Emotions Regarding Acceptance

[dizzid]

Does anyone want to discuss their feelings with me? I say this only slightly facetiously....

I will start.

Overwhelmed can quantify each emotion: I am overwhelmingly excited, proud, nervous, anticipatory etc.

I did a lot of crying when i first found out because I felt like it was the culmination of so much hard work. I was such a horrible student from 8th grade through community college. Getting to this point has taken sheer determination and sacrifice.

I am excited at the prospect of moving to FLORIDA. WHO moves to Florida?!?!

I am scared, what if they confused my file and they don't ACTUALLY want me?

I am anxious to start working through the program.

I am so proud, my head can't be held any higher and all I can think is "don't be a hubristic witch", you STILL have Spanish 102 to complete.

I am determined, I've been given the chance to make a difference and now I will.

Hysterical in that I am prone to little bursts of laughter when I think of how I feel.

This can go on forever. Anyone else?

Edited February 9, 2012 by dizzidawn

[Darth.Vegan]

Hopefully I will be feeling the same way next year.

[hobokennojokin]

To an extent, I feel the same way. Having gotten rejected across the board last year, it seems surreal that only a year later I will have the opportunity to choose from two great programs to pursue a Ph.D. in a discipline I love. That said, it almost seems like the nervous paranoia that surrounded getting into grad school has now subtly been replaced with the paranoia of doing well in grad school. I feel like I've spent every last minute since hearing of acceptances pouring into my reading and trying to be as fully prepared as possible. But still, feels better than absolute uncertainty

[ThisSlumgullionIsSoVapid]

I'll report back as soon as I have some positive emotions to report. In the mean time, my nerves are shot and my back has made more knots than a boy scouts troop. I've also got these twitching nerves in my lip and eye the past two days that I'm assuming came from the stress of mid-terms, not having an acceptance, and preparing (worrying) about my interviews next week. It's not noticeable (thankfully) but it gives me the same sensation of the teeth chattering/shivering even though I'm in 82 degree weather in the middle of February.

[MashaMashaMasha]

Does anyone want to discuss their feelings with me? I say this only slightly facetiously....

I will start.

Overwhelmed can quantify each emotion: I am overwhelmingly excited, proud, nervous, anticipatory etc.

I did a lot of crying when i first found out because I felt like it was the culmination of so much hard work. I was such a horrible student from 8th grade through community college. Getting to this point has taken sheer determination and sacrifice.

I am excited at the prospect of moving to FLORIDA. WHO moves to Florida?!?!

I am scared, what if they confused my file and they don't ACTUALLY want me?

I am anxious to start working through the program.

I am so proud, my head can't be held any higher and all I can think is "don't be a hubristic witch", you STILL have Spanish 102 to complete.

I am determined, I've been given the chance to make a difference and now I will.

Hysterical in that I am prone to little bursts of laughter when I think of how I feel.

This can go on forever. Anyone else?

Oh, I feel ya. I waited until I got my official letter with funding before telling anyone except this forum! I thought for sure that they had made a mistake (that happens, right?!) and that they actually wanted someone else. I have been TOTALLY overwhelmed with joy, relief, nerves, pride, nerves... did I mention nerves? I am definitely in a state of disbelief.

I think it's even more pronounced for me because this is my 2nd cycle, and the first time around I got rejected from every school I applied to. It was so painful, and I was so nervous about this round, and now feel so very vindicated. But also nervous!

So yes, I am riding this wave of emotions too. I have a great therapist though And I'm trying not to obsess over course requirements and instead looking at practical things, you know, like the best bike route to campus from my house! (Kidding. Sort of.)

How are you dealing with this influx of emotions?

[dizzid]

I found out on a layover to Las Vegas for a friend of a friend of a friend's birthday. So I had 72 hours in Vegas to blow off some steam. Seriously, the poor guy sitting next to me had to pat my hand the entire flight as I wept quite a bit...

A friend working on his PhD gave me a book titled "How to Get a PhD" as a gift. I read the first half of the first chapter and pretty much had a panic attack. When I asked why in the world he would give that to me, he said someone gave it to him but he wasn't able to read it because it caused too much anxiety and he thought perhaps I would do better....

I've also set up lunch dates with a couple of people who are working through their PhDs and one professor from the University of Richmond who happens to be in my demographic (black female) to talk it all out.

MAINLY, I keep having varying daydreams. Sometimes I'm on Oprah's couch discussing my latest book, other times I'm with Patricia Hill Collins getting manicures and sometimes I'm planting trees with orphans in Africa.

I really wish I were joking but I'm not.

[sociolog86]

I am excited at the prospect of moving to FLORIDA. WHO moves to Florida?!?!

Being nosy, I'm also accepted to a Phd program in Florida. Which school were you accepted to?

[dizzid]

FSU

[Hege-Money]

MAINLY, I keep having varying daydreams. Sometimes I'm on Oprah's couch discussing my latest book, other times I'm with Patricia Hill Collins getting manicures and sometimes I'm planting trees with orphans in Africa.

I really wish I were joking but I'm not.

I know how that feels.

[lexicana]

I can relate to all the emotions others have already mentioned. This is my second round so besides feeling a HUGE sense of relief, I also feel greatly blessed which then makes me feel a sense of responsibility to make the best of this opportunity.

Mostly though I feel totally silly and giddy. It's like having a crush on somebody for years. Constantly obsessing whether they will ever pay any attention to you and dreaming of the day they might pursue you. Then one day your crush pronounces their love for you. Not only do they love you but they are ready to commit to you. I keep replaying in the my head the words of my POI "when I heard you were accepted it made my day". It feels like my crush is finally paying attention to me and it feels GREAT.

I am not allowing too much anxiety to enter in yet. I am determined to enjoy at least a few days of bliss that my loved one loves me back!

[sciencegirl]

OMG... I'm so glad that others feel so many similar emotions than me. I haven't been able to sleep at all since getting into a dream program this past weekend. I'm now sick since I've been tossing and turning every night, finally falling asleep at 2-3am.. wondering about moving, wondering about my life this fall. Ironically, before finding out anything from any schools, I was in bed by midnight easily so this is so weird that now after getting in, I'm having all this anxiety and nervousness.. I'm also kind of worried too about living up to expectations and hoping that I don't let any one down who believed in my application. A billion things on my mind at the moment...

[RefurbedScientist]

When I got the call from my POI, I was sick in bed, staying home from work with a fever. The call came at 2PM, and I rolled over to see the call was coming from a state where there is nobody that has any reason to call me except if they're calling from this particular school. So I snapped from delirious fever into GO TIME! I quickly gargled some water and did a few practice "Hellos", you know, just in case I forgot how to say Hello. I was worried I would sound like I was raised by wolves. Given that my brain had been in a 102 degree oven for the last 36 hours, it was a pretty awkward conversation. First off, I pretended I actually was at work, I guess to appear industrious, and excused myself while I left "the office" (i.e. climbed out of bed). What followed was an uncomfortable balancing act; I tried to sound grateful but not ingratiating, nonchalant but not indifferent. It was a very affected composure, I'm sure.

Anyway, the shot of energy from my first acceptance led me to sort of overestimate how quickly I was getting over my illness, and I almost passed out in the shower from exhaustion/fever/hunger/disbelief.

I think disbelief has been the main emotion since then. But on top of that, I'm experiencing a lot of polyvalent feelings around moving to a semi-rural place (I'm a city kid), starting a program that is amazing but perhaps a little over my head, complications with my SO and their own future plans, and maybe most frighteningly, committing to a lifelong career and only being in my early 20s. I am very confident I want to be a sociologist, but I'm also not a future planner, by any means. In fact, I'm just the opposite. I much prefer spontaneity, I move around a lot, I like adventures, I don't care for routine, and I have a tendency to move from job to job. So the prospect of doing this, or anything, for 6 years straight is a little scary. I know there is a lot more diversity in our line of work than in most people's (we go to conferences, do fieldwork, meet amazing people, work on projects), but I am nostalgic for the idea of trying out lots of jobs and career paths as a young person. On the other hand, I know that, if I were on the other side, I would envy the grad school version of me.

So yea, ambivalence is the name of the game. Fear, excitement, eagerness, relief.

Oh, and to add to that, anxiety over picking a program!

[ThisSlumgullionIsSoVapid]

@socialgoovements where was your acceptance from again?

[RefurbedScientist]

UNC and UCI, so far. I hesitate to say which program is involved in this anecdote for discretion's sake. (Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get you..... )

[sleepycat]

UNC and UCI, so far. I hesitate to say which program is involved in this anecdote for discretion's sake. (Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get you..... )

I think i know which program.

[MashaMashaMasha]

I'm also kind of worried too about living up to expectations and hoping that I don't let any one down who believed in my application. A billion things on my mind at the moment...

Oh, this! Yes. Hoping I don't let any former or future mentors down...

[Cup of Tea]

For me, the first feeling was complete surprise and shock. I thought all my applications were a long shot. Although I was regarded as an outstanding student, no matter how much (formal) confirmation I got, I always had a feeling I am not competitive in a global environment ("it's easy to be a big fish in a small pond"). Even though I always had academic aspirations, I was pretty sure getting into a stong sociology program at an esteemed university abroad was more or less a dream and that I would end up pursuing a career in academia in my home country. In hindsight, I am not even sure how I pushed myself through the entire application process without ever (consciously) acknowledging this could actually be more than a dream.

I am writing this because it kind of gives me the chance to process everything and maybe find someone in a similar situation: after the initial shock, instead of being excited like most of you, the overwhelming feeling I have is one of inadequacy. I feel like even though I have been accepted, there must have been a mistake. I feel like some kind of a fraud that will not measure up to others. I know this has to do with some of my personal issues (low self esteem, perfectionism, fear of failure,...) and is certainly not productive; after all, besides a great deal of commitment, pursuing PhD also requires a lot of motivation. Rationally, I know I must have been doing something right, but the more I think about what this now really means for my future, the more incompetent I feel.

Is anyone else dealing with anything similar? I hope I did not spoil the mood and ruin the thread (but just typing this out felt kind of therapeutic). In any case, congratulations on everyone's acceptances!

[sciencegirl]

@cupoftea... I completely understand and know what you mean regarding inadequacy. I honestly had a panic attack within the 24 hours of getting in.. and was up until 4am on my school's website looking up all the course requirements, the classes, trying to predict my future schedule.. and freaking out about "what if I fail?!!" Also, I don't think its low self-esteem etc, or anything unique to you, @cupoftea, as none of my friends would describe me as that.. but I think everyone goes through these weird swings of doubt. My guess (and what my friends in grad programs have told me) is that these feelings continue in the program...

I'm glad that this forum was set up to talk about this - I definitely feel terrible for people who haven't gotten into programs yet, so its hard to feel like I can talk about my anxiety about getting in. Well, I guess this is a good problem to have right? Congrats everyone!!!

[Cup of Tea]

Sciencegirl, thanks. And I can definitely identify with the whole looking up course requirements and such... I think I've already gone through every single syllabus available wondering how I will be able to balance and handle everything. But I also know I have to remind myself that I do this before the start of every academic year - I spend tons of time just worrying and then somehow everything falls into place. I understand a certain degree of self-doubt is normal, but I am afraid it will start to act as some sort of constraint and will ultimately have negative consequences on what I actually do..

I think in a way I am also mentally preparing for rejections (especially on the Cornell/Brown/.. front) and maybe trying to rationalise them already. Or maybe I am just over-analysing and procrastinating instead of working on that thesis I need to complete in order to even be able to accept those offers Oh well. Thank you for hearing me out.

[sciencegirl]

@cupoftea... are those your first choices (Cornell/Brown?).. If you are still waiting on schools that you might go into.. at this point, I'd relax and just be happy you got in somewhere you'd be happy at. I keep telling myself that advice.. and of course taking your own advice is sometimes the hardest!

[RefurbedScientist]

I think many of us are suffering from a case of impostor syndrome

Don't worry. It's natural.

[Cup of Tea]

Sciencegirl, POI-wise, Cornell and Brown are vey high up on my list, yes (I only applied to places I would be happy to go to anyway.). The reality is, though, I will have to decide based on funding offers.

SocialGroovements - exactly what I needed

[chibuku]

Thanks for the link Social Groovements, that's amazing. Especially that imposter syndrome 'is commonly associated with academics and is widely found among graduate students' . I definitely had to check my acceptance email several times to makes sure that I was actually admitted and that they hadn't gotten my file mixed up with another

I'm so happy and relieved to get an acceptance after my first two rejections, and now it makes me think theres a chance I might be able to choose between programs and funding packages!

Edited February 11, 2012 by chibuku

[ThisSlumgullionIsSoVapid]

I can finally post in here. It's a really good feeling.

[Darth.Vegan]

I can finally post in here. It's a really good feeling.

ND? Wherever it is, congrats!