She swings and she... Misses? Homerun?

[bubawizwam]

I'm sure that you are all quite sick of my SOP drafts by now, but I'm hoping for some feedback on my newest creation. I'm taking a new approach.

Armed guards escorted me to a large room. Fifteen young men were seated around three tables. “Welcome to XXX Juvenile Correctional Facility,” one man said. I was surrounded by criminals: murderers, arsonists, drug dealers, and more. An older woman handed me a piece of paper. “Deviance and Criminology,” it read. I glanced over the paper; it was my syllabus. Professor XXX taught this course many times before, but in this particular year she took a risk. Fifteen students were from The College of Wooster, and fifteen were from a maximum-security juvenile detention center. We were not there to study the inmates; they were our classmates.

From the moment I entered the classroom I was hooked. Not only did I have Durkheim, Merton, and Sutherland introducing me to sociological theories of crime and deviance, but I also had classmates with unparalleled knowledge of the criminal justice system. While that course ended over five years ago, my academic interest in criminology and deviance has held steadfast. My thoughts linger on my classmates, the young men placed behind lock and key. How did these young men, men who I came to consider friends, find themselves engaging in deviant and criminal acts? Was there no one in their homes, schools, or communities who sought to intervene? When I think about these individuals, I cannot quiet these thoughts.

As I prepare myself to embark upon the academic journey known as graduate school, I know where my coursework will take me. I am beckoned to the study of criminology and deviance, the engagement of juveniles within the justice system, and the institutional intervention programs designed to correct juvenile delinquency. Institutions use numerous programs in an attempt to address the issue of juvenile and adolescent delinquency. In particular, I am interested in intervention programs within the educational setting. There is no shortage of schools for deviant and delinquent youth, each which tout a particular philosophy of “treatment.” As a graduate student at Ohio State University, I would direct my interest in deviance and criminology to the study of such “prevention” and “rehabilitation” school programs. I propose a study of school intervention programs to determine assumptions regarding the causes of deviancy and the effectiveness of these programs. Additionally, I intend to examine the relationship of programs’ assumptions to already established social theories of deviance, and the degree to which current theories prove applicable to contemporary American society.

To undertake such research, I would select a sample of schools that self identify as addressing juvenile and adolescent delinquency. I would conduct a qualitative examination of school websites, program literature, and informal interviews to determine school philosophies on deviance. I would also engage in quantitative analysis from school and state records to evaluate program effectiveness, as measured by a set of parameters such as student recidivism rates. This data could then be examined to better understand the distinct approaches that education-based prevention programs use, their effectiveness, and the ability of contemporary social theory to explain juvenile and adolescent delinquency.

Although this is a large task, I know that I have the qualities needed to be a successful graduate student and skilled researcher. As a junior at The College of XXX, I demonstrated my quantitative knowledge skills as the teaching apprentice for an upper-level social statistics course. I was responsible for grading homework, holding office hours, and providing classroom support for SPSS. In my senior year, I undertook a year-long independent research project culminating in a 100+ page thesis titled Examining the Cultural Transmission of Chinese Mythical Beings: A Lesson in Hermeneutics. I wrote literature reviews, studied and applied social theories, applied for and received research funding, traveled to conduct interviews, transcribed conversations, and coded data. Following the completion of this paper, I presented my research at a campus forum, explaining my findings to students, professors, and local residents. My work in the sociology department earned me membership to Alpha Kappa Delta in my senior year.

The department of sociology at Ohio State University is uniquely equipped to help me reach my academic and professional goals. OSU’s department of sociology places a strong focus on deviance and criminology while other schools gloss over this sociological subset. Access to the Criminal Justice Research Center allows for high-quality research in the field as a graduate student, and professors such as Douglas Downey, Dana Haynie, and Christopher Browning ensure professional mentors with interests intersecting my own. Additionally, I am eager to utilize the resources offered by the Sociology Teaching Resource Center, which I trust will help me develop the skills necessary to become an efficient teacher of sociology.

I believe that Ohio State University will help me to become a true student of sociology— a field researcher, a statistician, a social theorist, a writer, and a thinker. In turn, I promise to bring integrity, energy, and an insatiable thirst for knowledge. I will stay late after class to discuss questions that had been brewing in my head throughout the day’s lecture and discussion. I will bond with my cohort while debating the merits of using the works of European social theorists to explain non-European social phenomena. I will utilize all the resources available and look to be a resource to others. I am ready to be the type of student that I hope to one day foster as a teacher.

[mv0027]

A few thoughts, but before that, a full disclosure. I have never applied to a PhD and don't plan til probably 2013 (even then, it might not be sociology). I've also never taken a sociology class, and I just started considering sociology. In other words, feel free to completely ignore my comments.

- Personally, I'm not a fan of the "grab your attention" style introduction you are going for. It isn't the type of language you see in research papers, so it doesn't help your case. To me, it comes across as unprofessional and immature, not as "this person really has a passion for sociology," which I believe is what you are going for.

- The section on the research you want to do seems a little to specific. I would open it up to include several questions you want to work towards answering. These question should show that you are familiar with the current issues/questions being work towards in criminology and deviance literature. Also, I would suggest referring specific faculty in the department whose work interests you.

- Your section on your thesis is vague. I know nothing about criminology, but if you substitute the name of the thesis, that paragraph could be talking about any thesis. What literature did you review? What theories did you apply? How much research funding did you receive? Also, most importantly, what where the main findings and conclusions on your thesis? Or, where did your thesis come up short that you would like to look further into.

- You mention that you want to do quantitative analysis and that you were the TA for a stats course (stats is something I do know a lot about) but there is zero indication that you are familiar with stat techniques in this SOP. This could probably be addresses when you take about your thesis or by explaining what the course you TAed cover (e.g. descriptive statistics on cross sectional and time series data set from XYZ crime survey).

Hope this helps! Again, I have no qualifications to give advice so....take it or leave it. Overall, it is really good!

[DustSNK]

Hey I recall reading your SOP a bit back. Listen, and I mean this with all kindness, if you every want to get into a SOC program DROP THE STORY INTRO!!!!!! You made a lot of great improvements from your last SOP, very good stuff!! But you just want to add your little story so bad in there. I get it. But you came here for cold hard reality, and this is that. If I were a Prof. I would take one look at your intro and just dismiss everything you wrote. You have to do a lot of intense work in a Soc prog. You will be up against some very qualified people, with research interests that are well developed already and fit very will with the faculty there. No one wants to teach "one of those people". In SOC I really feel you would be "one of those students" to the reader, if you include your story. If you were applying to another program they would probably love it! But this is SOC, it's a valid difficult creative science and no established Prof. could care less about a story. I know I'm being very harsh, but hey I am in the same boat as you. It's good to hear the harsh reality of this business cause you will find a place that is better for you, and will not take it to heart when things don't go as planned and that's what it is all about. CUT the damn story out! :)You should spend like a paragraph tops explaining how the past work you learned will help you. No one wants to read a romanticized story of your attachment to SOC. You need to spend a few dollars and buy some good books on Amazon so you know what you are up against! I mean like grad essay books, grad school "what to do what not to do" kinda books. It's great you have a personal attachment to the science, and that it fueled your passion, but no one will care and it will hurt you if you spend 3 paragraphs on it. Sorry again I know my language is harsh, but I think you need to hear it. Just trying to show some tough love ok? Read this, I think it is a great guide I got from a MA program director...........

Statement of Research Interest

Keep these basics in mind as you write your personal statement: length, writing style, tone, feedback and revision, and content.

Length

In general, a good personal statement will be around one single-spaced page. In our experience, shorter statements provide too little information; longer statements are redundant and wordy. Above all, aim for quality rather than quantity. No reader will appreciate your stretching one page worth of information into two or three pages. Remember, readers will be assessing the content of your personal statement as well as your ability to communicate effectively and concisely.

Writing Style

Your personal statement is your opportunity to create a good first impression. This means your writing must be clear and correct. No one is impressed by careless grammatical and typographical errors. Failure to attend to such details raises concerns about conscientiousness and reliability. Remember, paying attention to detail and writing well are extremely important research skills. You also should attend carefully to your use of vocabulary. Large doses of unusual or obscure vocabulary will only distract readers and cause them to doubt your writing ability.

Tone

Do not misinterpret the meaning of personal in the phrase personal statement! This statement is not a place for you to espouse your personal philosophy of life, to describe in detail your first romance, or to tell the story of the time you were bitten by the neighbor's dog and subsequently developed an anxiety disorder. Instead, think of the statement as a professional statement. Write about the activities and experiences that led you to apply to graduate school and that have prepared you for its rigors. Provide concrete, detailed examples of your experiences and abilities when possible. Above all, write in a professional tone that conveys your self-confidence: You need to showcase your abilities and convince the reader that you are smart and driven to succeed. The personal statement is a chance to sell yourself--now is not the time to be overly humble, hiding your assets. Of course, you should not misrepresent yourself, and you should avoid sounding pompous.

Feedback and Revision

After you have drafted your statement, solicit detailed feedback from one or more professors and incorporate their suggestions into subsequent drafts. Few professors will consider this an imposition – as long as your first draft is well written and solid, and you give them enough time. Start writing early and give your professors at least two weeks to read your statement. Never wait until the eleventh hour to begin writing and then expect your professors to drop everything and read your statement only days before the application deadline! (Follow that advice in approaching faculty for recommendation letters, too.)

Content: The Key Components of a Statement

Previous Research Experience

The faculty evaluating your application are interested in your research experience, so briefly discuss important projects you've worked on. Aim to convince the reader that you understood all aspects of the work, not just your specific duties. Show that you made the effort to understand the goals of the research (e.g., by reading articles related to the research and discussing the work with your research supervisors). Finally, state how your research experiences shaped your attitude toward research in general and toward research in a given domain. Explain why your experience did or did not make you want to continue working in that area of the discipline.

Current Research Interests

Indicate your reasons for wishing to pursue graduate studies and describe your research interests. You should have a good idea of this before you apply, because you should pick potential graduate programs based on the fit between your and the faculty's research interests. This doesn't mean that you have to know exactly what you want to study. For example, you might be interested in one or two areas of research. In general, it's best to be neither too broad nor too narrow in defining your interests.

Once you have clarified your research interests and identified schools with faculty whose research programs could accommodate those interests, tailor your personal statement so that it will stand out to faculty whose research interests you. To do this intelligently, you need to do your homework. Familiarize yourself with the research conducted by faculty members in the programs you are considering by reading their Web pages (if available), by locating articles they have published, and/or by contacting them and requesting reprints of, or electronic links to, their publications. (Such pre-application contact sends a positive message to the faculty member about your interest in his or her work.) Then, in your statement, briefly mention what interested you about the professors' work. State your preferred research interests, but express your openness to studying related topics – that is, topics you honestly would be happy studying. Indicating how your research interests are related to one or more faculty members’ areas of expertise will increase your chances of getting accepted into a particular program.

Career Goals

The final component is one that is often overlooked – a statement of what you would like to do after graduating from the program. If you have chosen to pursue graduate training, you should have at least a general idea of the type of career you would like to have once you receive your degree. Convince your reader that you understand your options, and explain why you favor a particular career goal. It is fine to discuss a couple of options and to be uncertain about which option you will likely pursue, but in any case, make sure you are up-front about your intentions and that the options you are considering match the goals of the program.

In Conclusion

The clearer you are with yourself about your goals and interests, the clearer you will be in writing about them in your personal statement. Be honest, professional, and self-confident. Then rest assured that you represented yourself accurately and fairly, and that, in turn, you have maximized the chances that admissions outcomes will be driven by accurate assessments of your potential fit with the programs to which you apply.

Good luck ok! And stop with the stories!

Edited August 30, 2011 by DustSNK

[bubawizwam]

I can cut out the first two paragraphs of the essay completely and add in a bit more about the class I TA'd. I was really debating how detailed I should be in discussing my senior thesis. I can talk about the sources I used, theorists I read, etc., but my current research interests are significantly different from that paper.

[mv0027]

I'm off the opinion that you should write what will get you in, not what you actually want to research. Since what your thesis and research interests are so far off, though, you might be right though. Nonetheless, use it as a chance to show off.

The second paragraph doesn't need to be chopped, but modified. It is fine to talk about how your interests developed, but again, in a way that sounds more professional and less personal.

[lambspam]

I respectfully disagree with mv0027 and DustSNK. I've applied to sociology grad programs twice, first to an MS and then to a round of PhDs, and my applications were successful at a number of top programs using an introductory narrative. It makes you sound like a real human, which can be refreshing to adcoms. It's not too personal -- it's directly related to your field of interest and and provides context for your application. Also, what a cool class!

I agree about the second paragraph -- doesn't really add much and just sounds kind of fluffy. Instead, consider making your first paragraph say a little more about you. The best advice I've heard (from Asher's "Graduate Admissions Essay," I think) is to limit any narrative intro to five sentences and to make sure each one of them counts.

You may also want to tighten up the research interest paragraph (the one that begins with, "As I prepare myself to embark upon the academic journey"). It could be condensed by 25-50% (and made a little more clear) just by reducing some superfluous wording.

Be sure to keep an eye on word count. It looks like yours is around 900 and most applications will limit you to 500 words or one page.

Also, you do a fantastic job of articulating your knowledge of the program, faculty, and available resources. It's clear you did your homework, which adcoms love to see.

[barilicious]

Fwiw, I also disagree with the above posters. I too got into top programs, and I started with a catchy introduction. I'll post it below, and you can take it for however you would like.

"Queer! Faggot! Sissy! Pervert! – these stigmatizing aspersions often replaced my name XXXXX. Constantly, I heard these invective words used to describe people similar to me. These vituperations reminded me that my social identity was spoiled, and as Erving Goffman wrote in Stigma, I was left standing as “...a discredited person facing an unaccepting world.” As a gay, effeminate man, I internalized these disparaging words, and like many stigmatized individuals, I felt shame about the discredited characteristics that were a part of me. I needed an escape."

[DustSNK]

See there are people who wrote in this style and got into programs! Really shows my personal opinion how in the end there is no magic formula Also I am not in a program. Got denied once and was told by the grad director that I wasn't focused enough on my SOP. Which is true! I think this is a very daunting task (as I am sure you can agree with) to undertake. So my opinions on your essay come from the 6+ months of work I have been doing on trying to write that darn SOP in a way that will best be understood by the "gods" of a program

I think if you wrote it in a style like barilcious that would be great. It is a narrative more aligned to what should be in a SOP, and is only a paragraph long. I'll stand behind my research and the words from kind Professors, that you should not do more than a paragraph. If you make the SOP too personal, you open it up to the personal disposition of the professor reading it. And from what I hear goes on during the crunch time where a committee has to twiddle down 30 applications to 15, 1 professor can make that difference. Basically your content is great, I was just commenting on the style. What you should really do is get off this site and run your butt down to a professor you know! But I know we cant all have that. I didn't when I first applied. I was working abroad for a few years and really did not keep close relationships. So currently I'm taking grad classes as a non-degree with the intent to work more closely on letting the faculty get to know me, and have a professor critique my work/applications before I send it off.

Edited August 31, 2011 by DustSNK

[Prospective Soc Student]

Three suggestions:

1) Instead of using just your enrollment in the class as your "hook," consider discussing something you learned in the class. You run the risk of looking out of touch if your main point is that you encountered criminals for the first time and just being around them opened your eyes to xyz

2) You overuse the semicolon for dramatic effect, which makes the essay choppy. Check your sentence structure to make sure that it varies.

3) This is minor, but I am personally turned off by the promise to stay after class for further discussion. As a practical matter, nobody really has time for that, and those are usually the people we all don't like, haha. The sentiment is good and genuine, but going to that length is not really necessary.

[bubawizwam]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I apologize for requesting so much help on my SOP, and recognize that I have used a lot of space in the forum for my own personal needs. I hope that this editing process can benefit another graduate school hopeful, typing aimlessly on his or her computer to create the essay that will wow admission committees. The suggestions everyone offered have been immensely helpful. It can be difficult to see so much criticism of my work, but I believe that it has helped me create a stronger essay. For my most recent draft, I reworked my introduction and tried to better market myself, writing more of my past research experience. I hope that this is the last draft that I will need to post before making my final alterations. I am concerned that I write too much about the topic of my senior thesis to the point of distracting from the skills I learned. I would appreciate any feedback, and hope that I am one step closer to a strong final product.

____

I am beckoned to the study of criminology and deviance. Who are the boys and girls titled deviants and delinquents, and what impact do school intervention programs have on their lives? There is no shortage of schools for deviant and delinquent youth, each which tout a particular philosophy of “treatment.” As a graduate student at Ohio State University, I would direct my interest in deviance and criminology to the study of such “prevention” and “rehabilitation” school programs.

School programs follow a variety of intervention models, each rooted in assumptions about deviancy. As a graduate student, I would research school intervention programs, identify the assumptions they use to determine “treatment” plans, and evaluate the effectiveness of these programs in addressing juvenile delinquency. Such research not only has practical implications for school and communities, but also has the potential to add to sociological theory. I believe that schools’ assumptions of deviancy will likely mimic contemporary social theories of crime. If such correlation were present, a school’s success rate would potentially indicate the effectiveness of a social theory to explain juvenile delinquency.

To undertake such research, I would select a sample of schools that self identify as addressing juvenile and adolescent delinquency. I would conduct a qualitative examination of school websites, program literature, and informal interviews to determine school philosophies on deviance. I would also engage in quantitative analysis from school and state records to evaluate program effectiveness, as measured by a set of parameters such as student recidivism rates. This data could then be examined to better understand the distinct approaches that education-based prevention programs use, their effectiveness, and the ability of contemporary social theory to explain juvenile and adolescent delinquency.

Although this is a large task, I know that I have the qualities needed to be a successful graduate student and skilled researcher. As a junior at The College of XXX, I demonstrated my quantitative knowledge skills as the teaching apprentice for an upper-level social statistics course. I was responsible for grading and correcting homework, holding weekly office hours, and providing general classroom support. I frequently met with students outside of my office hours to review the uses of SPSS, explain the difference between t-tests and ANOVA test, model hypothesis testing, and review how to calculate confidence intervals. Come exam time, I offered additional study sessions to interested students to assist with creating study guides, completing final projects, and answering general test questions.

In my senior year, I undertook a year-long independent research project culminating in a 100+ page thesis titled Examining the Cultural Transmission of Chinese Mythical Beings: A Lesson in Hermeneutics. To understand the ways in which Chinese mythical beings were transferred across cultures and languages for Western audiences, I worked closely with two advisors who guided me through the independent research process in tasks such as conducting literature reviews, submitting a research proposal to the Human Subjects Board, and determining proper sampling and interviewing techniques. I conducted a content analysis of numerous Chinese myths to examine the terminology used to identify and describe the mythical beings. To create a visual snapshot of my findings, I designed a taxonomy to compare Western and Chinese creatures. Additionally, I applied for and was granted university funding to allow for traveling to New York City’s Chinatown, where I interview 10+ Chinese and Chinese-Americans regarding their knowledge of Chinese mythical beings. Following my trip, I transcribed each interview and analyzed the data for common themes. I then turned to social theorists such as Hans-Georg Gadamer, for his theory of hermeneutics, and Max Weber, for his concept of Verstehen, to explain the trends I observed regarding the transmission of Chinese mythical beings across languages and cultures. After completing my analysis and submitting my written thesis, I then successfully defending my research to a panel of three sociology professors. Following the completion of this paper and its defense, I presented my research at a campus forum, explaining my findings to students, professors, and local residents. My work in the sociology department earned me membership to Alpha Kappa Delta in my senior year.

The department of sociology at Ohio State University is uniquely equipped to help me reach my academic and professional goals. OSU’s department of sociology places a strong focus on deviance and criminology while other schools gloss over this sociological subset. Access to the Criminal Justice Research Center allows for high-quality research in the field as a graduate student, and professors such as Douglas Downey, Dana Haynie, and Christopher Browning ensure professional mentors with interests intersecting my own. Additionally, I am eager to utilize the resources offered by the Sociology Teaching Resource Center, which I trust will help me develop the skills necessary to become an efficient teacher of sociology.

I believe that Ohio State University will help me to become a true student of sociology— a field researcher, a statistician, a social theorist, a writer, and a thinker. In turn, I promise to bring integrity, energy, and an insatiable thirst for knowledge. I will stay late after class to discuss questions that had been brewing in my head throughout the day’s lecture and discussion. I will bond with my cohort while debating the merits of using the works of European social theorists to explain non-European social phenomena. I will utilize all the resources available and look to be a resource to others. I am ready to be the type of student that I hope to one day foster as a teacher.

Edited September 5, 2011 by bubawizwam

[captiv8ed]

Hi, I don't have time to read the whole of your statement. But I am not crazy about your opening and closing paragraphs. The first two sentences come across as awkward to me. Also, in your first sentence you say you are beckoned by sociology. Of course you are, that's why you are applying to graduate school! And the last paragraph sounds like you are kissing up and giving too much information.

Good luck, the application process is a horrible one!

[Roll Right]

I respectfully disagree with mv0027 and DustSNK. I've applied to sociology grad programs twice, first to an MS and then to a round of PhDs, and my applications were successful at a number of top programs using an introductory narrative. It makes you sound like a real human, which can be refreshing to adcoms. It's not too personal -- it's directly related to your field of interest and and provides context for your application. Also, what a cool class!

I agree about the second paragraph -- doesn't really add much and just sounds kind of fluffy. Instead, consider making your first paragraph say a little more about you. The best advice I've heard (from Asher's "Graduate Admissions Essay," I think) is to limit any narrative intro to five sentences and to make sure each one of them counts.

You may also want to tighten up the research interest paragraph (the one that begins with, "As I prepare myself to embark upon the academic journey"). It could be condensed by 25-50% (and made a little more clear) just by reducing some superfluous wording.

Be sure to keep an eye on word count. It looks like yours is around 900 and most applications will limit you to 500 words or one page.

Also, you do a fantastic job of articulating your knowledge of the program, faculty, and available resources. It's clear you did your homework, which adcoms love to see.

I agree with this. I was actually instructed to use a narrative style by some of the departments I was applying to. This is the one broad rule for SOP: write it for the department, not for you. So, if you're applying to a highly qualitative, humanistic department, (such as a public sociology department) then you ought to use a narrative approach. I mean, you'll be dealing with a lot of narratives yourself in such a department!

I think larger quantitative programs will want a professional statement that is somewhat "value free". So personal narratives may not work here.

Oh, and don't try and sound too heady and intellectual. This isn't a scholarly piece. And sociologists are historically bad writers. Use some simple language. This is a persuasive writing piece. You needs to say what you want to say using the least amount of words possible while also structuring a cohesive argument. There are passages in here that just don't flow because of the use of intellectual language - this poetry and prose used so often by sociologists. Don't mimic Parsons!

Edited September 15, 2011 by Roll Right