Class crushes

[Just me]

I know, that title sounds juvenile, but bear with me here. I feel strange in the sense that I have a crush (hate this word) on a classmate of mine, mostly because I don't even know him that well and because what I do know of him seems so opposite of anything about me. Frankly, I don't even know how the heck I even have the mental capacity to feel anything but exhaustion during class, and why my mind has chosen to keep my sights on this fellow is way beyond me...at least 10 years older than me, not single, lives several states away. When I spell it out like that, I don't even understand it, but my mind is kind of doing it's own thing, it seems.

I'm not concerned - I tend to get fleeting, superficial crushes like this from time to time (had maybe five in undergrad alone) that disappear almost as oddly as they appear, but geez I want to kick myself in the head for even envisioning my classmate in any sense besides professional. I seem to have some kind of weird intuitive sense as far as crushes, in that I can feel immediate attraction to someone without knowing anything about them, we become friends, and after a while of knowing one another in the platonic sense, the guy will confess feelings for me. Very weird. But thankfully, there seems to be no desire from him to become more than just classmates who make idle chit-chat now and again, as opposed to folks whom I consider to be genuine friends in my class.

The larger part of me is glad things are as they are now, but there's that one little nagging part telling me there is something special about this man I want to find out more about (and also being discontented that that intuitive feeling is wrong for the first time). Any psych majors here who need a subject? Like I said, I know this will pass and I will in no way pursue anything, but damn it's going to bug me for a while, in part because I don't even know why I'm feeling like this.

Not sure where I'm going with this topic...I guess if anyone wants to share similar stories of love in class? Two weeks of cramming and minimal sleeping has made me a little loopy and I'm not sure I know what I'm talking about.

[Mal83]

Ok, I'll bite, why not? You're not the only one to develop superficial or even deeper feelings for someone in your class. These are people that share your interests and are intellectual peers. If he's attractive to you in someway then of course your mind is going to wander over his way every so often. I will admit that I have found a few of my male professors attractive (on a few levels) and maybe devoted a little more time thinking about them than I should have, but that generally passed after a while for the most obvious reason of all...I couldn't have them. And I'm not sure if this is a positive or negative, but every so often the crush was motivation for me to be a little better in class. You can't help being attracted to someone, you just have to try and deal with it as best you can, if they're available then maybe acting on it can turn into something great, but if they're not then maybe keeping it a crush from "afar" is best. Not that you shouldn't talk to him or get to know him, I would just remain as platonic as possible. And it's a good thing that you know now that he's not single, there's nothing worse than finding that out after getting really emotionally attached to the idea of this person being an option. But there's certainly nothing wrong with enjoying this person's presence in class.

Edited July 24, 2011 by Mal83

[ktel]

I've had a general policy my entire life that I wouldn't get involved with anyone I went to school with. In high school that meant guys in my high school were off limits. In university that meant no guys in any of my classes (so no mechanical engineers, but other disciplines were OK). This policy has been in place to prevent general awkwardness, either from having to see the guy you are dating way too often, or having to see the guy you just broke up with way too often. I like a little separation in my life.

That being said you don't sound like you are planning on pursuing anything with this guy, just wanted a place to vent your feelings

[Neuronista]

Thank you so much for bringing on this topic. I really thought I was alone in this. Although my problem is a bit different than Just me's.

It's more like what Mal83 said:

I will admit that I have found a few of my male professors attractive (on a few levels) and maybe devoted a little more time thinking about them than I should have, but that generally passed after a while for the most obvious reason of all...I couldn't have them.

THIS is my problem.

Since 4th year of undergrad (that's about 5 years ago), I had a special feeling towards one of my professors. He was a young assistant prof. and I was one of the students in his very first classes to teach. I don't know how or why I got attracted to him, he is gentle, good looking (and looks way younger than he actually is), and knows his subject well.

I was attracted to him in a way that did not motivate me to study harder (but I did well in his class at the end as I was always a good student), but rather a in distracting way. I would spend classes just staring at him trying to figure out what was so special about him that is distracting me; I've met guys who were more handsome, closer to my age, and also gentle and nice. So WHY HIM???

As time passed, I got to know more about him. I learned he is married, has kids, and is at least 15 years older than I am. That tortured me even more. How could I ever dare have such feelings towards a married man, let aside one of my professors?

I didn't know what to do. But I decided I should must delete him completely from my mind. I started missing his classes, and avoiding him like the plague. I would never go to him during his office hours or ask him anything. I was full of shame and embarrassment of my self that I was even afraid it would show on my face.

My conscious mind was fully aware that this person can never be mine, but still a part of me it attracted to him. It seems like what Just me stated it:

I When I spell it out like that, I don't even understand it, but my mind is kind of doing it's own thing, it seems.

I know this will pass and I will in no way pursue anything, but damn it's going to bug me for a while, in part because I don't even know why I'm feeling like this.

Exactly. I will never pursue anything, and this problem has bugged me for a long time. It actually continues till this day, because I've done my masters in the same institution, and now I'm a research assistant also in the same institution. I still run into him every now and then, and there are a lot of situations when I potentially have to meet him, which I all try to avoid, but this is costing me a lot. For example, I've missed lots of conferences, meetings, seminars, and departmental lunches, just because I knew he would be there.

I don't know if I'm over reacting, but I really don't know what to do. I'm really embarrassed and I do not like the idea of being attracted to him, but some part of me doesn't seem to let go. I sincerely wish him all happiness, and would never want to ruin his family life or anything. I just want to get over it safely, for me and for him.

It just maybe seems harder because we've been basically in the same place for a long time. I'm now applying for a PhD in a different country altogether (thankfully). But before I get accepted, there is still one more whole year ahead of me in this place.

Sorry for nagging, but I wanted some place to let out my feelings without being judged. I hope you won't.

Edited July 24, 2011 by PhD Pharmacist

[Neuronista]

I've had a general policy my entire life that I wouldn't get involved with anyone I went to school with. In high school that meant guys in my high school were off limits. In university that meant no guys in any of my classes (so no mechanical engineers, but other disciplines were OK). This policy has been in place to prevent general awkwardness, either from having to see the guy you are dating way too often, or having to see the guy you just broke up with way too often. I like a little separation in my life.

But sometimes you just can't help it, can you?

[Mal83]

PhDPharmacist, I certainly can't judge you, in fact, I know what it's like more than I let on. Aside from the harmless crushes I've had on male teachers, I got really attached to a male superior while I was in the Peace Corps. If I could use only one word to describe the 2 year "relationship" between us, it would be torture. Most likely not for him, but definitely for me. He must have picked up on my feelings to some extent, but probably didn't have the whole picture put together. We had a friendship of sorts I guess, he paid me more attention than the other volunteers under him, we certainly had a more personal relationship than we should have had. What exacerbated the whole thing for me was that I was in a foreign country adjusting to life there away from everything I have ever known and out of nowhere came this awesome person who was just right there for me...I mean it was his job to be, but he and I connected on a personal level immediately and I was smitten right off the bat.

So the problems were these: the two of us getting involved would have been unethical and threatening to our jobs, I was never really sure how he actually felt about me, he was a citizen of that country and wasn't even remotely interested in leaving, and the kicker was that I wasn't even sure if he was straight...sigh. I also couldn't understand really what it was about him that got me so hooked, he wasn't what we'd consider very attractive, he was much older, and we were total opposites in terms of lifestyle (he's a social butterfly that needs to be out and about all of the time at bars and clubs and that's just not me). To this day I can't figure it out, maybe it was just that I needed someone like him at that particular point in my life. But the torture part of it was that I craved his attention, we didn't/couldn't see each other often, but when we did it would just make me fall harder for him and then afterward I would go back to my routine feeling let down that nothing happened. I came to really want to be honest with him and just tell him, but I was much too afraid to do that, I came close once but didn't follow through. I also came to think he was sending me mixed signals and I would contemplate and fixate on these things in order to extract some sort of clue to his feelings...I hated myself for allowing this to go on and as much as I loved having him, my superior, as a friend, I really wished I didn't have to deal with it because life was hard enough there.

But as time went on and certain things happened or didn't happen, I began to realize that he could not have felt the same way about me, and for my own sanity I started to find relief in that realization. Towards the end of my service I actually began to resent him and my feelings definitely changed into embarrassment and shame that I let myself get so attached. So I didn't try as hard to contact him, I wasn't as overjoyed to be in his presence as before. Our last conversation we had before I left the country was him telling me that he noticed I wasn't as open with him the past few months and he didn't know what happened, I felt the tears well up in my eyes because as emotionally difficult as it had been with him, there was a part of me that still wanted to just blurt it all out...but I just told him that I couldn't really talk about it and my reasons didn't revolve around him (not true obviously), I knew it would be for nothing anyway, I wasn't staying in that country and he wasn't coming with me...I was so happy and overjoyed to be on my way home that almost immediately the impact he had on me faded away. And now, 2 years later I think of him and basically cringe, I'm completely indifferent towards him, we haven't been in touch for a while, there's really nothing to say and all in all I'm glad I kept my mouth shut. He goes to DC every so often for work and being that that's where I will go to school he'd certainly expect to meet up...good god, I can't even imagine what that would be like. So the more you avoid him and consider it impossible the faster you'll get over him, might take a while, but it'll be worth it to finally be free of that attraction.

[Agradatudent]

So far I've only noticed crushes on males in this thread. So maybe this is a female thing to do (or a homosexual male). I know as a guy I never had a "crush" on any professor or girl in a class in college. I'm normally to focused on the material to think about anything else (wow I sound like a nerd).

[Just me]

I'm so glad i'm not the only one who has felt these things. I admit I do get crushes pretty easily, and as much as I would love to get close and have those wonderful lovey-dovey butterflies in my belly, it wouldn't be worth it the next day when he and I couldn't look at one another without blushing. But hell, I won't lie - I sat behind him in class and I snuck glances at him. What can I say? He's handsome...a little too thin for my own tastes, but still good-looking and definitely looks much younger than he really is (I'd say he's in his mid- to late thirties and looks maybe 10 years younger). The weird thing is I didn't get all weak in the legs when I gave him a hug goodbye when we all went home (I hugged pretty much everyone, so it's not like I singled him out). I can usually sense romantic tension happening between myself and someone else and I think it's definitely one-sided in this case, which is good. This will help me get over how I feel.

I do kind of wish I could at least be his friend, though. And I mean that in a strictly platonic way - the other two folks in my class I have become friends with, and I kind of wish I could do the same with this guy just because he really does seem like a kind and interesting person. But I think he's more interested in being friends with folks more his own age and who are more intelligent (and in better shape, I'm sure). And I don't blame him. Aw well.

And I hate to even say this, but when I find myself attracted to someone who is not single, that almost makes me want to be charming and attractive to them even more. Like there's some small part of me that would be proud in being interesting/attractive/whatever enough to steal someone away from their significant other. I definitely try and block that part out, but I honestly have never "stolen" anyone. I do know one thing that would definitely turn me off to the guy (won't mention is since it's something that may apply to folks here and I don't want to start a shit storm), and I'm kind of hoping he reveals he possesses this trait. My attraction to him will plummet to zero in a nanosecond. Hoping hoping.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Just me

[ktel]

But sometimes you just can't help it, can you?

No, I think I keep my relationships pretty separate. As soon as a guy goes in the "friend" category, he is not coming out of that category. Maybe this is because I've been in such a male dominated field, but I feel it's crucial to my success that I don't get attached to the men I work and study with. It would just be inappropriate and I feel it would cause me to lose respect.

[indalomena]

ha ha, I get crushes all the time, but I don't worry about it (otherwise I would be even more of a bag of nerves!! ^_~) And -- in response to toypajme's observation -- I get crushes on women as well as men. They are always focused on people I feel are intellectually superior to/more advanced than me -- so, usually professors. What happens is usually that I develop a little crush on someone, think about them quite a bit over a period of a month or so, then the feeling burns itself out and I move on. It's pleasant and diverting, with no painful emotional consequences

I've been in a long-distance relationship for a while, so maybe this has taught me the art of the harmless crush. And even if I were single, I wouldn't act on one of these crushes, because I think it would be emotionally dangerous to me. If these feelings rely on maintaining a sense of intellectual inferiority, it could be a very unhealthy situation for me. I have a tendency towards unhealthy states of mind, and have to work hard to beat them down in a reasonable way -- so, although I can't stop myself from having crushes, I can assess them rationally, enjoy them at the time, and be aware that they are very far removed from the reality of my life!

Oh yes, and they do make me work harder. So it's all good

[Neuronista]

Sorry guys I've been away for a few days. Thanks all for sharing your stories

So the more you avoid him and consider it impossible the faster you'll get over him, might take a while, but it'll be worth it to finally be free of that attraction.

I also thought that the best would be to avoid him, for my own sanity. Because every time we meet I end up crying the whole day because I get more attached to him (I just couldn't find a fault in him, or maybe I'm too much blind/forgiving?) and I hate my self for that. Maybe I'm a little naive in these matters, because I don't usually get a lot of crushes, and I've long been the nerdy girl who doesn't know much about the world outside her books. He's one of the first crushes I've ever got, and the strongest, and the the longest-lasting.

I also don't want to look like a jerk who's just running away from him for no obvious reason (to him, and to other people, who started to notice I'm missing out on a lot of occasions), and sometimes I get afraid this very act of avoidance may give out a hint of something. I don't know

Edited August 1, 2011 by PhD Pharmacist

[Eisenmann]

pharm- I guess I'm similar to you in that I that I don't usually get crushes or find girls I think I'll like. However, when I do find someone I am attracted to, I just go for it.

You may find that you just want to be friends with him and nothing more. (Thats what usually happens to me anyways).

[Just me]

Sometimes I wonder if maybe sometimes my crushes are just an overblown desire to become the guy's friend. I do tend to make better friends with men than I do with women because I think I'm more of a tomboy than a girly girl, so maybe some of those crushes are just my mind screaming out to make friends with whoever the focus of my desire is. And maybe sometimes it really is more than a need for friendship - being someone who has looked rather undesirable her whole life, sometimes I almost do want them to look my way so I can say, "Hey, I caught someone's eye. I'm not a complete pile of festering shit." I know this sounds superficial, but I know for a fact I have fallen harder than I'd have liked to for a couple guy friends in the sense that I think I did have a romantic interest in them.

So if there is such an interest in my classmate, it's pretty weak right now. I don't know about anyone else, but I have never ever made the first move in regards to any of my crushes because I was terrified of losing them as friends if they didn't feel the same. And this is not like undergrad where the person I'm crushing on might be in a whole other major - this guy right now is in my major, my year, and usually sits near me since my class is so small. Not easy to avoid him.

And I actually worry about the avoidance too. I swear, I automatically will look away if I find I accidentally make eye contact with the guy (unless we're talking to each other, in which case I do look), and I will maintain a "safe" distance from him while I don't mind being right next to anyone else in class. I hope he doesn't notice this. You'd think the way I behave, I'm in a neglectful relationship, but hell, I understand these little crushes are just part of my screwy personality and that I need to accept them as a quirk and not try to deny they exist. The only thing is sometimes these crushes DO distract me from class or from working, especially if the guy is right beside me. It's not often, but if I can admire him without being caught, I will do so. Doing that in undergrad wasn't an issue because undergrad was easy shit, but I need to actually pay attention to class in grad school.

Edited August 1, 2011 by Just me

[Neuronista]

However, when I do find someone I am attracted to, I just go for it.

You may find that you just want to be friends with him and nothing more. (Thats what usually happens to me anyways).

In my case, it's my professor I'm having this crush on. It's a very awkward situation. I've been in "friendship" relationships with several other professors, but this particular one intimidates me, because of the those feelings I have for him. I'm always afraid that getting close to him 1. would make me miserable because I can't have him. 2. I'd let out (do or say) something that will expose my feelings. That's why I chose avoidance.

And maybe sometimes it really is more than a need for friendship - being someone who has looked rather undesirable her whole life, sometimes I almost do want them to look my way so I can say, "Hey, I caught someone's eye. I'm not a complete pile of festering shit." I know this sounds superficial, but I know for a fact I have fallen harder than I'd have liked to for a couple guy friends in the sense that I think I did have a romantic interest in them.

You are so much like me in several ways

[Gelpfrat the Bold]

I've had crushes on lots of people I felt I shouldn't have thought about that way. By chance (perhaps owing to gender trends in my subfield) most of my influential teachers/professors have been men and I've developed sort of inappropriate feelings for a couple of them. But it's never manifested itself into a real crush where I hope something happens between us. In fact, in both cases I can think of, the thought of actually having sexual contact with these men repulses me. I think it's just something that happens when I spend time around men I respect - part of my head gets confused and starts thinking of them in ways I'd think about a potential partner. For whatever reason, I tend develop unexpected crushes on nerdy guys who are confident in their abilities but humble in public settings. I never admit these crushes I get to my friends because often they involve some of the least attractive men around, the sort of people whose sex lives others joke about. Also because I don't actually have the desire to act on them. Maybe it's a confused sort of desire for friendship. In any case, if you're worried about your feelings materializing into something, I'd suggest telling a friend or two about the situation so that if they see you entering dangerous waters in a social situation, they can pull you out of it and prevent you from doing or saying something you'd regret.