact situation of RA funding will vary from lab to lab. I do know I think it is a dick move for an advisor to say you are paid for 20 hours and expect you to work more than that. I realize sometimes things come up and there needs to be a give and take, but if you are just getting paid for X hours it shouldn't mean infinite availability. However, I think you are on their terms a bit with how those hours are accounted for. I see how your situation is kind of similar to mine in that you want to get a feel for your personal time and how to balance another endeavor, but it is generally frowned upon to work a second job while an RA, at least as I have heard here over the last year. So, I wouldn't tell them you want to get a second job per-say.

[rising_star]

Don't bring it up!! Seriously. It will not lead to anything good. There are plenty of people that, for lots of reasons, don't come into the lab on Saturday nights or on Sundays. If you do feel the need to say that you can't work then, then don't bother saying why. Just because you have a long distance SO does not mean that your personal life should then be brought up to your advisor.

mechengr2000, the protocol varies greatly. Some TA/RA contracts expressly forbid outside employment while others do not. If you do get a job, you'll want to get one with some flexibility so that you aren't overwhelmed when a bunch of research needs to get done before a conference or when it's late in the semester and you're working on final papers/projects.

[dudedolittle]

I know ahead of time we are all going to sit down and plan a lab meeting day that works for our schedule. Should I at least say, "Look, I'm not around all day Sunday or Monday morning for personal stuff?" I'm not trying to be caustic and I am definitely hearing you out, but also the grad student I spoke with when I was thinking of balancing keeping an internship said that the advisor likes to know up front what is up, that the advisor cares about your life to a degree and would prefer not to be surprised if suddenly you are being asked to do things on a Sunday and start saying no. I guess lab prescience has been lab members don't care to work on the week and don't mind working a Sunday every week, even though this isn't in the agreement I have with advisor, to get their 20 hours in.

I'm just thinking out loud and appreciate the feedback.

Don't bring it up!! Seriously. It will not lead to anything good. There are plenty of people that, for lots of reasons, don't come into the lab on Saturday nights or on Sundays. If you do feel the need to say that you can't work then, then don't bother saying why. Just because you have a long distance SO does not mean that your personal life should then be brought up to your advisor.

mechengr2000, the protocol varies greatly. Some TA/RA contracts expressly forbid outside employment while others do not. If you do get a job, you'll want to get one with some flexibility so that you aren't overwhelmed when a bunch of research needs to get done before a conference or when it's late in the semester and you're working on final papers/projects.

[jendoly]

I wouldn't say I'm all that close with my advisor, but people DO have relationships in grad school and it's not that advisors don't know that. I even told my advisor that I was worried about whether or not my SO at the time would get into my school for his PhD. Some grad students are married or have kids and have to work around those commitments as well. As long as you establish that "hey, I can do work while I'm not in town if necessary", I think it would be good to give your advisor a heads up that you do plan to maintain your relationship at that level. If he has a problem with it, it's good to know now rather than later. As my dad puts it, your advisor should treat you as a junior colleague, and I like to think that colleagues can talk about their situations in at least that level of detail.

Edited April 26, 2011 by jendoly

[rising_star]

I know ahead of time we are all going to sit down and plan a lab meeting day that works for our schedule. Should I at least say, "Look, I'm not around all day Sunday or Monday morning for personal stuff?" I'm not trying to be caustic and I am definitely hearing you out, but also the grad student I spoke with when I was thinking of balancing keeping an internship said that the advisor likes to know up front what is up, that the advisor cares about your life to a degree and would prefer not to be surprised if suddenly you are being asked to do things on a Sunday and start saying no. I guess lab prescience has been lab members don't care to work on the week and don't mind working a Sunday every week, even though this isn't in the agreement I have with advisor, to get their 20 hours in.

I'm just thinking out loud and appreciate the feedback.

All you have to say is, "I have a prior commitment on Monday mornings so that wouldn't be a good time for lab meetings for me". If anyone asks, just say it's personal. Actually, you could probably just not offer up that time as available and no one would really notice. But really, no one plans Monday morning meetings anyway. I would cross the bridge about Sundays when you come to it. No need to position yourself right off the bat as the incoming student who refuses to work on the weekends because his/her partner is more important than the lab. Because that's how it could come across.