please critique my first draft...

[rockyhill]

Hello everyone..I'm cramming to finish my personal statement. Just wrote the first draft, but need some thoughts. The word limit is 500, so I just kept it at around 460. Please share your comment on how I can possibly improve? Thank you!

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At 10:40 p.m., my phone rings as I hop on a cab outside my office in downtown Tokyo. It’s the press manager at Pfizer Japan, the one who arranged my interview with the company’s president earlier in the day. She apparently read the story in the first edition of The Tokyo Times and isn’t happy that I didn’t take the angle she pitched. For the next 15 minutes, she gives a semi-compelling speech to convince me into changing a few “controversial” parts for the final edition. I listen to her, rebut where needed, refuse and hang up. And then I ask myself, “What could she have said to make me call my editor?”

This is the kind of question I’ve been asking myself much more lately. Having worked as a journalist for the past six years, I interacted with dozens of public relations officials of all levels in both public and private sectors. I’ve seen up close the kind of work they do and quickly developed curiosity and interest in the profession, so much that I’ve decided to pursue a master’s degree focusing on public and media relations.

I know this is a challenging field of study, but I am confident that my strong background as a reporter better prepares me for the rigorous program at Johns Hopkins University. Being on the receiving end of major marketing campaigns and PR pitches, I know what stories sell in the real world. Although journalists are known to make good public relations people, I don’t want to simply rely on my career. I want to study the fundamentals because I know there is much more to the industry that I must explore.

I believe my undergraduate degree in journalism and years of newsroom experience honed my writing skills and ability to meet tight deadlines, all of which will help me successfully take on a demanding curriculum.

Returning to school particularly holds more meaning for me as I’ve had an unusual college experience. While attending Boston College, I had to tutor 30 hours a week to support myself, which forced me to sacrifice a large chunk of my time and energy. My grades suffered, but I avoided having to take a second leave of absence due to financial reasons. Now that I am in a better position, I am eager to focus only on my studies.

Upon completing your program, I plan to take a new career path in public relations. I intend to begin in the corporate sector in the U.S. and ultimately return to Japan, where I hope to take part in the government’s efforts to promote the country’s culture overseas. I am confident that Johns Hopkins University will best equip me to play an influential role in the industry.

Edited October 5, 2011 by rockyhill

[cooperstreet]

Rewrite this. Start from scratch.

"Although journalists are known to make good public relations people, I don’t want to simply rely on my career. I want to study the fundamentals because I know there is much more to the industry that I must explore."

Be more specific.

Do you speak Japanese? If so mention that.

[fuzzylogician]

I don't think this needs to be rewritten from scratch but you should shift the focus from the past to the present/future. The whole first paragraph is redundant, I would leave it out completely or else find a way to expand the last sentence and integrate it in a paragraph that discusses your interests in greater detail. Condense the discussion of your journalistic past and discuss it only once; right now you're repeating it in several paragraphs. Third paragraph: too general. Be specific, and use less conversational language. Fourth paragraph: repetitive; cut or move. Fifth paragraph: I'm not sure you need to explain away undergrad grades since you're not applying straight out of college but it depends on your record. The explanation feels a bit long, though, maybe there is a way to tighten it up. Last paragraph: more of this, please! expand on your plans and interests. Also, add a dedicated 'fit' paragraph and be more specific about why the program you're applying to is right for you.

[cooperstreet]

I should add that rewriting from stratch is a preferred method of mine for drafting the SOP, you can then take the best of both drafts and merge them together. YMMV.

[butterfingers2010]

Personally I love the first paragraph. It really drew me in as a reader because it's attention-grabbing and interesting, and I think you should definitely keep it.

The fourth paragraph is only a sentence long, which isn't technically a paragraph...so you should integrate it in somewhere else.

The last paragraph is a bit confusing to me. which country's culture are you trying to promote...the U.S. or Japan? It just wasn't very clear. Do you speak Japanese? How familiar are you with the culture? These are definitely things you should mention, as being bilingual and multicultural helps you stand out from the crowd.

Were your grades truly that bad in college, in comparison with other applicants to Johns Hopkins? You don't want to focus on something negative in your essay unless an explanation is absolutely called for.

Lastly, I second FuzzyLogician's advice that you should explain more about how you are a good fit for this school. What is so special about John Hopkins that you want to go to school there? (aside from the prestige) How will doing so specifically help you with your career?

Don't be discouraged. Overall I think it is a great start and you have a good base to work from. It took me about 4 months total to perfect my SOP. It's truly an art form to be able to write an excellent SOP, and just keep going at it until you have it!

[fuzzylogician]

Personally I love the first paragraph. It really drew me in as a reader because it's attention-grabbing and interesting, and I think you should definitely keep it.

My word counter says that the first paragraph is 113 words long, out of a total of 458 words for the entire essay. That's one quarter of the SOP that does not tell the adcom much of anything about who rockyhill as an applicant. If the SOP has a word limit, at the very least it would make sense to cut this down to about half the length (10% or so of the statement). Personally I would cut it out completely but opening paragraphs and concluding paragraphs are very much a matter of taste. Regardless, though, these less contentful paragraphs should comprise a reasonable proportion of the essay, with the majority devoted to interests and fit.