Making friends after a broken heart

[geogeek]

So yeah, I broke up with my girl this summer after dating since high school. To be honest, I think I did it more to play the field than anything else. I told her that we just weren't meant to be, but here it is months later and I am totally a mess. The other students in my department are okay enough, but they have their own lives and interests and it isn't at all like undergrad.

She was the love of my life and here I am sitting in the middle of a big school feeling totally isolated. Getting her back is probably not a good option since she is pretty angry and is probably moving on anyway. My question here is how do I get myself out of this feeling and into the grad school experience?

[Sigaba]

My question here is how do I get myself out of this feeling and into the grad school experience?

geogeek--

Seek and destroy those portions of your heart that hold feelings for your ex. Slash and burn, salt the earth, and then pave it over and build a parking lot. Avoid triggers that will activate memories of her. If you find yourself still thinking about her warm embrace, mock yourself as if you were a heckler during a performance of a legendary insult comic. Delve ever deeper into the stacks of the library. Read, read, and read some more.

(Wait, did that I sound bitter?)

[LandWhale]

Hi geogeek,

We're in the same boat, although for different reasons. I was in a long and happy relationship, moved across the country, and got dumped after only seven weeks of being apart from my (ex)-girlfriend.

I'm quite lonely here, so I know how easy it can be to find yourself obsessing over how things could have gone better, thinking about how much you love her, how much you hate her, etc.

My advice? Hit the books hard. No doubt you've got a lot of work to do in your graduate program. Commit yourself to doing it, and doing it to the best of your ability. It's much more difficult to dwell on the past when you've got a tower of readings to get through.

Hang in there.

Edited November 8, 2011 by LandWhale

[geogeek]

Thanks for the advice. I have immersed myself in my studies, but it's the nagging realization of what I left behind that is haunting me. I don't want to become bitter, because really, it is all of my own making. I'm still thinking that on some level I should try with all my might to get her back.

[dimanche0829]

IME, many people who revisit thoughts about what they may have left behind often do it more out of loneliness than regret. I do agree that you should immerse yourself in your studies, but I also think it's important to have fun. Even if you don't have a core group of friends to go out with, there is a ton of fun to be had in simple activities, like taking a 15-20 minute walk around campus, watching a movie, listening to some good music, taking pictures, etc.

Edited November 9, 2011 by dimanche0829

[ktel]

When I experienced my last break up after a decently long term relationship (given my age at the time), I not only threw myself into my studies, I threw myself into sports, social activities and clubs. It's amazing how much more time you have when you don't have a significant other. I then met my current boyfriend, who I am now in a long term relationship with, through one of the clubs I joined.

Being busy helped a lot, but I still had a really hard time. Two months after the break up I could be seen sobbing in the living room of a Halloween party while my male friends could only say "Boys are jerks" over and over and insisted people couldn't see me crying. In the end it just takes time.

[Genomic Repairman]

Dude, I'm pretty sure Nebraska isn't a sausage fest so you can find some sentient female life forms to go out on dates with. Don't just bury yourself in the books, start going on dates or going to places where you can meet new people. Word to the wise, don't date anyone in your program, it usually ends horribly. Don't even make out, grope, or whateverthehell "hooking up" means this week with them, it didn't go well for me and it probably won't for you.

She's old news man, move on and meet love of your life 2.0, the new and improved version? Life is too damn short to dwell on the ghost of girlfriends past.

[geogeek]

Everything said here is so true, and this may seem strange, but it really clarifies what I need to do. I'm going to man up and lay it all out there for my ex. She was (is?) my best friend, is sweet, funny and we always had a great time together, so what in the hell am I doing sitting here sulking all alone? I broke up with her because I was lazy and pretty scared about making that next level of commitment which after four years we really need to do. I convinced her and myself that she just didn't measure up anymore. What a jerk I am. I totally convinced myself that the grass was greener.

I am going to do what I need to do and take what's coming to me and if she tells me to get lost, then I will follow the advice of all of you. This really helped me figure things out. Thanks.

[applesnotoranges]

Everything said here is so true, and this may seem strange, but it really clarifies what I need to do. I'm going to man up and lay it all out there for my ex. She was (is?) my best friend, is sweet, funny and we always had a great time together, so what in the hell am I doing sitting here sulking all alone? I broke up with her because I was lazy and pretty scared about making that next level of commitment which after four years we really need to do. I convinced her and myself that she just didn't measure up anymore. What a jerk I am. I totally convinced myself that the grass was greener.

I am going to do what I need to do and take what's coming to me and if she tells me to get lost, then I will follow the advice of all of you. This really helped me figure things out. Thanks.

Go for it, Geogeek!! My boyfriend dumped me for pretty much the same reasons you mention, and after nearly a year of bad feelings, he contacted me about a month ago. We were a great pair, and now we both realize it more than ever. We are not where we need to be and are currently in couples counseling to work out any residual stuff that needs to be worked out.

[qbtacoma]

Everything said here is so true, and this may seem strange, but it really clarifies what I need to do. I'm going to man up and lay it all out there for my ex. She was (is?) my best friend, is sweet, funny and we always had a great time together, so what in the hell am I doing sitting here sulking all alone? I broke up with her because I was lazy and pretty scared about making that next level of commitment which after four years we really need to do. I convinced her and myself that she just didn't measure up anymore. What a jerk I am. I totally convinced myself that the grass was greener.

I am going to do what I need to do and take what's coming to me and if she tells me to get lost, then I will follow the advice of all of you. This really helped me figure things out. Thanks.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You were in one of your first relationships (perhaps the first?) and it turned out that you were really compatible. But thinking about living together for the rest of your lives is a big, big step, especially when you haven't dated other people yet. I think it was totally reasonable to wonder if perhaps you are more suited to someone else, or for you to just be curious about being with someone else. And people grow and change; though you have since concluded that you still want to be with her, it was not a bad idea to take a step back and consider if you still match each other enough to stay together.

These are difficult issues, and I wish you the best of luck in figuring it out. If you end up getting back together - great! If not, don't feel that you are a failure or a bad person for ending the relationship. You are not - you are grieving. Though most breakups are portrayed as ugly, rancorous messes, in reality people who still love each other must sometimes part, and it is hard and no one's fault.

[Agradatudent]

Everything said here is so true, and this may seem strange, but it really clarifies what I need to do. I'm going to man up and lay it all out there for my ex. She was (is?) my best friend, is sweet, funny and we always had a great time together, so what in the hell am I doing sitting here sulking all alone? I broke up with her because I was lazy and pretty scared about making that next level of commitment which after four years we really need to do. I convinced her and myself that she just didn't measure up anymore. What a jerk I am. I totally convinced myself that the grass was greener. I am going to do what I need to do and take what's coming to me and if she tells me to get lost, then I will follow the advice of all of you. This really helped me figure things out. Thanks.

That is the total opposite of all the feedback you were given.