Moving away from your partner/significant other?

[Bonkers]

While it might have been one of my last considerations during the application and matriculation process, as I am getting ready to move away, I worry about what is to happen with my relationship. My S.O. of two years is also an academic and will be finishing his PhD in the next year. Seeing as how many of his newly graduated colleagues are doing post-docs in Germany (where science funding still exists), I am becoming pessimistic. Every time someone asks about us, I say, "we will worry when the problem presents itself," which is my usual response for anything having to do with the unforeseeable future. However, after all these years of worrying about what I want and taking care of my own ambitions, I am feeling stupid for getting all emotional and crap about being geographically distant from my S.O. I feel really stupid and lame. I was so excited about graduate school--and of course, I still am--but suddenly now, I am getting nervous and sad. I feel very stupid for not being as excited as I was a couple of months ago. I am nervous about living alone again and not having both my S.O. and the cats with me.

Will it ever feel not lame to try to coordinate things in your life so you can be closer to someone?

Similar stories out there?

[ktel]

This is a very personal issue and depends on what you are willing to compromise on for your relationship. Personally, I only applied to schools in one city so I could live with my SO in the city where his full-time job is now. Luckily, one of the best schools in Canada is in this city and the program I applied to is very strong.

My SO is 2 years older than me and completed his undergrad degree in 5 years. I completed mine in 4. Hence there was one year where he had to decide whether he was going to move to go to the job he has now or stick around. He stuck around to do an M.Eng. that he didn't necessarily want to do and didn't really enjoy. That was his compromise. Now I've made mine.

I hate doing long distance for prolonged periods, so it would be more important to me to try to work out staying in the same city as my SO. If there was a really amazing opportunity that I couldn't pass up, I wouldn't. But then he would probably work something out to come with me, I would imagine. We've decided to make staying together a priority over certain life goals, I suppose.

[lmiskin]

Hi Bonkers! I'm in a very similar situation - my boyfriend of 6 years works in finance in NYC and I'm moving to Texas to pursue my PhD in English Literature. He's been extremely supportive about the entire process, and plans to eventually move to Texas with me, but like you, I can't help but feel anxious.. All I can say is that if you both are committed to each other, try to stay as optimistic as possible. You could stay in the same city and still break up, or live halfway across the country and remain together - just take it one step at a time. The best advice I've received from people in long distance relationships (and I have two friends who were together - very happily - while she lived in New Jersey and he lived in Japan) is to always have plans to see each other again in the future. Even if it is in a couple months or more, know exactly when you will see each other again, so that you have something to be excited about. Good luck to you, and congratulations on your acceptance!

[waiting123]

I just had to part with my boyfriend this morning. We have been together for two years and now we have to spend another two apart. We're going to see each other once a month as well as summer and winter breaks. He will finish his program at the same time I finish mine (21 months...) and then we will make sure to move forward together. He helped me set up my new house and has been out here for a month so it'll definitely be difficult to be alone for the next week or so.

I think you just need to look really hard at yourself to see what's most important to you. For me school is really important and I think we can make it through the LDR. If we break up I think it will be more of a problem with the relationship rather than the LDR. If I didn't think we could handle it then I don't know if I would have chosen to continue at a school without him. Maybe it changes as we age and all the adult lovey stuff becomes more important to us.

[ogopo]

I am moving away from my SO of four years, and we plan on being apart for two years. After two years he is supposed to join me in the Midwest. Currently he has an amazing job that is a great foot in the door for his career so he has to make a positive impact there before he can move.

Although I am very excited about my new lab and I'm even excited about the city I'm moving to, in this last week before I move, I am more sad and anxious about leaving him. I feel like we will be ok. We have plans already for when we will see each other and we have plans for talking daily on the phone but I can't help but feel sad.

The fortunate thing is that he is not in academia. He is an engineer and should not have difficulty finding work most anywhere. So down the road, we won't have to worry as much about trying to find work in the same city.

[hitomimay]

My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years now, and last year was our first year apart. It was rough because I missed him so much, but both of us were getting our Masters from different institutions, and we both know this is what we wanted and needed for our careers in order to better support our future family together. We're both applying for our doctorates this year, and will hope that after two years apart, we will finally be closer to one another. However, if we have to spend another 4-5 years apart, it's knowing that we are both deeply invested in one another, and want the same future together that keeps us strong.

Not going to lie, it's rough, but it's doable. If you have questions or need advice or even a listening ear, I'm here.

[cogscipixie]

I've been in a LDR for almost 3 years now, with part of the first and second years as long-distance. Now we're going into our 3rd year together, and I moved away 2 hrs to the Cleveland/Akron area to start my doctoral work. He's still in Pittsburgh beginning his 2nd year getting his MPA through Pitt's GSPIA program. Hopefully after next spring he will be getting a job in Ohio, so we can actually start our lives permanently together in the same place. It's sometimes tough in your 20's and living in the 21st century where everyone is on the move, and you have to be somewhat flexible to start up your career, whatever that may be. It's tough, and I miss him so much, but it helps me keep focused during the week so we can travel and see each other every few weeks.

[runonsentence]

However, after all these years of worrying about what I want and taking care of my own ambitions, I am feeling stupid for getting all emotional and crap about being geographically distant from my S.O. I feel really stupid and lame. I was so excited about graduate school--and of course, I still am--but suddenly now, I am getting nervous and sad. I feel very stupid for not being as excited as I was a couple of months ago. I am nervous about living alone again and not having both my S.O. and the cats with me.

Will it ever feel not lame to try to coordinate things in your life so you can be closer to someone?

It's not lame to value your relationship. You'll meet all kinds of people in academia: all of us are willing to take on different levels and kinds of sacrifices in our personal lives, when it comes to our careers.

Part of what made my decision when I was deciding between two competing PhD acceptances last spring was my relationship. In the end, because there really was no bad decision between the two programs, I chose the one in the same city as my partner (who can't leave, as he's in the middle of a dual degree program) because I knew it would make me unhappy to leave him. And I knew that, for me, it wasn't worth sacrificing my happiness to move 7.5 hours north.

Sometime soon—perhaps after you're settled in your new city—I recommend sitting down and being honest with yourself about the kinds of sacrifices you're prepared to make in the future for your career. Knowing what you're willing to endure for your degree/career, and what you're not willing to give up, will make any future decisions a bit easier, I think.

[nehs]

I was away from my SO when we were no even married and it was a cross-continent thing. This was about 3 years ago. Was it hard? Yes. Is it impossible to be commited to the relationship? No. So that's it. Be honest and truthful.Communicate feelings every day. I had an arrangement in which we bot hwould send the day's updates via e-mail, this made us 'connect' ; for us time zones(8-10 hours difference) was another issue to handle. But, we made it through. I used the time to spend more time with my family, friends and work.

Hang in there, the time will fly by and then, hopefully, you will never have to do this again. Good Luck.